Well, that will teach me...

When I sent off my email to the Swift Current Chamber, I used an alternate email address. I figured my usual email doesn't exactly scream professional, so I used a generic "jwilliams...." blah blah, boring one. Unfortunately, I hadn't used it in a very long time, and can't remember why I set it up. Aparently I was looking for some sort of anonimity with it, and so rather than have my name as "Jessica Williams" I discovered this afternoon that it shows up as "The Jess". What I was thinking when I set that up, I have no idea. I'm such an idiot though. I don't think I would be eager to employ someone who refers to themselves as "the" anything. Such a turd.

On a completely unrelated note:

Oh well

Well, no surprise, but the job at the chamber was filled. Obviously the person they hired isn't doing a wonderful job because (from what I understood) upkeep on the website was part of the job description...and it hasn't been updated since July. Like I said, no surprise.
I had tried not to get my hopes up, but the more I thought about it, the more I was interested and hopeful. Silly Jessica. Oh well. guess it's back to the drawing board. And thanks so much to everyone who expressed their support. I really appreciate it.
Work is...well...pooey. The place is stripped to the barebones minimum and I'm pretty sure everyone is feeling the crunch. Constant technical problems are making things very difficult to deal with (and the tech issues are because the company is too cheap to pay what they should pay for appropriate software...or at least, that's my understanding). It's just one thing after another and it all comes down to a cheap cheap cheap penny-pinching company.
Sigh. The good news is I plan to go to the gym tonight with Heather and hopefully that will lift the spirits a wee bit. I also got A Breath of Snow and Ashes back from Carol and so now I can continue reading the saga (again and again and again).

Thoughts before bed...

Before I go to bed (as I should have done several hours ago), I want to put this thought out that has been plaguing me all day: I have become a bitch. A raving, angry, short-fused, bitch. I don't especially like it, but I feel like I don't have the time or energy to deal with other people's stupidity.
An example:
Al invites me to his place for a pay per view hockey game. When I say "invite" I mean, he tells me about it and demands "are you coming?" I tell him I can't. He (mockingly) says "why? got another phone date?" Last time I didn't go to a game was because I said I had a phone date with Brad (we make plans to talk to each other with the thought in mind we will be on the phone for a very long time and not to make other plans that night). I tell him no, it's actually because I have to go to the City Council meeting tonight. Fast-forward to 5:30. I'm just about to go home, and walk past the Wolf control room when I hear Al yell "JESS ISN'T COMING" in an accusing tone. I stop in my tracks, turn and walk back to the control room. He's in there talking to Wil and I say, with a perfectly straight face and a 'you don't want to mess with me right now' tone in my voice "First of all, don't start pulling a Whitey. Do you know what that is? It's where Whitey invites you to something and then guilt trips you when you say you can't go because you have other plans. Second, I have a council meeting tonight. I am going because I am taking Wil's shift. I am working tonight. And third...now this may completely change you opinion of me, but *whispered* I don't really like hockey all that much." He stares at me as though I've just confessed to feeding dead kittens to snakes. Then he yells out to Docc, and when Docc arrives he points at me and says "Docc! Jess just said she doesn't like hockey all that much!!!!" and Docc looks at Al, looks at me, and says "I know".
Basically, I was way more stern than I should have been given the circumstances and the fact I'm pretty sure Al was just trying to tease me....but I really don't care. I've had enough of people harassing me, even if it is supposed to be a joke. I'm tired of this.
I think a large part of it was the way he was mocking me for having phone dates at the start.
I'm sick of people either mocking my relationship or trying to get me to cheat on Brad. This is getting ridiculous. No one seems to appreciate the Monogamous relationship anymore, which may be the saddest thing I've ever heard.
On a totally unrelated note: It's been friggin forever since I last wrote up a normal resume...as in not a radio resume (which are different). I've just spent the last 2 hours revamping mine. I think it's good...or, well, as good as it's going to get at 2am. Hopefully the lady from the Swift Chamber will write to me tomorrow and I'll actually be able to send it off to her.

