Where did the good go?

Things have shifted. No longer are people asking me if I'm engaged or married. No, and, compared to what I'm getting now, I wish they were. Now things have changed and my friends and colleagues have begun trying to convince me to get a lover on the side. I am completely appalled. Honestly, what the hell? I don't condone cheating, and I value monogamy, not to mention trust! When I tell these people that I can't do that, they ask why and I tell them that Brad trusts me and would leave me if I were sleeping with someone else. They seem to think that either 1. he doesn't need to know, or 2. I would be justified in seeking sexual gratification elsewhere because "a girl's got needs".
I honestly don't even know what to do with these statements.
First of all, saying "he doesn't need to know" is possibly the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Of course he has to know. I trust him and he trusts me and if I were to go sleeping around on him I would feel awful. I mean, really truly awful inside, because I would know I had betrayed his trust and furthermore that our relationship would be a lie. If a person withholds information from their partner that they know would make their partner leave them, then the relationship is a fraud.
Second, saying "he doesn't need to know" is not actually the stupidest thing I've ever heard because the "a girl has needs" takes that prize. If we have regressed as a species to the point where hedenistic behaviour constantly wins out over monogamy and morals, then...well...I don't know what to say. I'm ashamed to call myself a human being.
So....the irony of the situation is the only way to get people off my back and get them to stop telling me to cheat (which besides, in NONE of their business), is to lie and tell them we're close to becoming engaged and I don't want to risk the bling. Apparently the prospect of a diamond is the only thing that people consider as a reason to refrain from indulging in extrenuous sexual acts.
What have we come to?

Ode to the Barbie Doll

Health Canada has now begun to allow silicone breast implants once again. Great. What ever happened to the "beauty comes from the inside" addage? Why does beauty centre around the size and shape of your breasts? I've talked to countless men about the implants vs natural contest, and there are some (albeit not many) who say implants are disgusting. There are others who says they prefer unnaturally large chests. And then there are the ones who won't say either way, which means they like them but don't want to come right out and admit they think women should look like pornstars. It's disturbing to me. I don't understand how plastic surgery can be regarded so nonchalantly. I understand the desire in cirumstances where there is a birth defect, or perhaps some sort of disfigurement from an accident or something of the like, but, why do otherwise normal women feel the need to have their physical appearance changed? And why is it decidedly acceptable? I don't know about you, but I would feel very creeped out if I knew there was a lump of hard plastic under my skin just because society told me my tits weren't good enough.

for the women I've known, who are all stronger than they know

I often wonder why women continually go for the same type of man.
Why women will constantly put themselves on the line for a man who treats them, if not like dirt, then not nearly as good as they deserve to be treated. It's often the women who dream of the fairytale, the knight in shining armor, that seem to get wrapped up with a guy about as far from that ideal as is possible. I see it again and again, and they tell me about the guy, and how they don't really know why they're attracted (addicted?) to him. I've seen it, and I've been there.
It's so easy to get wrapped up in...because they always give you just enough hope that they may change that you don't want to give up on them or the relationship. "He's trying". God if I had a nickel for the every time I've heard (and said) that one... The bottom line is this: Men don't change unless they WANT to...and no woman can make a man want to change. The only way a man will change is if he believes it is in his best interest. At least until the relationship is seriously committed, then I can't really say because I haven't been in a seriously committed and (this is key) functioning relationship before this one.
It's so easy to see how messed up a relationship is from the outside...but when you're involved...well, it's hard to see the forest for all the trees. I've had friends who have been in relationships with absolute dicks for several years on again off again and they're miserable for so much of the time, and it seems like such a waste to me. I give them support and tell them they deserve better, and they always do the same thing: nod sadly and say "I know..." trailing off at the end, which means the same thing: "I know, but....". There are any number of options for what "but" can mean...unfortunately, the "but" means they aren't ready make the change. I've learned the best thing to do is to be there to listen and encourage and just support unconditionally until they feel they're done with whatever it is.
I've had friends ask me before if I get sick of hearing about so-and-so with their messed up relationship. I really don't. I know how important it is to have someone you can confide in and who will support you and be there to lean on without getting irritated. I just keep hoping that one day these women will understand their worth, and will realize the only way the guy will understand it is to tell him to fuck off until he can be a man, and, most importantly, be able to stick to that statement knowing they deserve a loving, caring, (relatively) stress-free relationship.

"I don't know why she swallowed the fly..."

