Saturday, September 23, 2006

one more sleep...

if I can actually get to sleep that is. Tomorrow morning, at 8 I will get up and shower and finish my packing. I will have my coffee and call my mum and then Heather will come and get me at 10 and I will be off to the airport to fly to Saskatchewan to see Brad. I can't wait to see him. I can't believe it's only one more sleep. We've been counting since the 30s...and to be down to one. I didn't believe it for most of the day and then around 8, while at the Cougars game tonight it hit me, and I suddenly have the Christmas morning feeling. I need to sleep, but my mind is busy. I feel like if I tried to go to bed right now it would just be useless...on the flip side, I'm tired enough right now.
Arrrrrgh! I wish it were tomorrow. I have a lot of travelling, but at least when I'm travelling I feel like I'm getting closer to arrival...even if the particular part of travel involves a (very) long layover in any number of cities.
Must go to bed...must make it NO more sleeps!

Thursday, September 21, 2006

one-sided friendships

I'm having one of those days where I feel in a funk, I feel depressed and very low. But does anybody bother to ask me how my life is going? Hell no. Nothing beyond the "how's it going?" in passing, which is always answered with a "alright, and you?" no matter how I'm feeling. It would be clear to those who cared to look that I am not, in fact, alright. But no one cares to look. This is not a big deal as far as most of the people at work goes, because there are not many I would feel right dumping my problems on anyway. But there are some that I have given my ear to, that I have spent hours listening to the problems of, and that I have put a lot of effort into trying to help...and they are so wrapped up in their own lives that they don't notice. And that's just fine. It just puts things in perspective. I miss my real friends, who would actually bother to notice that things are off with me today.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006


Maureen came to visit me on sunday when I got back from Smithers. It's very strange to think that we've known each other for 12 years now. Half of my life. Sunday night we drank a bottle of wine, got very silly and reminisced. We talked until 1:30 about boys, relationships, and memories from our trip to England in 2002 (was it really 4 years ago?!). I found it funny how we can have such different memories of things when we were both in the exact same place at the exact same time. We both had to jog the other's memory for several incidents. Looking back, it's really no wonder my mum was terrified for us going to the UK. We were 19 afterall, and so completely naive. But what an incredible trip...I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Before Sunset

I watched Before Sunset tonight, and it has occured to me, I relate more to the characters as 32 year olds than I do when they were supposed to be 23. Is that obsurd? I remember how captivated I was by the romanticism and naivity of Before Sunrise, and now, in this sequel, nine years later, the reflective nature seems more fitting to me. I'm not jaded, but it intrigues me that I would relate better to thirty-somethings than to those closer to my own age. The only conclusions I can draw are that a. they wrote the characters unrealistically (definately a possibility) and targetted them more towards my age group, or b. I'm ridiculously mature for my age. Ha! But, the movie was good. Many would argue, and many would be horribly disappointed and likely be fairly to extremely bored, but I like it. The first movies became my quiet, reflective mood movie, and the second, was a good movie.

single digit countdown

we're into the single digits of the countdown now...and frankly I can't wait. And not just because I can't wait to see Brad, but I can't wait for a break from here. This is getting ridiculous. The newsroom is damn-near intollerable some days. I don't mind working hard, in fact, I like it; I like deadlines, I like being pushed, and I like being busy, but when those things are overshaddowed by a huge ball of stress, it's like a big negative cloud over the newsroom. I don't work well in such extremely negative conditions. But, not only do I get to get away for a week, three days of that are days in lieu, so I don't have to use holidays for those, and furthermore, I get to see my Brad again. God I can't wait...

Monday, September 04, 2006

A ponderism

I stood in my livingroom and spun around and around, letting my arms float up like they were weightless. When I stopped I felt dizzy and realized that's pretty much exactly what it feels like when I'm drunk, and I mean really drunk; drunk to the point where if I don't drink lots and lots of water I'm going to have a mean hang over the next day. Maybe if I only spun around 4 times instead of 6 I would just get a buzz...that sure would save money...
Anyway, the bottom line is I understand why little kids love spinning so much, but at the same time, wonder why I never felt sick after spinning when I was little?
I bet you're wondering why I was spinning in the first place...well, why the hell not?

So young

I was so young! Looking back through photos of my friends and I when we graduated in 2000...and I can't believe how little I look. I was such a little kid wonder my parents were terrified I would do something stupid, I thought I was a grown up, but I was just a kid. 17 is not an adult by any means. And it so strange to think about my mentality then...the weird mindset, thinking was all grown up because I was "ready" to move off to school and get on with my adult life. I was so young.

