And what, exactly, was I thinking?

I've been re-reading my old journals lately, and come to realize just how messed up my previous relationships have been. Whenever I look back, I try to do so with happy (yet distant) memories. But reading my journals makes me think, perhaps looking back with that sort of disposition is not entirely accurate. I am well aware that a good portion of the shittiness was likely caused by me and my idiosyncracies...but really! There was a lot of shit, and a lot of crying. I don't understand why I thought that was normal? Where did I get the impression crying myself to sleep in frustration and general misery was the sign of a good relationship? I guess i was young, and that's a large part of it, but honestly. In the end, it just really brings my current relationship into sharp focus. Brad treats me like a queen, and I appreciate that to begin with, but remembering how bad things had been really puts it into perspective. That's not to say there weren't good times before too, and I never wrote about those because I was too busy enjoying them.I just wonder sometimes what I was thinking.

drifting

I don't know how many times I've talked about how friendships change and people change and you only have so much time in the day and have to decide how to spend it and divide it among people. How that inevitably leaves people on the list that just don't get any time devoted to them...which is just the way the cookie crumbles really. How those friends get demoted to "aquaintances". That's always been my philosphy, and it always seemed to me to be the way the world works. Maybe it's just a way to cope, a defence mechanism so that when I slight someone (or get slighted) I can just say "well, that's the way the world works". I wonder if things aren't so cut and dried and maybe there's some grey area...then again...maybe not. Maybe it is that cut and dried.
I often surprise myself at how harsh I can be with friends. I'm more than willing to put in the time and energy with someone, but if that energy is not given back equally then it's a sort of three strikes rule. It's a harsh thing to do, but then again, why would I keep putting my time and energy into something that's just wasting my time and energy? That's not to say that if the lines of communication were ever brought up again I would sit there and say "screw you, you didn't have time for me six months ago, so I don't have time for you now"...I will respond and see how things go from there...but I won't be surprised if the connection fails again, and I certainly won't allow myself to feel hurt if it does.
It's one of those things that happens when people get older and start to have their own lives, and I would never begrudge someone that. It's just the way things go...but before you know it...well, who's left?

--------------------------
On a completely unrelated note, I've been asked at least 8 times in the past month if I'm engaged yet. This is getting ridiculous. I'm not, and I promise, if I were, you would know. Thank you.

Drinking gives me courage!

Ok, so, contrary to popular belief, going out and getting pissed is not going to become a habit for me. It was just a coincidence that the first two weekends I had off ended up to be big party weekends, and, what with not having to work the next day, I decided to be a little silly. Last night was a little less than planned though. Oh well. Carol and I talked for a couple hours dowing glass after glass of champagne...and two bottles later, well, yeah. Let's just say it's a good thing everyone else was pissed too, because otherwise I may have made a big fool of myself. But the good thing that came from last night is the new found feeling of "I'm going to do this and damn to anyone who says no." I think it's about time I got ballsy.

Thank you for 'Tim'

A brief note:
I finally got around to watching "Tim" tonight, a 1979 movie starring Mel Gibson.
Women everywhere must see this movie...not for plot, not for character development, not for phenomenal acting...no, women must see this movie to see Mel at the tender age of 23 wearing short-shorts and a muscle shirt, or (oh dear god, it's true) a speedo.
So, thank you Director Michael Pate for the gift of a 23 year old Mel Gibson leaping and running along the white sandy beaches of Australia, caught on tape for the world to cherish forever.

Kim Mitchell wears shiny shorts, and Jessica hearts beer!

Kim Mitchell wore black shorts with shiny silver stars on them. The crowd was mostly 40+ year olds who used to groove to the music back when it was new. You should have seen the audience go crazy when they started playing "Patio Lanterns"!



In recap of the night:
*I had lots of beer.
*Heather, darling that she is, was the DD...
*Erica came up from Quesnel for a last "Hurrah" before heading to Peace River. *No one had to pay to see the show. *Colin put on a hell of a show. *and I don't think we stopped dancing from the start of the show to the end. Though, in all honesty, I don't think I could have stopped...I get that way when I drink...I feel the Rhythm Divine...until I crash that is ...which apparently I did at CWP's house (and oh what a flattering picture that is...). A good night though, and, lo and behold, this morning I woke without a hangover! Yahoo!

a mid morning reflection

change doesn't have to be scarey. the scarey thing about change is the unknown part of it, and the way it comes regardless of whether you're ready for it or not. very few people like change, but on the other side of the coin, those who have no change in their lives become bored and restless. staying in the same job for 30 years, the same tasks day in and day out, nothing different, well, it's dull and if you were faced with that prospect for the rest of your life, it would be more awful than waking up and wondering if the rug was going to be pulled out from underfoot. so change doesn't have to be scarey, being stagnant is the scarey bit.

what was the point of this?

