Change on the wind

As predicted, things are changing. And I'm not ready. But that's a silly statement, I don't think being ready for change ever happens. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself, and unfortunately, the only thing I can do is wait. I'll find out about a possible job this week (the wait is driving me mad), and then I have to base the rest of my decisions on that. Will I keep the apartment? Will I find a roomate? Will I have to move somewhere else? Will I leave Prince George? And if I do, where will I go? How long will it take?
What NEXT?
i'm not ready.

sky

Looking at the sky tonight made me wish I could paint. The horizon a deep aquamarine blending into the navy and then black of the night.

a change

Being back in smithers is nice. It's relaxing, and just a little boring, which is a nice change for a while from the go go go of life everywhere else. I like not having to do anything in particular for a few days. I had an eye appointment this morning and turns out I do sort of need glasses. The Dr prescribed an "optional" prescription, which basically means I can wear glasses when I need to, for night driving or watching movies, that sort of thing. I decided to go ahead and fill the prescription, so I will be getting glasses. Guess I've done pretty well for myself, gone almost 24 years without needing any, which is something considering my mum's side of the family almost all wear glasses, and even my dad has had to get some in the past couple of years. It's funny, I always wanted them when I was younger cause they seemed like such a neat accessory, and now I actually need them. Hopefully I'll like wearing them and it won't become a frustration.
So far during the visit (which has only been just over 24 hours), I haven't seen anyone I want to avoid yet; no Shawn, no Chris, no other awkwark moments...just peace...though there is always the concern that I will run into someone by accident and it will be uncomfortable, but alas, I think that's just something that needs to be dealt with.

settling things

I spent the day being mad at Brad. It's exhausting being miffed. And I'm tired to boot, and this morning at work was exhausting too. But I answered when he called. Even though I was miffed and wasn't really sure what I was going to say; I'm not very good at expressing my emotions when I'm upset...I was trained a few years ago that saying what you're upset about results in a bad conversations that usually included being told I'm wrong to feel that way, and even though I've unlearned that particular habit, it still doesn't come easily sometimes and I like to know what I'm going to say and be able to explain myself before getting into something. Besides the fact that having my own thoughts sorted out before hand makes things easier and clearer, there is really nothing more frustrating that having to try to dig out what you're upset about mid argument (because it always does become an argument when one person says "what's wrong" and gets the "I don't know" response). But we talked and I told him why I was upset and we worked it out. There were several reasons, including that I start to worry that he's dead in a ditch somewhere when I don't hear from him by midnight, and that while I wasn't worried last night, I have worried in the past and told him so I was upset that he didn't call, he should have known that I should have been worried last night and called to make sure I wouldn't. Ok, so some of the reasons behind the upset are silly, but they are still reasons. The bottom line is he knows I was upset, and he appologized, and said in the future he'd try to make sure he calls. And I guess that's all I can really ask for; that he make the effort. I especially don't want to be one of those girlfriends who nags and keeps tabs, but I think it's a little different when I'm expecting a call and don't get it and am worried and would just like to know that he's ok. I see it as respectful, and to not call is disrespectful. So I hope he understands it's not just that I worry, but that it feels like a slight to me when he doesn't call. The alternative, of course, is that I distance myself to the point where it doesn't matter to me if he calls or not...a thought that does not appeal to me at all. But like I said, we talked, he gets it, I feel better, and he likes that I worry.

a cranky morning.

I'm cranky today. It's just one of those days I think. I'm chilly at work, and tired and I really don't want to be here right now. There's nothing going on, no news today, and I just don't want to work.
Went to a BBQ last night and Mare and I were starved when we got there...three hours later we had dinner. It was fine, but we were tired to begin with and it got chilly.
I went home and Mare and I talked for a while, then she went to bed, and I stayed up later than I should have, organizing my pictures on my computer and waiting for Brad to call. He didn't. I went to bed at midnight and finally sent him four text messages before getting a response from him. Something about going to watch some band play. Apparently he sent me another text at 2:30 when he got home (translates to 3:30 sask time), saying he was safe at home and sorry he didn't call. Maybe I'm just kind of cranky to begin with (ok, so no maybe, I am. period), but I'm a little pissed off. It's the first time we haven't talked for a day since we left school. I want to know what was so important. Even when I'm busy, I take the five minutes to call him and say hello.
Then this morning I came in and one of the newsies at a network station had posted the remaining versions of stories that I ran yesterday. Yesterday, there was only one version of three stories, so I ran those...and now I get the rest of them? It just bugs me.
But I guess I should go get my news ready to go...irritating.