I was attempting to record the 11 oclock casts for the network and kept stumbling over my words and tripping over my tongue. So I hastily grabbed my waterbottle and took a swig. Feeling something solid in my mouth, I managed to swallow the water around it and spit out whatever was in my mouth. To my utter horror, it was a fly. I got up and calmly went to the bathroom where I swished around some toothpaste in my mouth and spat repeatedly. I know this probably won't do any good, but it felt better to know I had at least tried to clean my mouth without attempting to gargle bleach (NOT a good idea, would probably kill a person, but it was a tempting thought).
Subsequent research online did not turn up any evidence that people have died or even becoming exceedingly ill from swallowing, or nearly swallowing a fly...though I am still a little nervous.

Prince George: time warp

I went to see Krome at the Rum Jungle last night. Seems to me that Tuesday night is a really bad night to plan a concert for. It was very dead there, and I didn't stay for the whole show because, well, they didn't even go on until after midnight, closer to 1 oclock, and I was getting tired, or rather, I knew if I stayed I would be exhausted today. (which I am anyway).
On a different note, I must pay tribute to one guy at the show. He had stick straight shiny brown hair halfway down his back, wearing tapered leg jeans, and he was headbanging in earnest. He was whipping his hair around and around and around, frankly making me very dizzy just watching him. I can't imagine what that does to a person's neck or spine...but, medical disturbances aside, it just doesn't look, well, fun. He looked like he was constantly trying to keep his balance. I didn't think people still did that...but apparently they do in Prince George.

Well, that will teach me...

When I sent off my email to the Swift Current Chamber, I used an alternate email address. I figured my usual email doesn't exactly scream professional, so I used a generic "jwilliams...." blah blah, boring one. Unfortunately, I hadn't used it in a very long time, and can't remember why I set it up. Aparently I was looking for some sort of anonimity with it, and so rather than have my name as "Jessica Williams" I discovered this afternoon that it shows up as "The Jess". What I was thinking when I set that up, I have no idea. I'm such an idiot though. I don't think I would be eager to employ someone who refers to themselves as "the" anything. Such a turd.

On a completely unrelated note:

Oh well

Well, no surprise, but the job at the chamber was filled. Obviously the person they hired isn't doing a wonderful job because (from what I understood) upkeep on the website was part of the job description...and it hasn't been updated since July. Like I said, no surprise.
I had tried not to get my hopes up, but the more I thought about it, the more I was interested and hopeful. Silly Jessica. Oh well. guess it's back to the drawing board. And thanks so much to everyone who expressed their support. I really appreciate it.
Work is...well...pooey. The place is stripped to the barebones minimum and I'm pretty sure everyone is feeling the crunch. Constant technical problems are making things very difficult to deal with (and the tech issues are because the company is too cheap to pay what they should pay for appropriate software...or at least, that's my understanding). It's just one thing after another and it all comes down to a cheap cheap cheap penny-pinching company.
Sigh. The good news is I plan to go to the gym tonight with Heather and hopefully that will lift the spirits a wee bit. I also got A Breath of Snow and Ashes back from Carol and so now I can continue reading the saga (again and again and again).

Thoughts before bed...

Before I go to bed (as I should have done several hours ago), I want to put this thought out that has been plaguing me all day: I have become a bitch. A raving, angry, short-fused, bitch. I don't especially like it, but I feel like I don't have the time or energy to deal with other people's stupidity.
An example:
Al invites me to his place for a pay per view hockey game. When I say "invite" I mean, he tells me about it and demands "are you coming?" I tell him I can't. He (mockingly) says "why? got another phone date?" Last time I didn't go to a game was because I said I had a phone date with Brad (we make plans to talk to each other with the thought in mind we will be on the phone for a very long time and not to make other plans that night). I tell him no, it's actually because I have to go to the City Council meeting tonight. Fast-forward to 5:30. I'm just about to go home, and walk past the Wolf control room when I hear Al yell "JESS ISN'T COMING" in an accusing tone. I stop in my tracks, turn and walk back to the control room. He's in there talking to Wil and I say, with a perfectly straight face and a 'you don't want to mess with me right now' tone in my voice "First of all, don't start pulling a Whitey. Do you know what that is? It's where Whitey invites you to something and then guilt trips you when you say you can't go because you have other plans. Second, I have a council meeting tonight. I am going because I am taking Wil's shift. I am working tonight. And third...now this may completely change you opinion of me, but *whispered* I don't really like hockey all that much." He stares at me as though I've just confessed to feeding dead kittens to snakes. Then he yells out to Docc, and when Docc arrives he points at me and says "Docc! Jess just said she doesn't like hockey all that much!!!!" and Docc looks at Al, looks at me, and says "I know".
Basically, I was way more stern than I should have been given the circumstances and the fact I'm pretty sure Al was just trying to tease me....but I really don't care. I've had enough of people harassing me, even if it is supposed to be a joke. I'm tired of this.
I think a large part of it was the way he was mocking me for having phone dates at the start.
I'm sick of people either mocking my relationship or trying to get me to cheat on Brad. This is getting ridiculous. No one seems to appreciate the Monogamous relationship anymore, which may be the saddest thing I've ever heard.
On a totally unrelated note: It's been friggin forever since I last wrote up a normal resume...as in not a radio resume (which are different). I've just spent the last 2 hours revamping mine. I think it's good...or, well, as good as it's going to get at 2am. Hopefully the lady from the Swift Chamber will write to me tomorrow and I'll actually be able to send it off to her.