I was going to post, but then as I was writing, it was turning into more of a rant than anything that anyone would like to read...that includes myself. I've already bitched to everyone that would listen and I don't feel much better, so I guess it's all to do with being tired. Finally getting around to importing a bunch of music into my iPod, which is good to do. Hmmm, again, sliding into a terribly boring and pointless post...I should really just delete it all and forget the idea of posting anything at all, but for some reason I'm compelled to continue.
Right now I:
love: Jack Johnson on the Curious George soundtrack, "Lady in the Water"
hate: working 15 days straight without a day off, and having to go to council tomorrow night
am feeling: tired and a little cranky
again...what was the point of this?

not so alone it would seem

I love having guests, and I love seeing my friends, and I love being social...but it's time for a pause I think. I've lived in my apartment for just shy of a month, and since I moved in, I haven't been on my own here for more than a couple of days. When I moved in, Brad came to visit, which was absolutely wonderful and I wouldn't trade for the world. He left on Sunday and was followed by my friend (another) Brad and his girlfriend stopping by and crashing on my floor for the night en route to Kamloops. Monday through to Friday I was on my own, so I guess that's 4 nights alone, then Mare and Anna came on Friday afternoon. They stayed until Sunday afternoon. I was on my own for 3 nights from Sunday to Wednesday when I went back to Smithers for my "weekend". Thursday and Friday were at home by myself and then Saturday Maureen and Matt came to visit. They stayed until Tuesday night. Now I've had 3 nights alone. So, in roughly a month, I've only been alone in my apartment for 10 nights. That seems a little ridiculous to me...and may account for why I'm so exhausted all the time. Being a really bad hostess is hard work!
(PS, most boring blog entry ever)

appearances

I have often wondered about people and society while sitting in court.
The way people dress creates a stereotype...or does the stereotype dictate the way someone dresses? For example, what makes someone who is trailer-trashy dress in tights and a ripped mini-skirt with hooker boots, an over-the-top low-cut shirt that shows way too much cleavage to be appropriate and messy bleached and teased hair? Is it because something in their history told them that was a "sexy" look? I can only assume most of these people have access to a television, and if not, they must leave the house and see other people dressed well, or at the very least, appropriately and tastefully. So, why the trailer-trash outfit? What made them think it was a "good look"?
I have also wondered, looking at people who have obviously had a hard go with life, whether those people look as rough as they do because of their lives, or because of a stigma? For example, when a person is known as a cocaine addict, do they look as rough as they do because they really are, or is it because I know they have drug problems and likely live a dilapidated lifestyle? Would they still look as harsh if they were clean cut and dressed in a suit, for example? The facial features would still be the same.
Which came first, the assumption someone lives a broken life, or the appearance they do?

My day off (singular)

I had a really good day off. Very relaxing and long enough to feel like two, which was really good considering I really only had one day off this week (I worked a bunch of overtime yesterday...hooray for banking hours!).
It started with a big struggle to get out of bed, but I won over the pull of my comfy bed and go up and ready in the timeline I had allowed myself. I took my car in nice and early to Tony the mechanic (who should just love me for the ammount of money I've given him for repairs to my wheels. Right on schedule, I was nice and early at the bus stop waiting for the bus to take me back to my apartment.
While I was at home I made a call to Kris in FSJ who had told me about the job and thanked him but explained that I feel like I'm in a good place right now and want to stick it out for a little while longer and see what happens here. He said he totally understood and was in a similar situation, so no worries. I thanked him again for the heads up.
After less than an hour at home Tony called me with the good news: the power steering was only leaking because the hose wasn't tightenned completely, which meant I only had to pay for the time they spent working on it and making sure it was going to be ok. So I went to the bus stop again and was early for the bus back to the shop.
After picking up my car I did some errands which included returning a movie to the video store. I dropped it off and was walking around the counter when I guy standing there said "Excuse me" I turned around and he said "You are disgustingly beautiful" I gave him a strange look and said "uhhh, thank you" and left. What a weird way to compliment someone..."disgusting" isn't usually followed by "beautiful", but oh well, some people are just odd...I took it at face value and went on with my errands.
Afterwards, Docc and I went for lunch at Kelly O's where he picked up the tap since he works there and gets a discount. Then we went to Fort George Park and walked around and talked. It was a really good way to spend the day, then I dropped him off at the station and came back to my apartment once again.
I watched TV and vegged..."the bounty" was on (oh, Mel), and then I talked briefly with Brad before his phone died. I did some dishes and general tidying of my place in preparation for Mare and Anna's arrival tomorrow, and now I'm ready for bed and it's only 11. A good, full day...and it's back to work tomorrow and then a weekend of hanging out with Mare and Anna including a concert, some dancing and generally good times all around. Looking forward to the weekend, and feeling settled and content in general.