I was sitting, waiting, wishing...

I've been contemplating a lot today. Things are changing again and I'm in the position where all I can really do is wait. You'd think after this long I'd be used to waiting to see what happens, but no matter what it always seems to irk me a little bit...I'm not good with feeling like I don't have control over a situation. So I'm sitting, stewing over what to do...waiting on basically every scale possible..from the day to day stuff to the grandeous "where is my life headed" stuff.

The situation:
-applied for a job...not sure if I'm going to get it...waiting
-like my job now, but I don't think I want to stay with news...so I'll have to apply elsewhere...waiting
-not sure if the living arrangements I'm in right now will continue...waiting
-haven't got a clue where I could go...waiting
-brad and I live in different province's indefinately...waiting
-brad is coming to visit in July...waiting
-my car needs a new waterpump but can't get that done until monday at the latest...waiting
-going to Smithers on Wednesday...waiting.
-bored right now and want it to be tomorrow...waiting

I know, most of that is silly stuff that's not a big deal at all, but it's one of those times where I feel overwhelmed by the big things, so the small things stand out because they will be taken care of sooner and easier. Afterall, if I kill enough time, it will be tomorrow, and then the next day and the next and before I know it, it will be monday and I'll be able to do something about my car, and it will be wednesday and I'll be going to Smithers.
It's the longer waits that drive me nuts. But I guess that's about all I can do right now.
that and try not to think about it.

what can I say?

And I'm back in PG after six hours of travelling (only three of which were actually spent in the air).
It was great to see Mare (roomate of justice!) again, and we recapped our respective weeks over dinner at BP.
I miss Brad though. A lot. I was right, it is harder this time...seems to get harder everytime.

cell phones can tell you if you're old

I feel old all of a sudden. No, not because my 24th birthday is approaching, it's because of a story on Canada AM.
The story was about a cell phone ring tone that adults can't hear. The frequency is too high for adults, but youth can hear it. The idea is as we grow older we lose the ability to hear certain frequencies.
They played a clip of the ring tone...and hope as I might, I couldn't hear it.
The ring tone has two purposes: 1. to be able to play jokes in teachers in school...where the phone is ringing and the whole class can hear it but the teacher doesn't realize anything is happening...not a very funny prank but I guess it's entertaining for the class...and 2. to allow them to txt each other in class where it's not allowed...though I don't know why they don't just turn the cell to silent mode?
But the bottom line is I can't hear it.
It's official, I'm old.

I am cursed

I have come to the conclusion that I am cursed when it comes to cars. Cursed. Completely cursed. Allow me to explain

example 1: last summer driving brad's car around Rosetown - turn a corner and the tire blows up. literally. I thought something in the car had exploded.

example 2: a month ago in Prince George - turning a corner downtown and a loud clunking/grating/shuddering noise starts suddenly. I think I've run over something or am dragging my exhaust. Nope...it's the transmission. $1900 later...

example 3: a week ago in Prince George - I finally get my car back to find it makes a squeeling/chirping noise. Take it to the mechanic and find out the pully for the fan belt is bent. it wasn't before I had the transmission changed...therefore...well, it's gotta be fixed anyway.

example 4: yesterday driving to the station in Rosetown - trying to slow down to stop behind an SUV that has spontaneously stopped in the middle of the road (hey, it's Rosetown...that's acceptable). Suddenly I have the break pedal on the floor and I'm still moving. Swerve to the left and skid to a stop. Sure enough, it's the break line on the front right side.

Thus bringing me to my conclusion...I am cursed. Cars = hate me.

a rant explained.

had an interesting conversation with a friend who had read my wedding/marriage blog entry. She asked me why marriage was so important to me. It made me really think and contemplate the reasons;
Beyond the fantasies spawned by white-barbie-weddings that seemed to dominate my childhood, and playing house constantly, I think a lot of the desire comes from wanting someone to say to me they want to spend the rest of their life with me and to declare it legally infront of everyone that means something to us. the sense of stability is a factor too...knowing, no matter what, that person will be with me and will support me, and vice versa. As long as the "dating" stage continues there is always the possibility the other person could bail. So, admittedly there is an element of insecurity.
it's very tricky these days when marriage is taken so lightly and so easily dismissed. I by no means want to rush into anything because clearly that will just end in disaster...but I think if both people enter into marriage as a commitment for life, and take it seriously then there is every hope of survival.
I guess the bottom line is I want to get married because I want to commit to sharing my life with one person and only one person and I want to have that feeling as well.
Obsessive? maybe...but again, seeing as we're still in the midst of the months between may and october...all you engaged people can just bugger off with your diamond sparklies. (yeah, I know, for someone who doesn't want to hear about it, I sure do focus on it a lot! hahaha, ah well, guess I'm a hypocrit of the highest order!)
Cheers!