A step in the (insert word here) direction

Well, I took the step and applied for a job in Swift...who knows if it's even still open...I'm not getting my hopes up, but you never know, it might be...wish me luck, I guess?

the blah of work

I was going to work an extremely long day today and go into work at 9 (as per normal) and then work the city council meeting after that...making it a 12 hour day or so. But this morning, when my alarm clock went off, I decided that the 4 hours of overtime really weren't worth it. 4 hours isn't really going to get my anywhere, especially because EC is done on Friday and I have a sneaking suspicion our overtime is also done when she leaves. Instead, I'll go in an hour before I'm supposed to, just so I can go in at 10 tomorrow morning rather than 9. A good plan I think. When I called this morning to ask Bill to remind EC I would be working Wil's shift, well, let's just say I was pretty much still asleep. Poor Bill, having to deal with my nonsensical-sleepiness.

Sound Advice

So, maybe I'm still a little pissed off...

I have literally vented and ranted and raved about my shitty weekend to almost everyone I know at this point. And I've decided something: I'm not going to say anything about it to the people who pissed me off the most. If they mention the night, I will say "I'm glad you enjoyed yourself. It was a terrible night for me." and if they ask why (because social graces state they must) I will tell them it's really none of their business. Because, really, the mistake was mine for taking it upon myself to look after what's-her-name, and for thinking other people were capable of being anything but drunk and useless (Curtis and Kelly not included, quite obviously). I take the blame for this upon myself, and I've learned my lesson. Now, since I don't think I can stop myself from feeling obligated to babysit when people around me are incapacitated, I will simply not go out anymore. Done. I will not waste valuable money like that anymore.

Gym + Cheesecake = Happy Jessica

Heather and I finally took advantage of our free Y passes tonight, and it was great! I've never actually enjoyed going to the gym, but it was a lot of fun. I think because Heather and I just talked and did a bunch of cardio. Pretty softcore, but the important thing is really that we're doing something, and besides, it would be a really bad idea to start off by being really hardcore. Afterwards, we enjoyed the steamroom. Yay steamrooms! And Yay getting in shape! I'm gonna be a hot mama sooner than I'll know how to deal with! Hahaha, ok, that is, as long as we actually keep up on it. I fully intend to.
Besides, now I don't feel so bad about that massive ammount of cheesecake I ate today. One cancels the other out.

