Halloween party...for many a night they won't remember

I went to skank's house for a halloween party with station crew...

And here's the evidence:

Quite obviously I was a pirate...but alas, Pope's costume far outdid mine

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Rich was an absolute gong show by about 11 (that's Baja he's pouring into Skank's mouth)

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G-Lo was "Pink Floyd" and ended up wearing a weird hat (I stole Pope's)

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Please don't ask what Colin and Skank are doing.

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And the boys... well on their way

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It was a good evening...I didn't drink...but it was a good time nonetheless.

Highlights include smoking weed in the garage, making up random chants and chanting them repeatedly, and when Docc accidentally knocked over Kyle's drink and it spilled on Skank's keyboard and everyone panicked.

The best part (quite obviously) was dressing up as a pirate.

I felt all night that something was lacking and then I realized what it was:

Mare isn't here to party it up with me, and neither is Heather. Booooo!

8 months later...

Well, it took only 2 days to wreck my stuff when I moved here in February, and 8 months to get the payment for damages.
That's right. I shipped my four boxes via Greyhound from Saskatoon and when they got here they looked like someone had played California kickball with them. I thus began the process of filing a claim with Greyhound. Sure I wasn't exactly prompt with anything, but they certainly made me jump through hoops for everything. Now I just have to sign their little contract thing that basically says "we give in, we'll send you some cash if you please stop bothering us" and then fax it off and in, what, 6-8 weeks I'll receive a nice little cheque for 100 bucks. I'm just glad to finally have been able to stick it to the man

Greetings from the Titanic

I think Bill had it right when he called the newsroom the Titanic.
No, seriously. We're sinking. I just hope that Bill isn't the captain. Can we both be wealthy women and children please?

"where life makes sense"...or so they say

At the end of our converstation tonight while Mum asked me why he gets to have us live by his family? I know what she means. And she explained that she is happy for me being happy, but not happy for her. I told her I would rather we lived close to my family...but....and she finished the sentence for me. "There's no work here...yeah...it sucks." And that's it exactly. I don't know what I would do living in Smithers. Brad can be a health inspector anywhere that has a job...as soon as his bursary is paid off in another year, but I don't know what I would do. I like Smithers, but I feel like the only tie I have to the town is my family now. Not to belittle them, but it doesn't feel like home anymore. When I drive down mainstreet, I don't feel like it's my place anymore. I feel like a visitor. I wish I could live close to my parents...and it breaks my heart when I think about not seeing my mum and da for months on end...but the realistic bit of it is that there isn't anything there for me as an adult. But she's right, it's not fair.

a moment

It was a gross windy rainy day today. I left work this evening and the sky was darker than it should have been for 6 because of the dark clouds. But as I was driving, time seemed to stop for a moment. For a moment, there was no feeling of having to do something, or having to be somewhere, there was no "to do" list. It just lasted a moment, but it was there and I all of a sudden felt totally empty of everything, and I had a chance to breathe for a moment.

I'll Miss You...

Heather is off to Vancouver today. I'm going to miss her. And I hope everything goes alright, or well, as alright as can be expected. Before she goes though, I want to post this picture. It's the picture that would have been taken if Vinnie Paul had actually stopped by the X on Sunday like he was supposed to.

suckage not quite at an all time low...pretty close, but not quite all time.

Well...things still suck at work. But not quite as bad. I've given up and thrown in the towel and said "oh fucking well".
Had a good chat with G-Lo today...even if it was me talking while he typed his side on Wordpad. It sort of reminded me of how I chat on MSN...sometimes I find myself actually saying what I want to type. I know, lunacy. Oh well. But everyone needs to stop teasing him about not talking. The one thing I have to say about radio people, is they don't know when to bloody stop. The mentality seems to be "if it's funny once, it'll be funny a billion more times and several days from now". It's not. Time to let go.

It's a step...again...we'll see...undecided...

I've sent off an application....it's a step. I don't even know if I would be happy in the position...All I know is it's a step and I'm not happy here. I guess it's all about baby steps and we'll have to see what happens.

I don't know what I would do...

Thank God for Brad. When I called him after work today, he talked me through the sobbing and offered me encouragement and support. I don't know what I would do without him.

He even said if I told him I wanted to move to Swift Current right now, he would fly up next week, get a truck and move me down.

My Nervous Breakdown.

Had a full-on, all-out break-down at work today. After the 5, I went into the X studio because I saw Heather and when she asked if I was going to the gym I said no. Docc said I was going to be going home to cry (I had said that jokingly earlier), and then I actually started to. I pride myself on keeping my shit together at work most of the time. Yes, I get upset, Yes I get cranky, Yes I will yell and curse and step outside for a moment, but I don't CRY at work.
But I did, and once I started, it didn't stop. Complete cryface. I hate cryface. And I felt awful because here I am crying in the studio with Heather and Docc. Heather has her own stuff to deal with, and Docc, well, I feel bad losing grip in front of him...he's a guy...it's just not done. I just don't let myself drop my basket infront of guys who aren't my boyfriend.
So Heather grabbed my stuff for me and I snuck out the back. I didn't want to have to explain to anyone why I had cryface.
But I'll try to explain it here.

First of all, the newsroom is horrendously understaffed. There is NO reason we should be running a newsroom of this size with 3.5 employees. There is Bill who does the morning run, myself for the afternoon, Wil who is incharge of the weekends and has Wednesday and Thursday off, and Michelle who works from 5:30-9:30 doing the network casts. For a station that is responsible for getting news to four cities....it's just completely unreasonable.
The reason we are down to 3.5 people is because EC quit. That's fine, I don't blame her in the least (really, I REALLY don't...I'm AM however damn jealous). She gave her notice two weeks ago and it took them two weeks to even post the job. That's just flat out ridiculous.

Next, the server crashed completely. Estimated time of normalcy is still Thursday.

Next, we can't do anything with audio, so there's no tape to run with stories...except when we download it from BN (read my last post for how well that works)

Next, the network still needs at least some semblance of news and the internet keeps crapping out on us.

Then, to put the icing on the cake...my mic died just as I was trying to do the 3 o'clock cast. The intro is playing and I'm talking, but nothing is happening. I leapt out of the studio and ran to the Wolf control room where Al is looking at me with a "what the hell's going on?" look. I jump into the studio and tell him my mic is fucked. So he asks me if I can read it from the second mic in the studio. I run back to the newsbooth, grab my cast and run back to the control room and then give one of the most out-of-breath casts of my life.

The thing about it all is none of these things are something I can't handle...but all balled together it's too much...especially when there's really not much of a light at the end of the tunnel. I mean, let's think realistically for a moment. The server will be back to normal on Thursday and we'll be able to be up and running again. Everything is still gone and there's no way to retrieve it. As of Monday we're down to a newsroom of 3 because Michelle quit. Even when we get a news director and regional news director, it will still take a while before things are running smoothly with that person...and then as of March we no longer have BN (a MAJOR source of news for us), and things will be bumpy yet again.

No light.

definately not good

First off, let me say that it SUCKS when the server crashes. We lost EVERYTHING at work. I mean EVERYTHING. We have lost all of the stories written, all of the audio we had, and (the biggest and worst thing to lose of all) all of our contacts. EVERYONE. We had personal cell numbers for local MLAs, Politicians, Media Reps, everything you could possibly imagine, and it's all gone, and unrecoverable. Furthermore, all of our casts are now typed out on Wordpad and printed out. Playing audio is a horror. It's definately a Monday.

When I came in this morning I looked at Bill and said "how bad is it?" and he said "well, it's definately not good".

That pretty much sums it up. Definately not good.

I just need to be more like this little guy...talk about innovative!

When You Were Young

I've spent a good portion of the morning staring intently at my scrapbooks. Specifically the one spanning 2001-2002. I don't feel old by any means, but looking back...oh my god was I ever young. I mean, I was just a baby! No wonder my mum worried about me so much. I would have too!
These pictures were taken of me and Maureen when we went to Vancouver for the Matchbox 20 concert in April of 2001. Over five years ago...I was 18 at the time.
What a time...I was living in my first apartment with Vicky and (to the chagrin of my parents) dating Chris. I thought I was all grown up and so worldly, but then that seems to be the general belief of 18 year olds the world over. Only a year later Maureen and I went to the UK for three weeks.
What a strange twilight zone feeling to look back and think about how long ago that was...and how much has changed and how much I've grown up...now I know I'm more grown up because I actually admit how little I know instead of feeling like I've got it all figured out.

coffee please

I find the ammount of coffee I need in the morning to be able to function relates directly to how screwed up my dreams are the night before. Last night's dreams were messed up. I don't remember much of them at all....little snippits here and there. One part though, involved me sitting up in bed and my ex, Chris, coming into the room. I avoided looking at thim because since we broke up (nearly five years ago) he's always done everything in his power to avoid looking at me, and just avoid me in general. So, I'm not looking at him as he sits down on the bed next to me. Then he took my hand and asked me if we could be friends. I finally looked at him and nodded and smiled and he smiled too. Strangely (or not so strangely depending on how well you know me), these sorts of dreams aren't exactly uncommon for me. I don't have them very often anymore, but I used to dream about Chris wanting to be my friend very frequently. As I said, if you know me very well then you know how much it bothers me when someone hates me. And let's just say I would probably fall over with shock if Chris were actually to come up to me and strike up a converstation with me. Especially following the incident at the Twin last Christmas. Oy.
These days though, it doesn't bother me all that much. I made my efforts to smooth things over several times, and well, no takers. Besides, it's been almost 5 years. That being said, I need a lot of coffee this morning.