A step in the (insert word here) direction

Well, I took the step and applied for a job in Swift...who knows if it's even still open...I'm not getting my hopes up, but you never know, it might be...wish me luck, I guess?

the blah of work

I was going to work an extremely long day today and go into work at 9 (as per normal) and then work the city council meeting after that...making it a 12 hour day or so. But this morning, when my alarm clock went off, I decided that the 4 hours of overtime really weren't worth it. 4 hours isn't really going to get my anywhere, especially because EC is done on Friday and I have a sneaking suspicion our overtime is also done when she leaves. Instead, I'll go in an hour before I'm supposed to, just so I can go in at 10 tomorrow morning rather than 9. A good plan I think. When I called this morning to ask Bill to remind EC I would be working Wil's shift, well, let's just say I was pretty much still asleep. Poor Bill, having to deal with my nonsensical-sleepiness.

Sound Advice

So, maybe I'm still a little pissed off...

I have literally vented and ranted and raved about my shitty weekend to almost everyone I know at this point. And I've decided something: I'm not going to say anything about it to the people who pissed me off the most. If they mention the night, I will say "I'm glad you enjoyed yourself. It was a terrible night for me." and if they ask why (because social graces state they must) I will tell them it's really none of their business. Because, really, the mistake was mine for taking it upon myself to look after what's-her-name, and for thinking other people were capable of being anything but drunk and useless (Curtis and Kelly not included, quite obviously). I take the blame for this upon myself, and I've learned my lesson. Now, since I don't think I can stop myself from feeling obligated to babysit when people around me are incapacitated, I will simply not go out anymore. Done. I will not waste valuable money like that anymore.

Gym + Cheesecake = Happy Jessica

Heather and I finally took advantage of our free Y passes tonight, and it was great! I've never actually enjoyed going to the gym, but it was a lot of fun. I think because Heather and I just talked and did a bunch of cardio. Pretty softcore, but the important thing is really that we're doing something, and besides, it would be a really bad idea to start off by being really hardcore. Afterwards, we enjoyed the steamroom. Yay steamrooms! And Yay getting in shape! I'm gonna be a hot mama sooner than I'll know how to deal with! Hahaha, ok, that is, as long as we actually keep up on it. I fully intend to.
Besides, now I don't feel so bad about that massive ammount of cheesecake I ate today. One cancels the other out.

probably one of the worst nights I've had

It all started off fine and dandy. We went to the Rodeo at CN Centre. Docc, Colin, Whitey, Simone and some girl...we'll call her T for the sake of anonymity. Carol and Gerald showed up with Carol's sister, Barb and her husband, Don. There was some drinking and I had a nice buzz going. After the rodeo, we went to the dance at the Roll'O Dome where more drinking ensued. Docc was very drunk after not a lot of time and we enjoyed the live music of Ken McCoy. Many others showed up to the dance, including Gail, and Pope and Kelly. Well, Docc and T started dancing very close and making out and all that lovely stuff that I don't care if it happens, but I also don't care to watch. Anyway, I'm at one of the tables talking to Pope, when all of a sudden, T falls over one of the chairs. Some guy helps her up and sits her down on the chair next to me. She is so unbelievably durnk that she can't even keep her head up. I send Docc (also completely shitfaced) to get some water for her. She says to me that she needs to use the bathroom, so I support her while we wait in line for the bathroom. She can hardly stand up at this point. She goes into the stall and sits down and all of a sudden we can see her head hanging down by her feet and she's completely passed out. I tell the other ladies in the bathroom that I'm not abandoning her, I'm going to get water. I go back to the dancefloor and see Docc who gets excited when he sees me. I yell at him asking if he got the water and he grabs my arm to get me to go dance with him. I yell at him again and he keeps pulling me to the dance floor, so I smacked him on the arm and asked him once more if he got water. He keeps trying to pull me, so I swore at him and went back to the bathroom. The women in the washroom are telling me that this chick is totally passed out and I need to get her out of here and take care of her. At this point, I've had it. I look at them and tell them that I don't even know her. I just met her tonight and don't know her at all. I'm doing my best. So we're trying to get her out of the bathroom, and she stands up and opens the stall door and starts to leave, with her pants down around her ankle. I tell her she needs to pull her pants up before she leaves and it takes her a few tries, but she does get them on. I get her out of the bathroom and sit her down on the stairs. Docc comes up to me grinning like the fuckwit he is (note: I like Docc, but he is NOT my favorite person right now). I tell him she's fucked and needs water, so he hands me a mittfull of change. I get up and have to grab his face for him to make eye contact with me while I tell him to wait right here and make sure she doesn't go anywhere (not that I thought it likely). I got some water and got her to start sipping it. Then I went off in search of people who might be able to donate a little money towards paying for a cab home for her. When I came back to the stairs, (after finding NO ONE), Docc and T are making out again...kind of. It was pretty gross. Anyway, Docc says that he's leaving and he doesn't have his keys. I went off and got her purse and his coat, and they stumbled off. He tried to give me a hug before leaving, but by that point I was fed up.
So. Moving on. I went back to the dance (buzz effectively killed), and Pope was playing drums with Ken McCoy. Pretty cool, so I took a bunch of pictures and when he was done, we went and sat down. I hadn't seen Carol in a while and so I asked Pope if she had left or something and he and Kelly both said yeah, they had, and then they asked why I was swearing. I told them: My coat is in her truck, along with my keys in the pocket. Fuck. At this point, Whitey, who is very drunk, asks why I need my keys "I thought you were just going to sleep over at my place?" in his little Whitey way...and I flipped and told him to fuck off, this isn't the time. He tried to make light and so I kept swearing at him. He tried to rub my shoulders while he was saying it was a joke, but I shrugged him away and swore at him again. So, thank god for Pope who ended up driving me to Carol's house, slightly out of town, and when we find her truck isn't there, we went back into town to the Cadillac, where she also was not present. And finally, I called my cell phone again and again and again until someone answered. It was Carol's sister Barb, who decided to tell me that they had gone to Jasper. Didn't make any sense to me because it wasn';t actually possible for them to drive that far in that ammount of time, but they wanted to play with me. And believe me, I was in no mood for playing. Finally, they met Pope, Kelly and me at the station and gave me my coat, keys and cell phone. Then Pope drove me home.
The whole reason I missed Carol leaving is because I was babysitting T.
Fuck. I'm tired and I've had enough. This is why I don't go out.