probably one of the worst nights I've had

It all started off fine and dandy. We went to the Rodeo at CN Centre. Docc, Colin, Whitey, Simone and some girl...we'll call her T for the sake of anonymity. Carol and Gerald showed up with Carol's sister, Barb and her husband, Don. There was some drinking and I had a nice buzz going. After the rodeo, we went to the dance at the Roll'O Dome where more drinking ensued. Docc was very drunk after not a lot of time and we enjoyed the live music of Ken McCoy. Many others showed up to the dance, including Gail, and Pope and Kelly. Well, Docc and T started dancing very close and making out and all that lovely stuff that I don't care if it happens, but I also don't care to watch. Anyway, I'm at one of the tables talking to Pope, when all of a sudden, T falls over one of the chairs. Some guy helps her up and sits her down on the chair next to me. She is so unbelievably durnk that she can't even keep her head up. I send Docc (also completely shitfaced) to get some water for her. She says to me that she needs to use the bathroom, so I support her while we wait in line for the bathroom. She can hardly stand up at this point. She goes into the stall and sits down and all of a sudden we can see her head hanging down by her feet and she's completely passed out. I tell the other ladies in the bathroom that I'm not abandoning her, I'm going to get water. I go back to the dancefloor and see Docc who gets excited when he sees me. I yell at him asking if he got the water and he grabs my arm to get me to go dance with him. I yell at him again and he keeps pulling me to the dance floor, so I smacked him on the arm and asked him once more if he got water. He keeps trying to pull me, so I swore at him and went back to the bathroom. The women in the washroom are telling me that this chick is totally passed out and I need to get her out of here and take care of her. At this point, I've had it. I look at them and tell them that I don't even know her. I just met her tonight and don't know her at all. I'm doing my best. So we're trying to get her out of the bathroom, and she stands up and opens the stall door and starts to leave, with her pants down around her ankle. I tell her she needs to pull her pants up before she leaves and it takes her a few tries, but she does get them on. I get her out of the bathroom and sit her down on the stairs. Docc comes up to me grinning like the fuckwit he is (note: I like Docc, but he is NOT my favorite person right now). I tell him she's fucked and needs water, so he hands me a mittfull of change. I get up and have to grab his face for him to make eye contact with me while I tell him to wait right here and make sure she doesn't go anywhere (not that I thought it likely). I got some water and got her to start sipping it. Then I went off in search of people who might be able to donate a little money towards paying for a cab home for her. When I came back to the stairs, (after finding NO ONE), Docc and T are making out again...kind of. It was pretty gross. Anyway, Docc says that he's leaving and he doesn't have his keys. I went off and got her purse and his coat, and they stumbled off. He tried to give me a hug before leaving, but by that point I was fed up.
So. Moving on. I went back to the dance (buzz effectively killed), and Pope was playing drums with Ken McCoy. Pretty cool, so I took a bunch of pictures and when he was done, we went and sat down. I hadn't seen Carol in a while and so I asked Pope if she had left or something and he and Kelly both said yeah, they had, and then they asked why I was swearing. I told them: My coat is in her truck, along with my keys in the pocket. Fuck. At this point, Whitey, who is very drunk, asks why I need my keys "I thought you were just going to sleep over at my place?" in his little Whitey way...and I flipped and told him to fuck off, this isn't the time. He tried to make light and so I kept swearing at him. He tried to rub my shoulders while he was saying it was a joke, but I shrugged him away and swore at him again. So, thank god for Pope who ended up driving me to Carol's house, slightly out of town, and when we find her truck isn't there, we went back into town to the Cadillac, where she also was not present. And finally, I called my cell phone again and again and again until someone answered. It was Carol's sister Barb, who decided to tell me that they had gone to Jasper. Didn't make any sense to me because it wasn';t actually possible for them to drive that far in that ammount of time, but they wanted to play with me. And believe me, I was in no mood for playing. Finally, they met Pope, Kelly and me at the station and gave me my coat, keys and cell phone. Then Pope drove me home.
The whole reason I missed Carol leaving is because I was babysitting T.
Fuck. I'm tired and I've had enough. This is why I don't go out.

up in the air: a dilema

I don't really know what to do at this point. I'm getting fed up with where I am right now, and, knowing the way I work, that means an irrational decision is just around the bend. Speaking rationally, though, this much I know:

*work is getting me down in the catagories of: 1. pay (lack there of, and zero probability of a substantial raise), 2. co-workers (many are just starting to get on my nerves, which I realise is probably just a by-product of general displeasure), 3. absolutely no organization, 4. lack of guidance, and 5. pay (see above)
*I want to be with Brad and "settle down" (dirty words, I know, but I want to get some sort of stability in my life, get a homebase if nothing else)
*I want to be able to start to save some money and enjoy life rather than buy discount q-tips and shampoo just to make it to the next paycheck.

Ok. Now that I know what I want...well, that's about all I've got. I don't know what to do from here.
The thought of living in Swift Current is appealing to me; Brad already has friends there and family, etc, and I really like the town itself. The downside? Well, if I stay in radio, I'd be working for Golden West again...and the thought makes me shudder. I try to tell myself the experience I had in Rosetown was simply because of that station, and it isn't a company wide thing, but then again, I don't know. I've become fairly snobbish here, and I don't really want to work for a shitty station, and from what I've heard from the Eagle, their product isn't very good, and sometimes it's just downright bad. Besides, all of this is riding on the assumption they would hire me...and who knows if there's even a position available? Plus, I have the "not from Saskatchewan" thing going against me, and from the sounds of it, they seem to hold onto the policy of "only saskatchewanians" like Rosetown did. Definately a point against me (and against them for that matter...what kind of company sacrifices quality for location?)