A Tale of Two Weekends

Photo time! Let's compare weekends, shall we?
The first contender: Rodeo Saturday October 14th

Carol, Gail, Kyle, Me

Docc and Me

Pope singing with Ken McCoy

Okay, now, the comparison begins
The next contender: EC and Michelle's Goodbye Party at Bill's

EC, Me and Cheesecake

Jessica, Me, EC, Michelle, Leah, EA (with fun light up straws!)

The Newsroom past and present: Bill, Me (with LP), EC, Wil, Michelle, EA

The conclusion: Last night was a fun night of drinks, and I've come to the conclusion it's way more fun to be drinking when getting obliterated isn't the goal of the evening. Cheers!

Where did the good go?

Things have shifted. No longer are people asking me if I'm engaged or married. No, and, compared to what I'm getting now, I wish they were. Now things have changed and my friends and colleagues have begun trying to convince me to get a lover on the side. I am completely appalled. Honestly, what the hell? I don't condone cheating, and I value monogamy, not to mention trust! When I tell these people that I can't do that, they ask why and I tell them that Brad trusts me and would leave me if I were sleeping with someone else. They seem to think that either 1. he doesn't need to know, or 2. I would be justified in seeking sexual gratification elsewhere because "a girl's got needs".
I honestly don't even know what to do with these statements.
First of all, saying "he doesn't need to know" is possibly the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Of course he has to know. I trust him and he trusts me and if I were to go sleeping around on him I would feel awful. I mean, really truly awful inside, because I would know I had betrayed his trust and furthermore that our relationship would be a lie. If a person withholds information from their partner that they know would make their partner leave them, then the relationship is a fraud.
Second, saying "he doesn't need to know" is not actually the stupidest thing I've ever heard because the "a girl has needs" takes that prize. If we have regressed as a species to the point where hedenistic behaviour constantly wins out over monogamy and morals, then...well...I don't know what to say. I'm ashamed to call myself a human being.
So....the irony of the situation is the only way to get people off my back and get them to stop telling me to cheat (which besides, in NONE of their business), is to lie and tell them we're close to becoming engaged and I don't want to risk the bling. Apparently the prospect of a diamond is the only thing that people consider as a reason to refrain from indulging in extrenuous sexual acts.
What have we come to?

Ode to the Barbie Doll

Health Canada has now begun to allow silicone breast implants once again. Great. What ever happened to the "beauty comes from the inside" addage? Why does beauty centre around the size and shape of your breasts? I've talked to countless men about the implants vs natural contest, and there are some (albeit not many) who say implants are disgusting. There are others who says they prefer unnaturally large chests. And then there are the ones who won't say either way, which means they like them but don't want to come right out and admit they think women should look like pornstars. It's disturbing to me. I don't understand how plastic surgery can be regarded so nonchalantly. I understand the desire in cirumstances where there is a birth defect, or perhaps some sort of disfigurement from an accident or something of the like, but, why do otherwise normal women feel the need to have their physical appearance changed? And why is it decidedly acceptable? I don't know about you, but I would feel very creeped out if I knew there was a lump of hard plastic under my skin just because society told me my tits weren't good enough.

for the women I've known, who are all stronger than they know

I often wonder why women continually go for the same type of man.
Why women will constantly put themselves on the line for a man who treats them, if not like dirt, then not nearly as good as they deserve to be treated. It's often the women who dream of the fairytale, the knight in shining armor, that seem to get wrapped up with a guy about as far from that ideal as is possible. I see it again and again, and they tell me about the guy, and how they don't really know why they're attracted (addicted?) to him. I've seen it, and I've been there.
It's so easy to get wrapped up in...because they always give you just enough hope that they may change that you don't want to give up on them or the relationship. "He's trying". God if I had a nickel for the every time I've heard (and said) that one... The bottom line is this: Men don't change unless they WANT to...and no woman can make a man want to change. The only way a man will change is if he believes it is in his best interest. At least until the relationship is seriously committed, then I can't really say because I haven't been in a seriously committed and (this is key) functioning relationship before this one.
It's so easy to see how messed up a relationship is from the outside...but when you're involved...well, it's hard to see the forest for all the trees. I've had friends who have been in relationships with absolute dicks for several years on again off again and they're miserable for so much of the time, and it seems like such a waste to me. I give them support and tell them they deserve better, and they always do the same thing: nod sadly and say "I know..." trailing off at the end, which means the same thing: "I know, but....". There are any number of options for what "but" can mean...unfortunately, the "but" means they aren't ready make the change. I've learned the best thing to do is to be there to listen and encourage and just support unconditionally until they feel they're done with whatever it is.
I've had friends ask me before if I get sick of hearing about so-and-so with their messed up relationship. I really don't. I know how important it is to have someone you can confide in and who will support you and be there to lean on without getting irritated. I just keep hoping that one day these women will understand their worth, and will realize the only way the guy will understand it is to tell him to fuck off until he can be a man, and, most importantly, be able to stick to that statement knowing they deserve a loving, caring, (relatively) stress-free relationship.

"I don't know why she swallowed the fly..."

I was attempting to record the 11 oclock casts for the network and kept stumbling over my words and tripping over my tongue. So I hastily grabbed my waterbottle and took a swig. Feeling something solid in my mouth, I managed to swallow the water around it and spit out whatever was in my mouth. To my utter horror, it was a fly. I got up and calmly went to the bathroom where I swished around some toothpaste in my mouth and spat repeatedly. I know this probably won't do any good, but it felt better to know I had at least tried to clean my mouth without attempting to gargle bleach (NOT a good idea, would probably kill a person, but it was a tempting thought).
Subsequent research online did not turn up any evidence that people have died or even becoming exceedingly ill from swallowing, or nearly swallowing a fly...though I am still a little nervous.

Prince George: time warp

I went to see Krome at the Rum Jungle last night. Seems to me that Tuesday night is a really bad night to plan a concert for. It was very dead there, and I didn't stay for the whole show because, well, they didn't even go on until after midnight, closer to 1 oclock, and I was getting tired, or rather, I knew if I stayed I would be exhausted today. (which I am anyway).
On a different note, I must pay tribute to one guy at the show. He had stick straight shiny brown hair halfway down his back, wearing tapered leg jeans, and he was headbanging in earnest. He was whipping his hair around and around and around, frankly making me very dizzy just watching him. I can't imagine what that does to a person's neck or spine...but, medical disturbances aside, it just doesn't look, well, fun. He looked like he was constantly trying to keep his balance. I didn't think people still did that...but apparently they do in Prince George.

Well, that will teach me...

When I sent off my email to the Swift Current Chamber, I used an alternate email address. I figured my usual email doesn't exactly scream professional, so I used a generic "jwilliams...." blah blah, boring one. Unfortunately, I hadn't used it in a very long time, and can't remember why I set it up. Aparently I was looking for some sort of anonimity with it, and so rather than have my name as "Jessica Williams" I discovered this afternoon that it shows up as "The Jess". What I was thinking when I set that up, I have no idea. I'm such an idiot though. I don't think I would be eager to employ someone who refers to themselves as "the" anything. Such a turd.

On a completely unrelated note:

Oh well

Well, no surprise, but the job at the chamber was filled. Obviously the person they hired isn't doing a wonderful job because (from what I understood) upkeep on the website was part of the job description...and it hasn't been updated since July. Like I said, no surprise.
I had tried not to get my hopes up, but the more I thought about it, the more I was interested and hopeful. Silly Jessica. Oh well. guess it's back to the drawing board. And thanks so much to everyone who expressed their support. I really appreciate it.
Work is...well...pooey. The place is stripped to the barebones minimum and I'm pretty sure everyone is feeling the crunch. Constant technical problems are making things very difficult to deal with (and the tech issues are because the company is too cheap to pay what they should pay for appropriate software...or at least, that's my understanding). It's just one thing after another and it all comes down to a cheap cheap cheap penny-pinching company.
Sigh. The good news is I plan to go to the gym tonight with Heather and hopefully that will lift the spirits a wee bit. I also got A Breath of Snow and Ashes back from Carol and so now I can continue reading the saga (again and again and again).

Thoughts before bed...