up in the air: a dilema

I don't really know what to do at this point. I'm getting fed up with where I am right now, and, knowing the way I work, that means an irrational decision is just around the bend. Speaking rationally, though, this much I know:

*work is getting me down in the catagories of: 1. pay (lack there of, and zero probability of a substantial raise), 2. co-workers (many are just starting to get on my nerves, which I realise is probably just a by-product of general displeasure), 3. absolutely no organization, 4. lack of guidance, and 5. pay (see above)
*I want to be with Brad and "settle down" (dirty words, I know, but I want to get some sort of stability in my life, get a homebase if nothing else)
*I want to be able to start to save some money and enjoy life rather than buy discount q-tips and shampoo just to make it to the next paycheck.

Ok. Now that I know what I want...well, that's about all I've got. I don't know what to do from here.
The thought of living in Swift Current is appealing to me; Brad already has friends there and family, etc, and I really like the town itself. The downside? Well, if I stay in radio, I'd be working for Golden West again...and the thought makes me shudder. I try to tell myself the experience I had in Rosetown was simply because of that station, and it isn't a company wide thing, but then again, I don't know. I've become fairly snobbish here, and I don't really want to work for a shitty station, and from what I've heard from the Eagle, their product isn't very good, and sometimes it's just downright bad. Besides, all of this is riding on the assumption they would hire me...and who knows if there's even a position available? Plus, I have the "not from Saskatchewan" thing going against me, and from the sounds of it, they seem to hold onto the policy of "only saskatchewanians" like Rosetown did. Definately a point against me (and against them for that matter...what kind of company sacrifices quality for location?)

So, beyond Swift, I could go to Medicine Hat. The thought is appealing and scarey all at once. I don't really feel like I would be getting ahead by going there. The cost of living is the same or more than it is here, and while alberta is booming, I've been told the station there doesn't pay well at all. Daunting. Brad is also nervous about it.

Basically, I'm choosing between life and career again. In Swift we could set up a homebase, so to speak, and Brad was talking about the possibility of buying a house there. The cost of living is much lower (we're talking one bedroom apartments for under $400!). I like it there and I have friends there...actual friends that I miss! It definately has it's appeal. And I guess there's always the possibility of getting into communications somehow or other. That's something I would like to do. I don't know. Everything is just so stinkin up in the air and confusing. I don't know what to do.

Suggestions are welcome...but please not the "follow your heart" variety. I want cold, hard, harsh criticisms.