"All women should" and I still haven't...

What Every Woman Should Have:
*One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to (even if you wouldn't) and one who reminds you of how far you've come.
*Enough money within your control to move out and rent a place on your own, even if you never want or need to.
*Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
*A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you're not ashamed to be seen carrying.
*A youth you're content to move beyond.
*A past juicy enough that you're looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
*A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.
*One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
*A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
*Eight matching plates, wineglasses with stems and a recipe for a meal that will make your guests feel honored.
*A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.
*A feeling of control over your destiny.
*A skin care regime, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don't get better after 30.
*A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better.

Every Woman Should Know:
*How to fall in love without losing yourself.
*How you feel about having kids.
*How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
*When to try harder and when to walk away.
*How to kiss a man in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn't like to happen next.
*How to have a good time at a party you'd never choose to attend.
*How to ask for what you want in a way that makes it most likely you'll get it.
*That you can't change the length of your calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your parents.
*That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.
*What you would and wouldn't do for love or money.
*How to live alone, even if you don't like it.
*Who you can trust, who you can't, and why you shouldn't take it personally.
*Where to go - be it your best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn hidden in the woods - when your soul needs soothing.
*What you can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, and a year.
*Why they say life begins at 30.

I'm feeling a little torn between being lonely and enjoying the feeling of independance. My apartment is quiet and I like the feeling that everything here is mine. Living on my own was something I never thought I would actually do. It comes from believing the position I'm in in a relationship would simply continue to escalate, and negate the need to ever live solo. It sort of seems everything I promise myself I will never do turns out to happen.
For example:
- "I will never live in Res" - Whoops, two years running and happened to meet a terrific guy there.
- "I will never take the bus from BC to Saskatchewan ever again" - whoops, twice at Christmas
- "I will never give (insert name of guy here) another chance" - whoops... it applies to more guys than I could name anyway, and to all levels of relationship from the crush stage to the actual dating stage.
- "I will never speak to her again" - ok, so that's from when I was little kid and I got into a fight with my friends because they wouldn't let me play with their cabbage patch kid or something.
- "I will never live beyond my means again" - yeah, well, apparently I didn't learn that lesson the first time around.
- "I will never let myself be treated like a doormat by a guy again" - yeah, well, let's just say the "anti-doormat" clause is a recent addition to my life, and when I said it last time, I may as well have gotten "WELCOME" tattooed on my forehead.

Well, I think you get the idea. It never works out the way I say it will when I say "I will never..." or "I refuse..." So I try not to say that anymore, because usually it's something I feel rather strongly about and then feel very sheepish when I actually do end up doing what I said I would never do.
I don't really know where I'm going with this...just sort of a contemlative babble I suppose.

In other news: I love this site: clearly written by a chick. love it.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Growing up

I knew it would happen, or rather, I had been told it would happen, but when it actually does...well, it's surreal. From the time the first person in my class got engaged I was told it was not the end and all of a sudden everyone would be getting married.
the weird part of me is thinking about these people how I knew them in highschool. These people who went out all the time and got drunk and screwed around all the time. I know that was highschool, and it's definately not fair to hold things from those four years against anyone...afterall it was 6 year ago (holy crap!), but it's so strange to think of these kids getting hitched and being adults...even the ones I knew after highschool I still think of silly little first year university students...the fact many of them are done university too and trying to get real jobs blows my mind too. It's much the same as looking at someone you used to babysit and seeing them at graduation, or (even worse) at the bar! How did they grow up? And when did that happen? Weird

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Music Memories

"Palm of your Hand" by Cake will always bring back memories of October 2004, riding the ferry back from the island with Britt, sitting on the deck, contemplating life and having trouble breathing from the wind.

And what, exactly, was I thinking?

I've been re-reading my old journals lately, and come to realize just how messed up my previous relationships have been. Whenever I look back, I try to do so with happy (yet distant) memories. But reading my journals makes me think, perhaps looking back with that sort of disposition is not entirely accurate. I am well aware that a good portion of the shittiness was likely caused by me and my idiosyncracies...but really! There was a lot of shit, and a lot of crying. I don't understand why I thought that was normal? Where did I get the impression crying myself to sleep in frustration and general misery was the sign of a good relationship? I guess i was young, and that's a large part of it, but honestly. In the end, it just really brings my current relationship into sharp focus. Brad treats me like a queen, and I appreciate that to begin with, but remembering how bad things had been really puts it into perspective. That's not to say there weren't good times before too, and I never wrote about those because I was too busy enjoying them.I just wonder sometimes what I was thinking.