Before I go to bed (as I should have done several hours ago), I want to put this thought out that has been plaguing me all day: I have become a bitch. A raving, angry, short-fused, bitch. I don't especially like it, but I feel like I don't have the time or energy to deal with other people's stupidity.
An example:
Al invites me to his place for a pay per view hockey game. When I say "invite" I mean, he tells me about it and demands "are you coming?" I tell him I can't. He (mockingly) says "why? got another phone date?" Last time I didn't go to a game was because I said I had a phone date with Brad (we make plans to talk to each other with the thought in mind we will be on the phone for a very long time and not to make other plans that night). I tell him no, it's actually because I have to go to the City Council meeting tonight. Fast-forward to 5:30. I'm just about to go home, and walk past the Wolf control room when I hear Al yell "JESS ISN'T COMING" in an accusing tone. I stop in my tracks, turn and walk back to the control room. He's in there talking to Wil and I say, with a perfectly straight face and a 'you don't want to mess with me right now' tone in my voice "First of all, don't start pulling a Whitey. Do you know what that is? It's where Whitey invites you to something and then guilt trips you when you say you can't go because you have other plans. Second, I have a council meeting tonight. I am going because I am taking Wil's shift. I am working tonight. And third...now this may completely change you opinion of me, but *whispered* I don't really like hockey all that much." He stares at me as though I've just confessed to feeding dead kittens to snakes. Then he yells out to Docc, and when Docc arrives he points at me and says "Docc! Jess just said she doesn't like hockey all that much!!!!" and Docc looks at Al, looks at me, and says "I know".
Basically, I was way more stern than I should have been given the circumstances and the fact I'm pretty sure Al was just trying to tease me....but I really don't care. I've had enough of people harassing me, even if it is supposed to be a joke. I'm tired of this.
I think a large part of it was the way he was mocking me for having phone dates at the start.
I'm sick of people either mocking my relationship or trying to get me to cheat on Brad. This is getting ridiculous. No one seems to appreciate the Monogamous relationship anymore, which may be the saddest thing I've ever heard.
On a totally unrelated note: It's been friggin forever since I last wrote up a normal resume...as in not a radio resume (which are different). I've just spent the last 2 hours revamping mine. I think it's good...or, well, as good as it's going to get at 2am. Hopefully the lady from the Swift Chamber will write to me tomorrow and I'll actually be able to send it off to her.

A step in the (insert word here) direction

Well, I took the step and applied for a job in Swift...who knows if it's even still open...I'm not getting my hopes up, but you never know, it might be...wish me luck, I guess?

the blah of work

I was going to work an extremely long day today and go into work at 9 (as per normal) and then work the city council meeting after that...making it a 12 hour day or so. But this morning, when my alarm clock went off, I decided that the 4 hours of overtime really weren't worth it. 4 hours isn't really going to get my anywhere, especially because EC is done on Friday and I have a sneaking suspicion our overtime is also done when she leaves. Instead, I'll go in an hour before I'm supposed to, just so I can go in at 10 tomorrow morning rather than 9. A good plan I think. When I called this morning to ask Bill to remind EC I would be working Wil's shift, well, let's just say I was pretty much still asleep. Poor Bill, having to deal with my nonsensical-sleepiness.

Sound Advice

So, maybe I'm still a little pissed off...

I have literally vented and ranted and raved about my shitty weekend to almost everyone I know at this point. And I've decided something: I'm not going to say anything about it to the people who pissed me off the most. If they mention the night, I will say "I'm glad you enjoyed yourself. It was a terrible night for me." and if they ask why (because social graces state they must) I will tell them it's really none of their business. Because, really, the mistake was mine for taking it upon myself to look after what's-her-name, and for thinking other people were capable of being anything but drunk and useless (Curtis and Kelly not included, quite obviously). I take the blame for this upon myself, and I've learned my lesson. Now, since I don't think I can stop myself from feeling obligated to babysit when people around me are incapacitated, I will simply not go out anymore. Done. I will not waste valuable money like that anymore.

Gym + Cheesecake = Happy Jessica

Heather and I finally took advantage of our free Y passes tonight, and it was great! I've never actually enjoyed going to the gym, but it was a lot of fun. I think because Heather and I just talked and did a bunch of cardio. Pretty softcore, but the important thing is really that we're doing something, and besides, it would be a really bad idea to start off by being really hardcore. Afterwards, we enjoyed the steamroom. Yay steamrooms! And Yay getting in shape! I'm gonna be a hot mama sooner than I'll know how to deal with! Hahaha, ok, that is, as long as we actually keep up on it. I fully intend to.
Besides, now I don't feel so bad about that massive ammount of cheesecake I ate today. One cancels the other out.

probably one of the worst nights I've had

It all started off fine and dandy. We went to the Rodeo at CN Centre. Docc, Colin, Whitey, Simone and some girl...we'll call her T for the sake of anonymity. Carol and Gerald showed up with Carol's sister, Barb and her husband, Don. There was some drinking and I had a nice buzz going. After the rodeo, we went to the dance at the Roll'O Dome where more drinking ensued. Docc was very drunk after not a lot of time and we enjoyed the live music of Ken McCoy. Many others showed up to the dance, including Gail, and Pope and Kelly. Well, Docc and T started dancing very close and making out and all that lovely stuff that I don't care if it happens, but I also don't care to watch. Anyway, I'm at one of the tables talking to Pope, when all of a sudden, T falls over one of the chairs. Some guy helps her up and sits her down on the chair next to me. She is so unbelievably durnk that she can't even keep her head up. I send Docc (also completely shitfaced) to get some water for her. She says to me that she needs to use the bathroom, so I support her while we wait in line for the bathroom. She can hardly stand up at this point. She goes into the stall and sits down and all of a sudden we can see her head hanging down by her feet and she's completely passed out. I tell the other ladies in the bathroom that I'm not abandoning her, I'm going to get water. I go back to the dancefloor and see Docc who gets excited when he sees me. I yell at him asking if he got the water and he grabs my arm to get me to go dance with him. I yell at him again and he keeps pulling me to the dance floor, so I smacked him on the arm and asked him once more if he got water. He keeps trying to pull me, so I swore at him and went back to the bathroom. The women in the washroom are telling me that this chick is totally passed out and I need to get her out of here and take care of her. At this point, I've had it. I look at them and tell them that I don't even know her. I just met her tonight and don't know her at all. I'm doing my best. So we're trying to get her out of the bathroom, and she stands up and opens the stall door and starts to leave, with her pants down around her ankle. I tell her she needs to pull her pants up before she leaves and it takes her a few tries, but she does get them on. I get her out of the bathroom and sit her down on the stairs. Docc comes up to me grinning like the fuckwit he is (note: I like Docc, but he is NOT my favorite person right now). I tell him she's fucked and needs water, so he hands me a mittfull of change. I get up and have to grab his face for him to make eye contact with me while I tell him to wait right here and make sure she doesn't go anywhere (not that I thought it likely). I got some water and got her to start sipping it. Then I went off in search of people who might be able to donate a little money towards paying for a cab home for her. When I came back to the stairs, (after finding NO ONE), Docc and T are making out again...kind of. It was pretty gross. Anyway, Docc says that he's leaving and he doesn't have his keys. I went off and got her purse and his coat, and they stumbled off. He tried to give me a hug before leaving, but by that point I was fed up.
So. Moving on. I went back to the dance (buzz effectively killed), and Pope was playing drums with Ken McCoy. Pretty cool, so I took a bunch of pictures and when he was done, we went and sat down. I hadn't seen Carol in a while and so I asked Pope if she had left or something and he and Kelly both said yeah, they had, and then they asked why I was swearing. I told them: My coat is in her truck, along with my keys in the pocket. Fuck. At this point, Whitey, who is very drunk, asks why I need my keys "I thought you were just going to sleep over at my place?" in his little Whitey way...and I flipped and told him to fuck off, this isn't the time. He tried to make light and so I kept swearing at him. He tried to rub my shoulders while he was saying it was a joke, but I shrugged him away and swore at him again. So, thank god for Pope who ended up driving me to Carol's house, slightly out of town, and when we find her truck isn't there, we went back into town to the Cadillac, where she also was not present. And finally, I called my cell phone again and again and again until someone answered. It was Carol's sister Barb, who decided to tell me that they had gone to Jasper. Didn't make any sense to me because it wasn';t actually possible for them to drive that far in that ammount of time, but they wanted to play with me. And believe me, I was in no mood for playing. Finally, they met Pope, Kelly and me at the station and gave me my coat, keys and cell phone. Then Pope drove me home.
The whole reason I missed Carol leaving is because I was babysitting T.
Fuck. I'm tired and I've had enough. This is why I don't go out.

up in the air: a dilema

I don't really know what to do at this point. I'm getting fed up with where I am right now, and, knowing the way I work, that means an irrational decision is just around the bend. Speaking rationally, though, this much I know:

*work is getting me down in the catagories of: 1. pay (lack there of, and zero probability of a substantial raise), 2. co-workers (many are just starting to get on my nerves, which I realise is probably just a by-product of general displeasure), 3. absolutely no organization, 4. lack of guidance, and 5. pay (see above)
*I want to be with Brad and "settle down" (dirty words, I know, but I want to get some sort of stability in my life, get a homebase if nothing else)
*I want to be able to start to save some money and enjoy life rather than buy discount q-tips and shampoo just to make it to the next paycheck.