So, beyond Swift, I could go to Medicine Hat. The thought is appealing and scarey all at once. I don't really feel like I would be getting ahead by going there. The cost of living is the same or more than it is here, and while alberta is booming, I've been told the station there doesn't pay well at all. Daunting. Brad is also nervous about it.

Basically, I'm choosing between life and career again. In Swift we could set up a homebase, so to speak, and Brad was talking about the possibility of buying a house there. The cost of living is much lower (we're talking one bedroom apartments for under $400!). I like it there and I have friends there...actual friends that I miss! It definately has it's appeal. And I guess there's always the possibility of getting into communications somehow or other. That's something I would like to do. I don't know. Everything is just so stinkin up in the air and confusing. I don't know what to do.

Suggestions are welcome...but please not the "follow your heart" variety. I want cold, hard, harsh criticisms.

Pay Day Blues

I got paid today. Normally it's a fun happy day for at least a couple of hours until I've paid off my bills, etc and realize I no longer have any money, but when I checked my balance and found it was 50 dollars less than normal, well, let's just say it wasn't a happy fun day. I checked my pay stubs and found I am now paying an additional 50 dollars a month in deductions; life insurance, and long and short term disability. I am on a strick budget to begin with, and was just barely getting by...and now...well...fuck. I know, 50 bucks doesn't sound like a whole lot, but when you make as little as I do, it's detrimental. I don't know what I'm going to do, other than get a second job....and there goes my small semblance of a social life. I'm super depressed.

STAY HOME!!!

This is a personal beef of mine. If you are sick, STAY HOME. DO NOT go to work. I don't care that you feel like you're letting your company down, I don't care if you think you're leaving the office understaffed. STAY HOME. Can I emphasize this once more? STAY HOME with your gross snot and hacking cough. Chances are, if you're sick, you won't be of much use anyway, and you're just going to make yourself sicker, or at the least, slow down the healing process. . And, this is the most important part, you will get ME sick. I don't want your germs. STAY HOME.

Jess Hearts Brad

We had one of those conversations on the phone tonight that really just confirms everything for me: we're on the same wavelength, and we both want the same things. I love him so much, and he makes me so happy. It just makes me feel so much closer to him. It amazes me the way there aren't any games between us...we say what we mean and keep the guesswork out of it. There are no misapprehensions that way. I respect him and trust him, and I love him.

I Like Booze!

What's a trip home without a night spent at the local bar getting trashed? Not a trip home if you ask me! Well, that's a flat out lie actually, I love going home, drunken nights notwithstanding...but this time I did go out, and drink, I did. It was not intended (then again, it rarely is for me). Denise, Christine and I went to the Lodge for drinks (drinks for them as I was driving and therefore could not partake). Denise called her friend Randy who came as well and when we finished at the Lodge (where they had begun doing karaoke...*shudder*) and piled into my car to go to the Twin. Once there, I put the club on my car (much to the amusement of Denise and Christine, since, let's face it, car theft is not a big problem in Smithers) and prepared myself to leave it behind for the night. I said hi to everyone I used to work with. I love seeing Stacy, Tony and Mike. Jason was there who I haven't seen since I worked there...he had gone away for a while I think maybe...and, of course, Dominic (who came later). Then I started drinking the Vodka. And I drank a lot of it. About 6 drinks in an hour and a half...if that gives you an idea of my state. We hung out afterward the bar closed and everyone had cleared out. Hung around just like old times. God I miss that place. When I was working there and at Omineca, hell, I don't think I'll ever enjoy working anywhere as much as I did there. Not really sure why I quit, to be honest! ha! Oh well. I loved it. And I had a great time on Saturday night. Tony drove us home afterwards (bless his heart) and I stumbled into bed. I remember laying there and thinking "I don't feel to bad, I don't think i'll have a hangover tomorrow." Right. ha! I slept until noon because when I woke up at 9:30 I had the spins. Yeah. Well done Jessica. Killed a lot of brain cells that night, but whooo! it was fun!