trip down memory lane

I stopped by the station in Rosetown today to say hello to the crew. Rox gave me a big hug and begged me to stay, Norma gave me a big hug too and we chatted for a while. I met the newest Irritating New Guy, and had some awkward small talk with the original Irritating New Guy. He asked me how Big Dog was doing as PD and I said he was doing really well, which is true. I didn't mention that Brad doesn't remember him at all, even though I really wanted to. I really don't know if Darrin ever actually knew Brad or if he's just making things up like he has before. Didn't want to get into it to be honest.
Rox and I are going to go to K-rock tomorrow to see Barkley, have some McD's and do a little shopping perhaps. It's going to be a good time. I was going to go today, but when I started driving Brad's car the breaks weren't all that good and I don't think I really trust my driving abilities to be able to handle a car with slow breaks. So Rox will drive tomorrow and we'll meet Barkley and Jamie for lunch. I'm looking forward to it. Rox and I always have a laugh together.
I asked her to let me do a newscast this morning, she laughed and said that Tia would flip out, which is probably true.
So I guess today I'll do a little laundry, make dinner, maybe vaccuum and get my stuff a little more organized so I won't have to worry about it on wednesday and Brad and I can just enjoy our night together.
It's going to be very difficult to leave again. Not looking forward to that at all. I know it will only be about a month until I see him again, but it's still going to be awful to have to leave. I hate goodbye/see-you-soons. Especially when the person I'm saying goodbye to is so important to me. But we're making it so far...and I know we'll keep on doing what we;re doing and survive it. I just miss him so much when I'm gone.

Ramblings from the land where the deer and the antelope play

I've been in Saskatchewan for five days and some. We've talked about everything and Brad has been so supportive. I know where he stands and I know he's behind me. It's a wonderful feeling to know someone has your back. To feel like he'll be there to catch me if things to go pot. There are only two more days left...then it's back to Prince George. A place that seems so foreign right now. I know I'll fall back into routine when I get there, but it seems so distant right now. Life here is slower; longer days spent trying to find something to do. It's familiar. It seems like I never left, like I haven't been living back in BC for four months. Only four months. Seems like years sometimes. I guess in a way it has been years; so close to home, to everything I grew up with. But it's a weird sense of home for me.
I feel transient again, stuck in a limbo of sorts waiting for something to pan out one way or another. I've never really had to work for an opportunity before. When I graduated I got a job, which led to another and another. I spent time at Interior until I was sick of it, and another job fell into my lap. Then I decided to apply to BCIT on a whim really, and made it without a lot of trouble. I graduated and was offered a job, which I turned down and moved. Getting my job at 1330 was the first time I've ever had to really try for something, which seems stupid really. Then the job in PG fell into my lap once again.
But now what? I've applied for the on-air job at the X, but if that doesn't happen, what then? Do I actively try to find on-air somewhere else? Do I stick with news? Do I move into something else? Where do I go? It's like I'm faced with a hundred doors and windows and can't figure out which one will be best to go through...and if I take one, then the other 99 will close and I'll have to go with my choice, no matter what.
On a side note, wedding season progresses with avid and unshakable determination. It's spread to all movies I watch. Last night we rented "date movie" as stupid-don't-have-to-think entertainment. Sure enough, though stupid and anti-thought-provoking, the theme was centred around a wedding. Then, tonight, Nanny McPhee (which was wonderful, by the way), and it ends with a terribly romantic wedding. It's unescapable, unavoidable. The moral of the story? Don't talk to me about weddings/engagements/marriages between May and October. After October I may give you a non-exasperated comment...before that, you can fully expect a very fake "ohhhh, isn't that lovely".

Gushy Gushy, here we go!