Ok. Now that I know what I want...well, that's about all I've got. I don't know what to do from here.
The thought of living in Swift Current is appealing to me; Brad already has friends there and family, etc, and I really like the town itself. The downside? Well, if I stay in radio, I'd be working for Golden West again...and the thought makes me shudder. I try to tell myself the experience I had in Rosetown was simply because of that station, and it isn't a company wide thing, but then again, I don't know. I've become fairly snobbish here, and I don't really want to work for a shitty station, and from what I've heard from the Eagle, their product isn't very good, and sometimes it's just downright bad. Besides, all of this is riding on the assumption they would hire me...and who knows if there's even a position available? Plus, I have the "not from Saskatchewan" thing going against me, and from the sounds of it, they seem to hold onto the policy of "only saskatchewanians" like Rosetown did. Definately a point against me (and against them for that matter...what kind of company sacrifices quality for location?)

So, beyond Swift, I could go to Medicine Hat. The thought is appealing and scarey all at once. I don't really feel like I would be getting ahead by going there. The cost of living is the same or more than it is here, and while alberta is booming, I've been told the station there doesn't pay well at all. Daunting. Brad is also nervous about it.

Basically, I'm choosing between life and career again. In Swift we could set up a homebase, so to speak, and Brad was talking about the possibility of buying a house there. The cost of living is much lower (we're talking one bedroom apartments for under $400!). I like it there and I have friends there...actual friends that I miss! It definately has it's appeal. And I guess there's always the possibility of getting into communications somehow or other. That's something I would like to do. I don't know. Everything is just so stinkin up in the air and confusing. I don't know what to do.

Suggestions are welcome...but please not the "follow your heart" variety. I want cold, hard, harsh criticisms.

Pay Day Blues

I got paid today. Normally it's a fun happy day for at least a couple of hours until I've paid off my bills, etc and realize I no longer have any money, but when I checked my balance and found it was 50 dollars less than normal, well, let's just say it wasn't a happy fun day. I checked my pay stubs and found I am now paying an additional 50 dollars a month in deductions; life insurance, and long and short term disability. I am on a strick budget to begin with, and was just barely getting by...and now...well...fuck. I know, 50 bucks doesn't sound like a whole lot, but when you make as little as I do, it's detrimental. I don't know what I'm going to do, other than get a second job....and there goes my small semblance of a social life. I'm super depressed.

STAY HOME!!!

This is a personal beef of mine. If you are sick, STAY HOME. DO NOT go to work. I don't care that you feel like you're letting your company down, I don't care if you think you're leaving the office understaffed. STAY HOME. Can I emphasize this once more? STAY HOME with your gross snot and hacking cough. Chances are, if you're sick, you won't be of much use anyway, and you're just going to make yourself sicker, or at the least, slow down the healing process. . And, this is the most important part, you will get ME sick. I don't want your germs. STAY HOME.

Jess Hearts Brad

We had one of those conversations on the phone tonight that really just confirms everything for me: we're on the same wavelength, and we both want the same things. I love him so much, and he makes me so happy. It just makes me feel so much closer to him. It amazes me the way there aren't any games between us...we say what we mean and keep the guesswork out of it. There are no misapprehensions that way. I respect him and trust him, and I love him.

I Like Booze!

What's a trip home without a night spent at the local bar getting trashed? Not a trip home if you ask me! Well, that's a flat out lie actually, I love going home, drunken nights notwithstanding...but this time I did go out, and drink, I did. It was not intended (then again, it rarely is for me). Denise, Christine and I went to the Lodge for drinks (drinks for them as I was driving and therefore could not partake). Denise called her friend Randy who came as well and when we finished at the Lodge (where they had begun doing karaoke...*shudder*) and piled into my car to go to the Twin. Once there, I put the club on my car (much to the amusement of Denise and Christine, since, let's face it, car theft is not a big problem in Smithers) and prepared myself to leave it behind for the night. I said hi to everyone I used to work with. I love seeing Stacy, Tony and Mike. Jason was there who I haven't seen since I worked there...he had gone away for a while I think maybe...and, of course, Dominic (who came later). Then I started drinking the Vodka. And I drank a lot of it. About 6 drinks in an hour and a half...if that gives you an idea of my state. We hung out afterward the bar closed and everyone had cleared out. Hung around just like old times. God I miss that place. When I was working there and at Omineca, hell, I don't think I'll ever enjoy working anywhere as much as I did there. Not really sure why I quit, to be honest! ha! Oh well. I loved it. And I had a great time on Saturday night. Tony drove us home afterwards (bless his heart) and I stumbled into bed. I remember laying there and thinking "I don't feel to bad, I don't think i'll have a hangover tomorrow." Right. ha! I slept until noon because when I woke up at 9:30 I had the spins. Yeah. Well done Jessica. Killed a lot of brain cells that night, but whooo! it was fun!

thank god for camera phones

Everyone Must See the Trailer Park Boys Movie

This is possibly the best movie in creation. "The Ten Commandments" have nothing on this, "Lawrence of Arabia" back off, Ricky, Julien and Bubbles have come to town, and the town is welcoming them with open arms!
G-Lo and I went to the late show tonight. We were there for about a half hour before the show started and for the entire 30 minutes, all there was for entertainment was a gigantic "Johnny's Pizza" add on the screen. That's it. No music, no fancy commercials, just "Johnny's Pizza" with their weekly specials (3 for 1 pizza on monday, 1/2 price wings on wednesday, and a free 2L bottle of pop on thursday...and apparently they have debit at the door...who says advertising doesn't work?).
Then it started. The movie was excellent. I give it eleven Totally Rads out of five. Oh...and some people apparently hae too much time on their hands...

el shit-o is hitting el fan-o

Well, it's official, the news director has given her notice. As of October 21st, Eryn Collins will no longer be a part of CI. She's moving into communications. So, in the span of two weeks, our newsroom has gone from 5 employees to 3. To quote said news director: "where are we going? and why am I in this handbasket?"

back to the grind..

It's tuesday...and I'm already drained beyond all reason. I guess that's always the way it goes when you have a holiday.
It was an incredible week, and I felt my heart break just a little when I had to leave on Sunday. But we're going to be together again soon...at least in november for our two year anniversary, if not sooner.
This morning I got a call from the news director in Medicine Hat who said my former PD had contacted him to tell him what a great newsie I am (wonder what I owe her for spreading those beautiful lies?). He asked me to send him my resume and air-check...so I've spent the night essentially re-doing my resume. Whooo... It's one of those things that, after a while of working on it, everything starts to blur together. But I think I managed something accurate, correct, organized, and well presented.
I'm going to go to bed very soon...but, first, I want to post this:
I miss my Brad.

one more sleep...

if I can actually get to sleep that is. Tomorrow morning, at 8 I will get up and shower and finish my packing. I will have my coffee and call my mum and then Heather will come and get me at 10 and I will be off to the airport to fly to Saskatchewan to see Brad. I can't wait to see him. I can't believe it's only one more sleep. We've been counting since the 30s...and to be down to one. I didn't believe it for most of the day and then around 8, while at the Cougars game tonight it hit me, and I suddenly have the Christmas morning feeling. I need to sleep, but my mind is busy. I feel like if I tried to go to bed right now it would just be useless...on the flip side, I'm tired enough right now.
Arrrrrgh! I wish it were tomorrow. I have a lot of travelling, but at least when I'm travelling I feel like I'm getting closer to arrival...even if the particular part of travel involves a (very) long layover in any number of cities.
Must go to bed...must make it NO more sleeps!

one-sided friendships

I'm having one of those days where I feel in a funk, I feel depressed and very low. But does anybody bother to ask me how my life is going? Hell no. Nothing beyond the "how's it going?" in passing, which is always answered with a "alright, and you?" no matter how I'm feeling. It would be clear to those who cared to look that I am not, in fact, alright. But no one cares to look. This is not a big deal as far as most of the people at work goes, because there are not many I would feel right dumping my problems on anyway. But there are some that I have given my ear to, that I have spent hours listening to the problems of, and that I have put a lot of effort into trying to help...and they are so wrapped up in their own lives that they don't notice. And that's just fine. It just puts things in perspective. I miss my real friends, who would actually bother to notice that things are off with me today.