a dilema

A dilema indeed...I've been told of an on-air morning co-host/news/beat reporting job in FSJ. If I want to go back into on-air that's the way for me to go, but I feel like I've already settled myself into putting my efforts into news and following that path. I feel like I should stick with what I'm doing, because, well, the other job doesn't feel quite right to me...though I don't know why. I'm big on following my gut, but I also like to know why I feel a certain way about something before I go ahead and follow my instincts. Is it just that I feel comfortable with what I'm doing, or is it that this is actually the best thing for me to do? I don't want to do anything because of complacency...but...

life or something like it

it's one of those identity crisis moments for me, though maybe 'crisis' is the wrong word to use. I don't feel lost or lacking in identity, more just a wonderment at how I got here. I have vivid and vague memories of growing up and playing and going to school and the things I was interested in when I was young, and I can remember being in high school having no idea what was next for me, but being hell-bent on acting. Then school finished and the path my life was on changed. I got a boyfriend, I moved into my first place and I worked a retail job, and somewhere along the lines my goals changed and I fell into a sort of limbo. Things changed, as they always do, and I found a new goal for myself. That goal led me to BCIT and radio school where I found the dream of being on air. After the two year program I moved to Saskatchewan to be with Brad and couldn't get a job on-air so I began to do news. Following my hopes of going back into on-air I moved to PG for a different and better news job. Now that two on-air opportunities have fallen through, it seems news has become my career. It's a good thing. It's always a little sad to see a dream fade away, but it's also been replaced with something that holds promise for me. I know the steps of how I got here, but I can't for the life of me figure out how I got here mentally. I think a lot of it came to me this afternoon when I was reading the 3p cast for Prince George and heard the intro say "here's Jessica Williams". I know who I am, but when I hear my name it always makes me think "is that me?" People say I look like a Jessica, but what does that mean? That the seven letters suit my appearance? Would I have done the same thing with my life if my parents had given me a different name when I was born? Would I still be Jessica Williams with another name?
I've gone from a place in life where the thought of being as grown up as the 7th grade kids was a foreign idea, to the brink of graduation and being set free from high school with nothing more than a stubborn determination to be an actress, to feeling lost and pathless, to blindly following a whim and going to school, to having something I enjoy doing and wondering where I'm going and how to navigate a path in life when I don't know where the path leads. And I can't help but feel like I haven't really learned anything from life, except that it keeps going and you just have to deal with each day.

bloody car

my friggin car is busted again. yup...again. this time there's some sort of leak in the power steering. god only knows. jus when I start to get a handle on my money and feel like I can crawl out of this hole, my car goes to pot again...god willing it will only cost around a hundred to get fixed. pretty sure my mechanic's bank account loves me though.

tools of the trade

a can-openner is a very useful tool...when you have one. I, for one, do not. Thus began my problem when I realized the cheap coffee I bought today from Wal-mart did not infact have one of those nifty handy pull off tops. No, it was a fully seeled can. The thought of having no coffee in the morning moved me to search the kitchen for something sharp to be used in lieu. For future reference: cork screws do not effectively open a can, neither does bringing a knife down on the top with any reasonable ammount of force...or rather, not if you still want to have use of the knife ever again, which I did, it being my only knife. Then, it dawned upon me: a hammer would exert an appropriate ammount of force...and a screwdriver would certainly not bend under the forceful blows. So I began to hammer away at the top of my coffee can, creating a 2 inch perforation along one edge, and puncturing out the remaining bits in between. Realizing how long it would take me to fully remove the top in this manner, I began to see alternative methods again...when it occured to me: coffee is ground very small, small enough in fact, to be poured out through a two by 1/8 inch slot. necessity truly is the mother of invention, and who ever said a woman can't use tools? Bah!