I'm off to Saskatchewan tomorrow to see my sweetheart! The countdown is on...17 more hours until I get into Saskatoon and give Brad a big hug! I can't wait to see him, it's been a month and a half and it's been hard, but good. Things are going really well. So, countdown official...can't wait! Love!

Oh George...

George W Bush is in the oval office with his staff when Rumsfeld steps in. "I'm afraid it's bad news sir" he says to the president. " Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today" Rumsfeld states.
George's face goes white. "Oh no " he says. " Oh God no". In total shock and disbelief he falls back into his chair. " No No No" says George with his voice torn with grief. He puts his face in into his hands and mumbles " No God no". The other members of the staff are moved by his outpouring of emotion.
George looks back up to Rumsfeld with a confused look on his face and says "Exactly how many is a Brazilian?"

ahh, the weekend

I got drunk. Super, super drunk. Friday night was fun. Went to the Generator and saw Rocketface. I had a really good night though...and no regrets, even though I became very acquainted with the work toilet on Saturday morning. (reminder to self: hang-overs at work at a bad idea...don't know how the jocks do it so often).
I had a good conversation about tattoos with the basist from the band. He read the Jack Johnson lyrics I have on my shoulder, and gave me the usual "that's deep". Then I explained it's not my work, and proceeded to tell him how awkward I find it when people ask me what my tattoos mean. He agreed that no matter how you explain something, or how meaningful a tattoo is to a person, when someone else tries to understand it, it just seems cheesy.
It was a good time. That was around beer #2. If it had happened around beer #3-5 I would have been incoherent. As it was, dancing was plenty for me. But, like I said, good night, free music=good times. And the band was awesome. There is little that bugs me more than seeing someone live who you think will be good because you like their CD, only to find out they actually suck when on stage.
In closing, you know it was a good night when people see you the next day who weren't even there and say "you had a good one, huh?" Or when they just laugh at how rough you look. (note: by 'you' I mean 'I' or 'me')

car and plans

I finally got my car today. $1900. Yes, that's right, just shy of a full month's salary without the income tax taken off. Whoo. That stung the pocketbook...but oh well. I guess it was necessary (though it kills me just a teeny bit inside to say "oh well") But I now have a car...and a strict budget which I'm so far adhering to. Though it is only the second of June. Oy. Oh well...like I said, what's done is done and had to be so. I'm going to see Brad in 5 more sleeps and I told him already it's going to have to be a thrifty visit because, well, I can't afford anything more. He countered with "what makes you think you'll be paying for anything?" Which is nice to hear, and it was wonderful of him to offer to help out. I do love him.
I'm going to the genny tonight to see Rocketface, who made lewd comments about be when they came into the station today to go on-air with Doc...I wasn't in the room at the time, but Doc skipped into the newsroom afterwards to tell me in a sing-song teasing voice...guess my long-dreamed of career as a groupie is not such a pipedream afterall! hahaha...ewwwww. Still, it will be nice to get out and do something tonight...and it's free...and who am I to turn down a free show? Hopefully it'll be fun. Did I mention it's free?

My roomate is the best

pretty sure I didn't get across how awsome Mare has been to me this past two weeks. I mean, seriously, I've completely inconvenienced her by borrowing her car all the time, and she's never let me know how that I'm being a big pain in the ass. She's been just wonderful, and I am so greatful. Couldn't ask for a better romate (and not just because she let's me use her car...there's the frequent emotional crisis she helps me keep at bay...and the fact that she makes me laugh until I'm crying for no apparent reason, and that's just the tip of the iceburg!)

car troubles.

Through some spiteful twist of fate, my days off are never that nice. The weather is usually grey and threatens rain...except yesterday. Yesterday was sunny and hot...and I don't have a car to enjoy it. Mare has been wonderful about letting me use her car, which I really appreciate, but I do feel bad. I feel like it's been such a huge inconvenience, and one of those things where it doesn't take long to "wear out the welcome" so to speak. I can't speak for her, but I know I'm getting restless without my wheels, and I can only assume she's getting a little tired of having to work around my schedule (though I know she'd never complain because she knows it's not on purpose). So, these past few days I'm trying to use it as little as possible, only when necessary for work. But it does leave me somewhat less flexible (obviously). Anyway, she came home sick yesterday afternoon, and while I know I could have taken the car and done some errands, I developed a headache. Figures. And it was a stretch to have the energy to go to Wal-mart with her and get some errands out of the way. Ugh. I just need my car back...but I really don't want to spend 2 grand on it. Ugh.