Memories

Maureen came to visit me on sunday when I got back from Smithers. It's very strange to think that we've known each other for 12 years now. Half of my life. Sunday night we drank a bottle of wine, got very silly and reminisced. We talked until 1:30 about boys, relationships, and memories from our trip to England in 2002 (was it really 4 years ago?!). I found it funny how we can have such different memories of things when we were both in the exact same place at the exact same time. We both had to jog the other's memory for several incidents. Looking back, it's really no wonder my mum was terrified for us going to the UK. We were 19 afterall, and so completely naive. But what an incredible trip...I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

Before Sunset

I watched Before Sunset tonight, and it has occured to me, I relate more to the characters as 32 year olds than I do when they were supposed to be 23. Is that obsurd? I remember how captivated I was by the romanticism and naivity of Before Sunrise, and now, in this sequel, nine years later, the reflective nature seems more fitting to me. I'm not jaded, but it intrigues me that I would relate better to thirty-somethings than to those closer to my own age. The only conclusions I can draw are that a. they wrote the characters unrealistically (definately a possibility) and targetted them more towards my age group, or b. I'm ridiculously mature for my age. Ha! But, the movie was good. Many would argue, and many would be horribly disappointed and likely be fairly to extremely bored, but I like it. The first movies became my quiet, reflective mood movie, and the second, well...it was a good movie.

single digit countdown

we're into the single digits of the countdown now...and frankly I can't wait. And not just because I can't wait to see Brad, but I can't wait for a break from here. This is getting ridiculous. The newsroom is damn-near intollerable some days. I don't mind working hard, in fact, I like it; I like deadlines, I like being pushed, and I like being busy, but when those things are overshaddowed by a huge ball of stress, it's like a big negative cloud over the newsroom. I don't work well in such extremely negative conditions. But, not only do I get to get away for a week, three days of that are days in lieu, so I don't have to use holidays for those, and furthermore, I get to see my Brad again. God I can't wait...

A ponderism

I stood in my livingroom and spun around and around, letting my arms float up like they were weightless. When I stopped I felt dizzy and realized that's pretty much exactly what it feels like when I'm drunk, and I mean really drunk; drunk to the point where if I don't drink lots and lots of water I'm going to have a mean hang over the next day. Maybe if I only spun around 4 times instead of 6 I would just get a buzz...that sure would save money...
Anyway, the bottom line is I understand why little kids love spinning so much, but at the same time, wonder why I never felt sick after spinning when I was little?
I bet you're wondering why I was spinning in the first place...well, why the hell not?

So young

I was so young! Looking back through photos of my friends and I when we graduated in 2000...and I can't believe how little I look. I was such a little kid then...no wonder my parents were terrified I would do something stupid, I thought I was a grown up, but I was just a kid. 17 is not an adult by any means. And it so strange to think about my mentality then...the weird mindset, thinking was all grown up because I was "ready" to move off to school and get on with my adult life. I was so little...so young.

"All women should" and I still haven't...

What Every Woman Should Have:
*One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to (even if you wouldn't) and one who reminds you of how far you've come.
*Enough money within your control to move out and rent a place on your own, even if you never want or need to.
*Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
*A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you're not ashamed to be seen carrying.
*A youth you're content to move beyond.
*A past juicy enough that you're looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
*A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.
*One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
*A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
*Eight matching plates, wineglasses with stems and a recipe for a meal that will make your guests feel honored.
*A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.
*A feeling of control over your destiny.
*A skin care regime, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don't get better after 30.
*A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better.

Every Woman Should Know:
*How to fall in love without losing yourself.
*How you feel about having kids.
*How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
*When to try harder and when to walk away.
*How to kiss a man in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn't like to happen next.
*How to have a good time at a party you'd never choose to attend.
*How to ask for what you want in a way that makes it most likely you'll get it.
*That you can't change the length of your calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your parents.
*That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.
*What you would and wouldn't do for love or money.
*How to live alone, even if you don't like it.
*Who you can trust, who you can't, and why you shouldn't take it personally.
*Where to go - be it your best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn hidden in the woods - when your soul needs soothing.
*What you can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, and a year.
*Why they say life begins at 30.

I'm feeling a little torn between being lonely and enjoying the feeling of independance. My apartment is quiet and I like the feeling that everything here is mine. Living on my own was something I never thought I would actually do. It comes from believing the position I'm in in a relationship would simply continue to escalate, and negate the need to ever live solo. It sort of seems everything I promise myself I will never do turns out to happen.
For example:
- "I will never live in Res" - Whoops, two years running and happened to meet a terrific guy there.
- "I will never take the bus from BC to Saskatchewan ever again" - whoops, twice at Christmas
- "I will never give (insert name of guy here) another chance" - whoops... it applies to more guys than I could name anyway, and to all levels of relationship from the crush stage to the actual dating stage.
- "I will never speak to her again" - ok, so that's from when I was little kid and I got into a fight with my friends because they wouldn't let me play with their cabbage patch kid or something.
- "I will never live beyond my means again" - yeah, well, apparently I didn't learn that lesson the first time around.
- "I will never let myself be treated like a doormat by a guy again" - yeah, well, let's just say the "anti-doormat" clause is a recent addition to my life, and when I said it last time, I may as well have gotten "WELCOME" tattooed on my forehead.

Well, I think you get the idea. It never works out the way I say it will when I say "I will never..." or "I refuse..." So I try not to say that anymore, because usually it's something I feel rather strongly about and then feel very sheepish when I actually do end up doing what I said I would never do.
I don't really know where I'm going with this...just sort of a contemlative babble I suppose.

In other news: I love this site: http://www.menarebetterthanwomen.com/ clearly written by a chick. love it.

Growing up

I knew it would happen, or rather, I had been told it would happen, but when it actually does...well, it's surreal. From the time the first person in my class got engaged I was told it was not the end and all of a sudden everyone would be getting married.
the weird part of me is thinking about these people how I knew them in highschool. These people who went out all the time and got drunk and screwed around all the time. I know that was highschool, and it's definately not fair to hold things from those four years against anyone...afterall it was 6 year ago (holy crap!), but it's so strange to think of these kids getting hitched and being adults...even the ones I knew after highschool I still think of silly little first year university students...the fact many of them are done university too and trying to get real jobs blows my mind too. It's much the same as looking at someone you used to babysit and seeing them at graduation, or (even worse) at the bar! How did they grow up? And when did that happen? Weird

Music Memories

"Palm of your Hand" by Cake will always bring back memories of October 2004, riding the ferry back from the island with Britt, sitting on the deck, contemplating life and having trouble breathing from the wind.

And what, exactly, was I thinking?

I've been re-reading my old journals lately, and come to realize just how messed up my previous relationships have been. Whenever I look back, I try to do so with happy (yet distant) memories. But reading my journals makes me think, perhaps looking back with that sort of disposition is not entirely accurate. I am well aware that a good portion of the shittiness was likely caused by me and my idiosyncracies...but really! There was a lot of shit, and a lot of crying. I don't understand why I thought that was normal? Where did I get the impression crying myself to sleep in frustration and general misery was the sign of a good relationship? I guess i was young, and that's a large part of it, but honestly. In the end, it just really brings my current relationship into sharp focus. Brad treats me like a queen, and I appreciate that to begin with, but remembering how bad things had been really puts it into perspective. That's not to say there weren't good times before too, and I never wrote about those because I was too busy enjoying them.I just wonder sometimes what I was thinking.

drifting

I don't know how many times I've talked about how friendships change and people change and you only have so much time in the day and have to decide how to spend it and divide it among people. How that inevitably leaves people on the list that just don't get any time devoted to them...which is just the way the cookie crumbles really. How those friends get demoted to "aquaintances". That's always been my philosphy, and it always seemed to me to be the way the world works. Maybe it's just a way to cope, a defence mechanism so that when I slight someone (or get slighted) I can just say "well, that's the way the world works". I wonder if things aren't so cut and dried and maybe there's some grey area...then again...maybe not. Maybe it is that cut and dried.
I often surprise myself at how harsh I can be with friends. I'm more than willing to put in the time and energy with someone, but if that energy is not given back equally then it's a sort of three strikes rule. It's a harsh thing to do, but then again, why would I keep putting my time and energy into something that's just wasting my time and energy? That's not to say that if the lines of communication were ever brought up again I would sit there and say "screw you, you didn't have time for me six months ago, so I don't have time for you now"...I will respond and see how things go from there...but I won't be surprised if the connection fails again, and I certainly won't allow myself to feel hurt if it does.
It's one of those things that happens when people get older and start to have their own lives, and I would never begrudge someone that. It's just the way things go...but before you know it...well, who's left?

--------------------------
On a completely unrelated note, I've been asked at least 8 times in the past month if I'm engaged yet. This is getting ridiculous. I'm not, and I promise, if I were, you would know. Thank you.

Drinking gives me courage!

Ok, so, contrary to popular belief, going out and getting pissed is not going to become a habit for me. It was just a coincidence that the first two weekends I had off ended up to be big party weekends, and, what with not having to work the next day, I decided to be a little silly. Last night was a little less than planned though. Oh well. Carol and I talked for a couple hours dowing glass after glass of champagne...and two bottles later, well, yeah. Let's just say it's a good thing everyone else was pissed too, because otherwise I may have made a big fool of myself. But the good thing that came from last night is the new found feeling of "I'm going to do this and damn to anyone who says no." I think it's about time I got ballsy.