a wonderful week together

the wonderful week has come to an end. Brad left this morning back to Rosetown. I hate the goodbye. A long hug and then we part...but as awful as the parting always is, the time spent together is worth it.
he arrived on friday the 14th and we spent the evening sitting and smiling stupidly at each other, just happy to be together again. saturday I had to work, but we went shopping after and went to dinner and a movie that night. sunday after work we left for Smithers and spent the night there. monday morning we left for terrace and went camping at lakelse lake. the weather wasn't wonderful; cool and cloudy, but at least it didn't rain. we had the staple camping food of hotdogs and burgers and marshmallows (I heart marshmallows!) and finally got to use all of the camping gear Brad bought in june that didn't get used when I went to visit him because of the poor weather and rain. tuesday was my birthday and we had camping egg mcmuffins (which were amazing), and spent the day relaxing and just enjoying the feeling of having nothing to do. wednesday we packed up and headed back to Smithers. that night we saw Pirates of the Caribbean for the second time (the first, in PG, was a bit of a bust since the only seats left in the theatre were in the second row and we could hardly see the whole screen). thursday was spent sleeping in and going to lunch, then packing up the car and heading back to PG. friday I had to work again, but after work Brad made supper...fillet mignon on the barbeque with baked potatoes, garlic bread and caesar salad with cheesecake for dessert. we watched a movie and went to bed trying to fight off the sweltering heat that had settled on the apartment during the day. yesterday after work we went for lunch and did a little bit of shopping, but it was too hot to do much at all, so we went back to the apartment and sat there melting. dinner at BP, and back to the apartment, which had, once again, heated up to 30 during the day. Brad had a stroke of genius during the evening and we put the fan out on the deck to push the cool air into the livingroom. the bedroom remained so bloody hot though, so we picked up the mattress off of my bed and put it on the floor in the living room, leaving the screen door open with the fan on the porch and slept there. it actually got cool enough to need a blanket...marvelous! this morning we went to tim hortons for coffee and then Brad followed me to work and said goodbye. I miss him already.

quizzie thing

SECTION 1 - YOU
+ Known as: Jess, J-Will, J-dubb, J, saucy wench, Bubs
+ Born: July 18th
+ Haircolor: some sort of mess of brown and golden brown
+ Eyecolor: Blue when I'm happy, Green when I'm pissed off or sad

SECTION 2 - HAVE YOU EVER...
+ Fallen off the bed?: I have a small scar on my chin to prove it
+ Broken someone else's heart?: yeah, what can I say, I'm a heartbreaker
+ Had your heart broken?: yeah...apparently also a heartbreakee
+ Had a dream come true?: sure have

SECTION 3 - CURRENTLY...
+ Wearing: board shorts and a t-shirt with skull and crossbones that says "Saucy Wench"
+ Listening to: 94X
+ Located: newsroom at work
+ Chatting with: no one..so lonely
+ Watching: crazy people and bums going past the station (working in the ghetto!)
+ Should REALLY be: writing a second version of a story for the 8am cast

SECTION 4 - DO YOU...
+ Do you brush your teeth?: frequently...it's what I do when I forget what I was going to do
+ Have any piercings?: several in my ears and one in my nose..and a wee scar from my eyebrow
+ Drive?: a "little mermaid green" cav
+ Drink?: on occassion
+ Have a cell phone?: yes, and I can't live without it

SECTION 5 - THE LAST PERSON YOU...
+ Hugged: Brad
+ IMed: can't remember...been moving, haven't had internet
+ Talked with on the phone: Brad, checking to see if he wanted me to pick up something for supper

SECTION 7 - PERSONAL...
+ What do you want to be when you grow up?: A pony!
+ What comes first in your life?: god only knows
+ Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush?: I have a crush on my boyfriend
+ What are you most scared of?: Bridges.
+ What do you usually think about before you go to bed?: did I set the alarm? oh god WHAT time do I have to get up?
+ Did you lose someone you really loved?: not in the "great beyond" sense, but yes+ How many times have you FALLEN in love: whooo...umm...I guess three or four?

SECTION 8 - FAVORITE...
+ Movie: Little Mermaid, Maverick, Pirates of the Caribbean : the Curse of the Black Pearl, Princess Bride, Orgazmo, to name a few
+ Band: Matchbox 20, Jack Johnson (though he's not a band)
+ Store: Wal-Mart...the source of all evil and human suffering, but SUCH good bargains!
+ Cousin: Clint
+ Sport: to watch: olympic diving, though I like watching the riders, and I like watching soccer too
+ Food: perogies. period. stop, full stop.
+ Candy: chocolate
+ Day of the week: thursday
+ color: green, yellow, red.