Thank you for 'Tim'

A brief note:
I finally got around to watching "Tim" tonight, a 1979 movie starring Mel Gibson.
Women everywhere must see this movie...not for plot, not for character development, not for phenomenal acting...no, women must see this movie to see Mel at the tender age of 23 wearing short-shorts and a muscle shirt, or (oh dear god, it's true) a speedo.
So, thank you Director Michael Pate for the gift of a 23 year old Mel Gibson leaping and running along the white sandy beaches of Australia, caught on tape for the world to cherish forever.

Kim Mitchell wears shiny shorts, and Jessica hearts beer!

Kim Mitchell wore black shorts with shiny silver stars on them. The crowd was mostly 40+ year olds who used to groove to the music back when it was new. You should have seen the audience go crazy when they started playing "Patio Lanterns"!



In recap of the night:
*I had lots of beer.
*Heather, darling that she is, was the DD...
*Erica came up from Quesnel for a last "Hurrah" before heading to Peace River. *No one had to pay to see the show. *Colin put on a hell of a show. *and I don't think we stopped dancing from the start of the show to the end. Though, in all honesty, I don't think I could have stopped...I get that way when I drink...I feel the Rhythm Divine...until I crash that is ...which apparently I did at CWP's house (and oh what a flattering picture that is...). A good night though, and, lo and behold, this morning I woke without a hangover! Yahoo!

a mid morning reflection

change doesn't have to be scarey. the scarey thing about change is the unknown part of it, and the way it comes regardless of whether you're ready for it or not. very few people like change, but on the other side of the coin, those who have no change in their lives become bored and restless. staying in the same job for 30 years, the same tasks day in and day out, nothing different, well, it's dull and if you were faced with that prospect for the rest of your life, it would be more awful than waking up and wondering if the rug was going to be pulled out from underfoot. so change doesn't have to be scarey, being stagnant is the scarey bit.

what was the point of this?

I was going to post, but then as I was writing, it was turning into more of a rant than anything that anyone would like to read...that includes myself. I've already bitched to everyone that would listen and I don't feel much better, so I guess it's all to do with being tired. Finally getting around to importing a bunch of music into my iPod, which is good to do. Hmmm, again, sliding into a terribly boring and pointless post...I should really just delete it all and forget the idea of posting anything at all, but for some reason I'm compelled to continue.
Right now I:
love: Jack Johnson on the Curious George soundtrack, "Lady in the Water"
hate: working 15 days straight without a day off, and having to go to council tomorrow night
am feeling: tired and a little cranky
again...what was the point of this?

not so alone it would seem

I love having guests, and I love seeing my friends, and I love being social...but it's time for a pause I think. I've lived in my apartment for just shy of a month, and since I moved in, I haven't been on my own here for more than a couple of days. When I moved in, Brad came to visit, which was absolutely wonderful and I wouldn't trade for the world. He left on Sunday and was followed by my friend (another) Brad and his girlfriend stopping by and crashing on my floor for the night en route to Kamloops. Monday through to Friday I was on my own, so I guess that's 4 nights alone, then Mare and Anna came on Friday afternoon. They stayed until Sunday afternoon. I was on my own for 3 nights from Sunday to Wednesday when I went back to Smithers for my "weekend". Thursday and Friday were at home by myself and then Saturday Maureen and Matt came to visit. They stayed until Tuesday night. Now I've had 3 nights alone. So, in roughly a month, I've only been alone in my apartment for 10 nights. That seems a little ridiculous to me...and may account for why I'm so exhausted all the time. Being a really bad hostess is hard work!
(PS, most boring blog entry ever)

appearances

I have often wondered about people and society while sitting in court.
The way people dress creates a stereotype...or does the stereotype dictate the way someone dresses? For example, what makes someone who is trailer-trashy dress in tights and a ripped mini-skirt with hooker boots, an over-the-top low-cut shirt that shows way too much cleavage to be appropriate and messy bleached and teased hair? Is it because something in their history told them that was a "sexy" look? I can only assume most of these people have access to a television, and if not, they must leave the house and see other people dressed well, or at the very least, appropriately and tastefully. So, why the trailer-trash outfit? What made them think it was a "good look"?
I have also wondered, looking at people who have obviously had a hard go with life, whether those people look as rough as they do because of their lives, or because of a stigma? For example, when a person is known as a cocaine addict, do they look as rough as they do because they really are, or is it because I know they have drug problems and likely live a dilapidated lifestyle? Would they still look as harsh if they were clean cut and dressed in a suit, for example? The facial features would still be the same.
Which came first, the assumption someone lives a broken life, or the appearance they do?

My day off (singular)

I had a really good day off. Very relaxing and long enough to feel like two, which was really good considering I really only had one day off this week (I worked a bunch of overtime yesterday...hooray for banking hours!).
It started with a big struggle to get out of bed, but I won over the pull of my comfy bed and go up and ready in the timeline I had allowed myself. I took my car in nice and early to Tony the mechanic (who should just love me for the ammount of money I've given him for repairs to my wheels. Right on schedule, I was nice and early at the bus stop waiting for the bus to take me back to my apartment.
While I was at home I made a call to Kris in FSJ who had told me about the job and thanked him but explained that I feel like I'm in a good place right now and want to stick it out for a little while longer and see what happens here. He said he totally understood and was in a similar situation, so no worries. I thanked him again for the heads up.
After less than an hour at home Tony called me with the good news: the power steering was only leaking because the hose wasn't tightenned completely, which meant I only had to pay for the time they spent working on it and making sure it was going to be ok. So I went to the bus stop again and was early for the bus back to the shop.
After picking up my car I did some errands which included returning a movie to the video store. I dropped it off and was walking around the counter when I guy standing there said "Excuse me" I turned around and he said "You are disgustingly beautiful" I gave him a strange look and said "uhhh, thank you" and left. What a weird way to compliment someone..."disgusting" isn't usually followed by "beautiful", but oh well, some people are just odd...I took it at face value and went on with my errands.
Afterwards, Docc and I went for lunch at Kelly O's where he picked up the tap since he works there and gets a discount. Then we went to Fort George Park and walked around and talked. It was a really good way to spend the day, then I dropped him off at the station and came back to my apartment once again.
I watched TV and vegged..."the bounty" was on (oh, Mel), and then I talked briefly with Brad before his phone died. I did some dishes and general tidying of my place in preparation for Mare and Anna's arrival tomorrow, and now I'm ready for bed and it's only 11. A good, full day...and it's back to work tomorrow and then a weekend of hanging out with Mare and Anna including a concert, some dancing and generally good times all around. Looking forward to the weekend, and feeling settled and content in general.

a dilema

A dilema indeed...I've been told of an on-air morning co-host/news/beat reporting job in FSJ. If I want to go back into on-air that's the way for me to go, but I feel like I've already settled myself into putting my efforts into news and following that path. I feel like I should stick with what I'm doing, because, well, the other job doesn't feel quite right to me...though I don't know why. I'm big on following my gut, but I also like to know why I feel a certain way about something before I go ahead and follow my instincts. Is it just that I feel comfortable with what I'm doing, or is it that this is actually the best thing for me to do? I don't want to do anything because of complacency...but...

life or something like it

it's one of those identity crisis moments for me, though maybe 'crisis' is the wrong word to use. I don't feel lost or lacking in identity, more just a wonderment at how I got here. I have vivid and vague memories of growing up and playing and going to school and the things I was interested in when I was young, and I can remember being in high school having no idea what was next for me, but being hell-bent on acting. Then school finished and the path my life was on changed. I got a boyfriend, I moved into my first place and I worked a retail job, and somewhere along the lines my goals changed and I fell into a sort of limbo. Things changed, as they always do, and I found a new goal for myself. That goal led me to BCIT and radio school where I found the dream of being on air. After the two year program I moved to Saskatchewan to be with Brad and couldn't get a job on-air so I began to do news. Following my hopes of going back into on-air I moved to PG for a different and better news job. Now that two on-air opportunities have fallen through, it seems news has become my career. It's a good thing. It's always a little sad to see a dream fade away, but it's also been replaced with something that holds promise for me. I know the steps of how I got here, but I can't for the life of me figure out how I got here mentally. I think a lot of it came to me this afternoon when I was reading the 3p cast for Prince George and heard the intro say "here's Jessica Williams". I know who I am, but when I hear my name it always makes me think "is that me?" People say I look like a Jessica, but what does that mean? That the seven letters suit my appearance? Would I have done the same thing with my life if my parents had given me a different name when I was born? Would I still be Jessica Williams with another name?
I've gone from a place in life where the thought of being as grown up as the 7th grade kids was a foreign idea, to the brink of graduation and being set free from high school with nothing more than a stubborn determination to be an actress, to feeling lost and pathless, to blindly following a whim and going to school, to having something I enjoy doing and wondering where I'm going and how to navigate a path in life when I don't know where the path leads. And I can't help but feel like I haven't really learned anything from life, except that it keeps going and you just have to deal with each day.