SECTION 9 - DO YOU...
+ Like to give hugs?: yes, but not with those creepy people that only want to hug you as an excuse for touching
+ Like to walk in the rain?: sure do
+ Prefer black or blue?: neither really
+ Sleep on your side, stomach or back?: back
+ Have a goldfish?: they have all perished.
+ Ever have the falling dream?: frequently
+ Have stuffed animals?: cuddles and commander bun-bun.

SECTION 11 - THIS OR THAT...
+ Pierced nose or tongue?: nose
+ MTV or BET?: but the view isn't on either of those stations! (kidding, kidding, I DON'T watch the View!), and I don't watch either.
+ 7th heaven or dawsons creek?: I guess Dawsons Creek cause I USED to watch it...USED to.
+ Chocolate or flowers?: Flowers
+ Color or Black-and-white photos?: generally I like color
+ Stay up late or sleep in?: one followed by the other
+ Hot or cold?: hot
+ Sun or moon?: sun
+ Left or Right?: left
+ 10 Acquaintances or one best friend?: one best friend
+ Mustard or ketchup?: ketchup in moderation.
+ Spring or Fall?: Spring+ Happy or sad: happy happy happy!
+ Wonder or amazement?: amazement
+ McDonald's or Burger King?: mmmm, BK chicken sandwich...yum...drooling..
+ Mexican or Italian food?: Italian, spicy food gives me gas

FIRSTS
First best friend: Amber...I was really little and she was bossy.
First screen name: JessW13
First self purchased CD: Friends Soundtrack
First pets: Flower the hamsterFirst piercing/tattoo: ears

LASTS
Last car ride: this morning at 5:10 cruising into work late
Last good cry:couple days ago maybe? a while ago...I don't really remember
Last crush: my boyfriend...so far so good.
Last phone call: mum when she called us in Burns Lake where the keys were locked in the car and there are no towing companies or locksmiths in the bloody town
Last time showered: this morning, roughly 4:40am
Last shoes worn: flipflops
Last Song played: .......?....can't remember
Last item bought: lunch at Louise's Kitchen
Last annoyance: my bed constantly breaking
Last website visited: hotmail
Last word/s you said: "what WAS the last item I bought....?"...alright, so I talk to myself, so what?
Last song you sang: "the beer bone" by tracy someoneorother on the Wolf...singing along

What's under your bed?: nothing...too afraid anything under there will be smooshed when my bed finally kicks it.
What time did you wake up today?: 4:30
Current mood: sleepy and a little bored.current food: post-coffee water
Current hair: frizzy mess
Current annoyance(s): not knowing when I'll start working a regular mon-fri shift and get to drop kick the weekend thing.
Current hate: companies putting allergy warnings on products just to save their asses when they could just be more careful.

Appearance
[ ] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[ ] I tan easily.
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color.
[x] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[x] I have a tattoo.
[x] I have/I've had braces.
[x] I wear glasses/contacts
[ ] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have had piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have/had freckles.

Family/Home Life
[ ] I've run away from home
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids.
[ ] I've had children.
[ ] I've lost a child.

School/Work
[ ] I'm in school.
[x] I have a job.
[x] I've fallen asleep at work/school.
[ ] I almost always do my homework.
[x] I've missed a week or more of school.
[x] I've been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years.
[ ] I failed more than 1 class last year.
[ ] I've stolen something from my job
[ ] I've been fired.

Embarrassment
[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I've peed from laughing.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[x] I've glued my hand to something
[ ] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[x] I've had my pants rip/drop in public.

Health
[ ] I was born with a disease/impairment.
[ ] I've gotten stitches.
[ ] I've broken a bone.
[ ] I've had my tonsils removed.
[x] I've sat in a doctors office with a friend.
[x] I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
[ ] I had a serious surgery.
[ ] I've had chicken pox.

Traveling
[x] I've driven over 200 miles in one day.
[x] I've been on a plane.
[x] I've been to Canada.
[ ] I've been to Mexico.
[ ] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] I've been to Japan.
[ ] I've Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[x] I've been to Europe.
[ ] I've been to Africa.