bloody car

my friggin car is busted again. yup...again. this time there's some sort of leak in the power steering. god only knows. jus when I start to get a handle on my money and feel like I can crawl out of this hole, my car goes to pot again...god willing it will only cost around a hundred to get fixed. pretty sure my mechanic's bank account loves me though.

tools of the trade

a can-openner is a very useful tool...when you have one. I, for one, do not. Thus began my problem when I realized the cheap coffee I bought today from Wal-mart did not infact have one of those nifty handy pull off tops. No, it was a fully seeled can. The thought of having no coffee in the morning moved me to search the kitchen for something sharp to be used in lieu. For future reference: cork screws do not effectively open a can, neither does bringing a knife down on the top with any reasonable ammount of force...or rather, not if you still want to have use of the knife ever again, which I did, it being my only knife. Then, it dawned upon me: a hammer would exert an appropriate ammount of force...and a screwdriver would certainly not bend under the forceful blows. So I began to hammer away at the top of my coffee can, creating a 2 inch perforation along one edge, and puncturing out the remaining bits in between. Realizing how long it would take me to fully remove the top in this manner, I began to see alternative methods again...when it occured to me: coffee is ground very small, small enough in fact, to be poured out through a two by 1/8 inch slot. necessity truly is the mother of invention, and who ever said a woman can't use tools? Bah!

a wonderful week together

the wonderful week has come to an end. Brad left this morning back to Rosetown. I hate the goodbye. A long hug and then we part...but as awful as the parting always is, the time spent together is worth it.
he arrived on friday the 14th and we spent the evening sitting and smiling stupidly at each other, just happy to be together again. saturday I had to work, but we went shopping after and went to dinner and a movie that night. sunday after work we left for Smithers and spent the night there. monday morning we left for terrace and went camping at lakelse lake. the weather wasn't wonderful; cool and cloudy, but at least it didn't rain. we had the staple camping food of hotdogs and burgers and marshmallows (I heart marshmallows!) and finally got to use all of the camping gear Brad bought in june that didn't get used when I went to visit him because of the poor weather and rain. tuesday was my birthday and we had camping egg mcmuffins (which were amazing), and spent the day relaxing and just enjoying the feeling of having nothing to do. wednesday we packed up and headed back to Smithers. that night we saw Pirates of the Caribbean for the second time (the first, in PG, was a bit of a bust since the only seats left in the theatre were in the second row and we could hardly see the whole screen). thursday was spent sleeping in and going to lunch, then packing up the car and heading back to PG. friday I had to work again, but after work Brad made supper...fillet mignon on the barbeque with baked potatoes, garlic bread and caesar salad with cheesecake for dessert. we watched a movie and went to bed trying to fight off the sweltering heat that had settled on the apartment during the day. yesterday after work we went for lunch and did a little bit of shopping, but it was too hot to do much at all, so we went back to the apartment and sat there melting. dinner at BP, and back to the apartment, which had, once again, heated up to 30 during the day. Brad had a stroke of genius during the evening and we put the fan out on the deck to push the cool air into the livingroom. the bedroom remained so bloody hot though, so we picked up the mattress off of my bed and put it on the floor in the living room, leaving the screen door open with the fan on the porch and slept there. it actually got cool enough to need a blanket...marvelous! this morning we went to tim hortons for coffee and then Brad followed me to work and said goodbye. I miss him already.

quizzie thing

SECTION 1 - YOU
+ Known as: Jess, J-Will, J-dubb, J, saucy wench, Bubs
+ Born: July 18th
+ Haircolor: some sort of mess of brown and golden brown
+ Eyecolor: Blue when I'm happy, Green when I'm pissed off or sad

SECTION 2 - HAVE YOU EVER...
+ Fallen off the bed?: I have a small scar on my chin to prove it
+ Broken someone else's heart?: yeah, what can I say, I'm a heartbreaker
+ Had your heart broken?: yeah...apparently also a heartbreakee
+ Had a dream come true?: sure have

SECTION 3 - CURRENTLY...
+ Wearing: board shorts and a t-shirt with skull and crossbones that says "Saucy Wench"
+ Listening to: 94X
+ Located: newsroom at work
+ Chatting with: no one..so lonely
+ Watching: crazy people and bums going past the station (working in the ghetto!)
+ Should REALLY be: writing a second version of a story for the 8am cast

SECTION 4 - DO YOU...
+ Do you brush your teeth?: frequently...it's what I do when I forget what I was going to do
+ Have any piercings?: several in my ears and one in my nose..and a wee scar from my eyebrow
+ Drive?: a "little mermaid green" cav
+ Drink?: on occassion
+ Have a cell phone?: yes, and I can't live without it

SECTION 5 - THE LAST PERSON YOU...
+ Hugged: Brad
+ IMed: can't remember...been moving, haven't had internet
+ Talked with on the phone: Brad, checking to see if he wanted me to pick up something for supper

SECTION 7 - PERSONAL...
+ What do you want to be when you grow up?: A pony!
+ What comes first in your life?: god only knows
+ Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush?: I have a crush on my boyfriend
+ What are you most scared of?: Bridges.
+ What do you usually think about before you go to bed?: did I set the alarm? oh god WHAT time do I have to get up?
+ Did you lose someone you really loved?: not in the "great beyond" sense, but yes+ How many times have you FALLEN in love: whooo...umm...I guess three or four?

SECTION 8 - FAVORITE...
+ Movie: Little Mermaid, Maverick, Pirates of the Caribbean : the Curse of the Black Pearl, Princess Bride, Orgazmo, to name a few
+ Band: Matchbox 20, Jack Johnson (though he's not a band)
+ Store: Wal-Mart...the source of all evil and human suffering, but SUCH good bargains!
+ Cousin: Clint
+ Sport: to watch: olympic diving, though I like watching the riders, and I like watching soccer too
+ Food: perogies. period. stop, full stop.
+ Candy: chocolate
+ Day of the week: thursday
+ color: green, yellow, red.

SECTION 9 - DO YOU...
+ Like to give hugs?: yes, but not with those creepy people that only want to hug you as an excuse for touching
+ Like to walk in the rain?: sure do
+ Prefer black or blue?: neither really
+ Sleep on your side, stomach or back?: back
+ Have a goldfish?: they have all perished.
+ Ever have the falling dream?: frequently
+ Have stuffed animals?: cuddles and commander bun-bun.

SECTION 11 - THIS OR THAT...
+ Pierced nose or tongue?: nose
+ MTV or BET?: but the view isn't on either of those stations! (kidding, kidding, I DON'T watch the View!), and I don't watch either.
+ 7th heaven or dawsons creek?: I guess Dawsons Creek cause I USED to watch it...USED to.
+ Chocolate or flowers?: Flowers
+ Color or Black-and-white photos?: generally I like color
+ Stay up late or sleep in?: one followed by the other
+ Hot or cold?: hot
+ Sun or moon?: sun
+ Left or Right?: left
+ 10 Acquaintances or one best friend?: one best friend
+ Mustard or ketchup?: ketchup in moderation.
+ Spring or Fall?: Spring+ Happy or sad: happy happy happy!
+ Wonder or amazement?: amazement
+ McDonald's or Burger King?: mmmm, BK chicken sandwich...yum...drooling..
+ Mexican or Italian food?: Italian, spicy food gives me gas

FIRSTS
First best friend: Amber...I was really little and she was bossy.
First screen name: JessW13
First self purchased CD: Friends Soundtrack
First pets: Flower the hamsterFirst piercing/tattoo: ears

LASTS
Last car ride: this morning at 5:10 cruising into work late
Last good cry:couple days ago maybe? a while ago...I don't really remember
Last crush: my boyfriend...so far so good.
Last phone call: mum when she called us in Burns Lake where the keys were locked in the car and there are no towing companies or locksmiths in the bloody town
Last time showered: this morning, roughly 4:40am
Last shoes worn: flipflops
Last Song played: .......?....can't remember
Last item bought: lunch at Louise's Kitchen
Last annoyance: my bed constantly breaking
Last website visited: hotmail
Last word/s you said: "what WAS the last item I bought....?"...alright, so I talk to myself, so what?
Last song you sang: "the beer bone" by tracy someoneorother on the Wolf...singing along

What's under your bed?: nothing...too afraid anything under there will be smooshed when my bed finally kicks it.
What time did you wake up today?: 4:30
Current mood: sleepy and a little bored.current food: post-coffee water
Current hair: frizzy mess
Current annoyance(s): not knowing when I'll start working a regular mon-fri shift and get to drop kick the weekend thing.
Current hate: companies putting allergy warnings on products just to save their asses when they could just be more careful.

Appearance
[ ] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[ ] I tan easily.
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color.
[x] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[x] I have a tattoo.
[x] I have/I've had braces.
[x] I wear glasses/contacts
[ ] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have had piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have/had freckles.

Family/Home Life
[ ] I've run away from home
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids.
[ ] I've had children.
[ ] I've lost a child.

School/Work
[ ] I'm in school.
[x] I have a job.
[x] I've fallen asleep at work/school.
[ ] I almost always do my homework.
[x] I've missed a week or more of school.
[x] I've been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years.
[ ] I failed more than 1 class last year.
[ ] I've stolen something from my job
[ ] I've been fired.

Embarrassment
[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I've peed from laughing.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[x] I've glued my hand to something
[ ] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[x] I've had my pants rip/drop in public.

Health
[ ] I was born with a disease/impairment.
[ ] I've gotten stitches.
[ ] I've broken a bone.
[ ] I've had my tonsils removed.
[x] I've sat in a doctors office with a friend.
[x] I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
[ ] I had a serious surgery.
[ ] I've had chicken pox.

Traveling
[x] I've driven over 200 miles in one day.
[x] I've been on a plane.
[x] I've been to Canada.
[ ] I've been to Mexico.
[ ] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] I've been to Japan.
[ ] I've Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[x] I've been to Europe.
[ ] I've been to Africa.

Experiences
[x] I've gotten lost in my city.
[x] I've seen a shooting star.
[x] I've wished on a shooting star.
[x] I've seen a meteor shower.
[x] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[x] I've kicked a guy where it hurts...well it was knee and it was unintentional
[x] I've been to a casino. (I like to gamble! slot machines are fun!)
[ ] I've been skydiving.
[ ] I've gone skinny dipping.
[ ] I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[ ] I've crashed a car.
[x] I've been Skiing
[x] I've been in a play.
[x] I've met someone in person from the internet.
[x] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[x] I've seen the Northern Lights.
[x] I've sat on a roof top at night.
[ ] I've played chicken.
[x] I've played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[x] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[ ] I've eaten Sushi.
[x] I've been snowboarding.

Honesty/Crime
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[ ] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[ ] I've run a red light.
[ ] I've been suspended from school.
[ ] I've been arrested.

Death and Suicide
[x] I'm afraid of dying.
[x] I hate funerals.
[ ] I've seen someone dying.
[ ] Someone close to me has committed suicide.
[ ] I've attempted suicide.
[ ] I've written a eulogy for myself.

Materialism
[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[x] I own iPod or MP3 player
[ ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[ ] I own a real designer purse
[ ] I own an accesory other than a purse from a designer
[x] I own something from Hot Topic.
[ ] I own something from Pac Sun.
[x] I collect comic books.
[x] I own something from The Gap.
[x] I own something I got on e-bay.
[ ] Majority of my closet is abercrombie/hollister

Random
[x] I can sing well. (I think I'm alright.)
[ ] I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[ ] I open up easily to others.
[x] I watch the news.
[ ] I don't kill bugs.
[ ] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
[x] I curse regularly.
[x] I sing in the shower.
[x] I am a morning person (definately becoming one anyway)
[x] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[x] I'm a snob about grammar.
[ ] I am a sports fanatic.
[x] I twirl my hair
[x] I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day
[x] I bake well.
[x] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue
[ ] I would wear pajamas to school.
[ ] I like Martha Stewart. (anyone who checks yes to this box will no longer be called friend by me)
[x] I laugh at my own jokes.
[ ] I eat fast food weekly.
[x] I believe in ghosts.
[ ] I am online 24/7 even with an away message.
[x] I've not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class
[x] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I am really ticklish.
[ ] I love white chocolate
[ ] I bite my nails.
[x] I play video games.
[ ] I'm good at remembering faces.
[ ] I'm good at remembering names
[ ] I'm good at remembering dates.
[x] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
[x] My answers are totally true.

settling and saving

all moved into my place now...it feels good to be set up and feel a little settled. Hopefully the feeling will last a little longer than a day this time.
and I've managed to set up and RRSP with little bittie contributions each month...but apparently by the time I'm 65, it will have added up to over 200-thousand dollars! Woo! Not nearly enough, but god willing I'll manage to make a wee bit more money sometime down to road and be able to put a little more cash into it as the years go by. And I guess if I don't, I'll just live out my retirement in a cardboard box under a bridge somewhere. I wonder what sort of postal code would apply to a box?

tired

I am tired, and sore. Every muscle in my body is achy and protesting the simplest movements. The reasoning is moving. I helped Mare move her stuff to a storage space yesterday. It took us roughly 5 hours and was completely exhausting. The good part is I'm now moved into my own place, well, more or less anyway. I still have to take all my clothes and other things in my room, and then the next step is to clean the apartment so she'll get her damage deposit back.
On the upside, Brad is coming to visit me very very soon. He'll be here sometime on saturday at the latest, and hopefully late friday. It will be so good to see him again; I miss him so much.
I will be very happy once this week is done

And the peace is gone! Whooooosh!

Hard at work, clearly. My mind just won't slow down and it's making it hard for me to feel at peace...oh how short lived that feeling of calmness was! But it was nice, fleeting as it was, and after this weekend, I hope to achieve a level of serenity once again...maybe it will last a little longer than a day this time.
I think I should learn to meditate...then I can be like that guy!

peace through action

Ah the feeling of things falling into place. It's been what seems like a long time with life up in the air waiting for one of many options to fall into place, and things are finally coming together. The apartment will be packed up and mostly cleared on sunday, and I'll be moving into my apartment that day; my apartment decked out with a classy crome and red mylar table from roughly 1950 with red folding chairs, a hand-me-down beige couch, and my "please don't break when I sit on you" bed. It's good to have everything coming to a point where I can do things and make things happen. A good feeling of having power of what comes next once again; something I haven't had for a while, and apparently something that Jessica does not deal well with. Ok, so I always knew I couldn't deal with having no control over things, but it was one of those personality quirks I had hoped would come with age...apparently not. But the feeling of peace that comes from the ability to take action is certainly being well received by my strained psyche.

diamonds

Mum and I spent the evening looking at pretty diamond rings on all sorts of websites. This all spawned from her story about dad wanting to buy her a diamond ring for their 30th anniversary (which made me go "awwwwwwwwwwwww!"), and in trying to describe the ring she really liked to me, we started trying to find examples on the internet. And, after perusing and weighing all of my options, I have come to this conclusion:

I want a ring with:
-a square cut Canadian diamond (they're just prettier and with more life and nicer cut in general)
-clarity rating of of SI (or better)
-color rating of H (or better)
-white gold
-0.5 Karats would be nice (but I would gladly take a smaller size for a better clarity and colour)

How utterly ridiculous is it to think about things like this? There are so many reasons why this is a bad idea to think about. For one, what happens if a ring that does NOT match that description is presented to me? Am I just setting myself up for disaster? Not to mention the supersticious aspect! Oh lord, the superstitions! Have I totally jinxed myself by looking at all those rings and deciding what I like?
Ok, now things are just getting ridiculous. If I were given a ring that does NOT match that description, well, that's fine. I am not setting myself up for disaster, and there is nothing wrong with looking at pretty sparkly things, the only bad luck comes from wearing a ring on your (wedding)ring finger before you are married/engaged. And it's not as if I've gone ahead and planned a bloody wedding, I'm just looking at pretty sparkly things and deciding what I do and do not like, much like watching a fashion show; just because I really like one of the outfits on one of the models does not mean I will be going out and buying it, I may however make note for future consideration in wardrobe planning.
So there, I don't seem the least bit neurotic, do I? Good, it's settled then.

Can't sleep (clown's gonna eat me...?) (sorry, simpson's reference)

Ugh, I can't sleep. Too many things on my mind. Things changing with my job, things changing with my life...with everything. I'll be moving into my new apartment in less than two weeks, Mare is leaving in less than two weeks, Brad is coming in less than two weeks, and god only knows what's happening with work. I'm up for an on-air morning show co-host gig, which would be phenomenal, but doesn't pay all that well. I've also got the option of taking Mare's job, which is a promotion and a raise, but still news. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy news, but I don't know if that's what I want to do career wise. My boss is putting the pressure on me to make a decision, but I don't know what to decide until I hear about the on-air posting. I've told her I want Mare's job if I DON'T get on-air, but she wants to know yesterday. I'm putting it off. The money would be a definate bonus, and would make things much better for me financially, what with now being faced with an apartment to myself and all. But, oh, I don't know.
I can deal with a few things being up in the air, but this feels like a lot.
And I can't even begin to plan my personal life since that revolves around my work life. I want to go camping with Brad when he comes for my birthday (24! eep!), but where we go depends on how much time off I have, and that depends on what days off I end up with, which depends on what job I end up with. Oh god, it just keeps spinning around and around and around in my head and won't bloody stop. So I'm going to Smithers for my weekend tomorrow morning, and I want to sleep and I'm tired, but I can't bloody well pass out. It's times like these I wish I had a little stash of dope so I could just fall asleep.