Experiences
[x] I've gotten lost in my city.
[x] I've seen a shooting star.
[x] I've wished on a shooting star.
[x] I've seen a meteor shower.
[x] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[x] I've kicked a guy where it hurts...well it was knee and it was unintentional
[x] I've been to a casino. (I like to gamble! slot machines are fun!)
[ ] I've been skydiving.
[ ] I've gone skinny dipping.
[ ] I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[ ] I've crashed a car.
[x] I've been Skiing
[x] I've been in a play.
[x] I've met someone in person from the internet.
[x] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[x] I've seen the Northern Lights.
[x] I've sat on a roof top at night.
[ ] I've played chicken.
[x] I've played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[x] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[ ] I've eaten Sushi.
[x] I've been snowboarding.

Honesty/Crime
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[ ] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[ ] I've run a red light.
[ ] I've been suspended from school.
[ ] I've been arrested.

Death and Suicide
[x] I'm afraid of dying.
[x] I hate funerals.
[ ] I've seen someone dying.
[ ] Someone close to me has committed suicide.
[ ] I've attempted suicide.
[ ] I've written a eulogy for myself.

Materialism
[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[x] I own iPod or MP3 player
[ ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[ ] I own a real designer purse
[ ] I own an accesory other than a purse from a designer
[x] I own something from Hot Topic.
[ ] I own something from Pac Sun.
[x] I collect comic books.
[x] I own something from The Gap.
[x] I own something I got on e-bay.
[ ] Majority of my closet is abercrombie/hollister

Random
[x] I can sing well. (I think I'm alright.)
[ ] I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[ ] I open up easily to others.
[x] I watch the news.
[ ] I don't kill bugs.
[ ] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
[x] I curse regularly.
[x] I sing in the shower.
[x] I am a morning person (definately becoming one anyway)
[x] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[x] I'm a snob about grammar.
[ ] I am a sports fanatic.
[x] I twirl my hair
[x] I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day
[x] I bake well.
[x] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue
[ ] I would wear pajamas to school.
[ ] I like Martha Stewart. (anyone who checks yes to this box will no longer be called friend by me)
[x] I laugh at my own jokes.
[ ] I eat fast food weekly.
[x] I believe in ghosts.
[ ] I am online 24/7 even with an away message.
[x] I've not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class
[x] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I am really ticklish.
[ ] I love white chocolate
[ ] I bite my nails.
[x] I play video games.
[ ] I'm good at remembering faces.
[ ] I'm good at remembering names
[ ] I'm good at remembering dates.
[x] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
[x] My answers are totally true.

settling and saving

all moved into my place now...it feels good to be set up and feel a little settled. Hopefully the feeling will last a little longer than a day this time.
and I've managed to set up and RRSP with little bittie contributions each month...but apparently by the time I'm 65, it will have added up to over 200-thousand dollars! Woo! Not nearly enough, but god willing I'll manage to make a wee bit more money sometime down to road and be able to put a little more cash into it as the years go by. And I guess if I don't, I'll just live out my retirement in a cardboard box under a bridge somewhere. I wonder what sort of postal code would apply to a box?

tired

I am tired, and sore. Every muscle in my body is achy and protesting the simplest movements. The reasoning is moving. I helped Mare move her stuff to a storage space yesterday. It took us roughly 5 hours and was completely exhausting. The good part is I'm now moved into my own place, well, more or less anyway. I still have to take all my clothes and other things in my room, and then the next step is to clean the apartment so she'll get her damage deposit back.
On the upside, Brad is coming to visit me very very soon. He'll be here sometime on saturday at the latest, and hopefully late friday. It will be so good to see him again; I miss him so much.
I will be very happy once this week is done

And the peace is gone! Whooooosh!

Hard at work, clearly. My mind just won't slow down and it's making it hard for me to feel at peace...oh how short lived that feeling of calmness was! But it was nice, fleeting as it was, and after this weekend, I hope to achieve a level of serenity once again...maybe it will last a little longer than a day this time.
I think I should learn to meditate...then I can be like that guy!

peace through action

Ah the feeling of things falling into place. It's been what seems like a long time with life up in the air waiting for one of many options to fall into place, and things are finally coming together. The apartment will be packed up and mostly cleared on sunday, and I'll be moving into my apartment that day; my apartment decked out with a classy crome and red mylar table from roughly 1950 with red folding chairs, a hand-me-down beige couch, and my "please don't break when I sit on you" bed. It's good to have everything coming to a point where I can do things and make things happen. A good feeling of having power of what comes next once again; something I haven't had for a while, and apparently something that Jessica does not deal well with. Ok, so I always knew I couldn't deal with having no control over things, but it was one of those personality quirks I had hoped would come with age...apparently not. But the feeling of peace that comes from the ability to take action is certainly being well received by my strained psyche.