Pay Day Blues

I got paid today. Normally it's a fun happy day for at least a couple of hours until I've paid off my bills, etc and realize I no longer have any money, but when I checked my balance and found it was 50 dollars less than normal, well, let's just say it wasn't a happy fun day. I checked my pay stubs and found I am now paying an additional 50 dollars a month in deductions; life insurance, and long and short term disability. I am on a strick budget to begin with, and was just barely getting by...and now...well...fuck. I know, 50 bucks doesn't sound like a whole lot, but when you make as little as I do, it's detrimental. I don't know what I'm going to do, other than get a second job....and there goes my small semblance of a social life. I'm super depressed.

STAY HOME!!!

This is a personal beef of mine. If you are sick, STAY HOME. DO NOT go to work. I don't care that you feel like you're letting your company down, I don't care if you think you're leaving the office understaffed. STAY HOME. Can I emphasize this once more? STAY HOME with your gross snot and hacking cough. Chances are, if you're sick, you won't be of much use anyway, and you're just going to make yourself sicker, or at the least, slow down the healing process. . And, this is the most important part, you will get ME sick. I don't want your germs. STAY HOME.

Jess Hearts Brad

We had one of those conversations on the phone tonight that really just confirms everything for me: we're on the same wavelength, and we both want the same things. I love him so much, and he makes me so happy. It just makes me feel so much closer to him. It amazes me the way there aren't any games between us...we say what we mean and keep the guesswork out of it. There are no misapprehensions that way. I respect him and trust him, and I love him.

I Like Booze!

What's a trip home without a night spent at the local bar getting trashed? Not a trip home if you ask me! Well, that's a flat out lie actually, I love going home, drunken nights notwithstanding...but this time I did go out, and drink, I did. It was not intended (then again, it rarely is for me). Denise, Christine and I went to the Lodge for drinks (drinks for them as I was driving and therefore could not partake). Denise called her friend Randy who came as well and when we finished at the Lodge (where they had begun doing karaoke...*shudder*) and piled into my car to go to the Twin. Once there, I put the club on my car (much to the amusement of Denise and Christine, since, let's face it, car theft is not a big problem in Smithers) and prepared myself to leave it behind for the night. I said hi to everyone I used to work with. I love seeing Stacy, Tony and Mike. Jason was there who I haven't seen since I worked there...he had gone away for a while I think maybe...and, of course, Dominic (who came later). Then I started drinking the Vodka. And I drank a lot of it. About 6 drinks in an hour and a half...if that gives you an idea of my state. We hung out afterward the bar closed and everyone had cleared out. Hung around just like old times. God I miss that place. When I was working there and at Omineca, hell, I don't think I'll ever enjoy working anywhere as much as I did there. Not really sure why I quit, to be honest! ha! Oh well. I loved it. And I had a great time on Saturday night. Tony drove us home afterwards (bless his heart) and I stumbled into bed. I remember laying there and thinking "I don't feel to bad, I don't think i'll have a hangover tomorrow." Right. ha! I slept until noon because when I woke up at 9:30 I had the spins. Yeah. Well done Jessica. Killed a lot of brain cells that night, but whooo! it was fun!

thank god for camera phones

Everyone Must See the Trailer Park Boys Movie

This is possibly the best movie in creation. "The Ten Commandments" have nothing on this, "Lawrence of Arabia" back off, Ricky, Julien and Bubbles have come to town, and the town is welcoming them with open arms!
G-Lo and I went to the late show tonight. We were there for about a half hour before the show started and for the entire 30 minutes, all there was for entertainment was a gigantic "Johnny's Pizza" add on the screen. That's it. No music, no fancy commercials, just "Johnny's Pizza" with their weekly specials (3 for 1 pizza on monday, 1/2 price wings on wednesday, and a free 2L bottle of pop on thursday...and apparently they have debit at the door...who says advertising doesn't work?).
Then it started. The movie was excellent. I give it eleven Totally Rads out of five. Oh...and some people apparently hae too much time on their hands...

el shit-o is hitting el fan-o

Well, it's official, the news director has given her notice. As of October 21st, Eryn Collins will no longer be a part of CI. She's moving into communications. So, in the span of two weeks, our newsroom has gone from 5 employees to 3. To quote said news director: "where are we going? and why am I in this handbasket?"

back to the grind..

It's tuesday...and I'm already drained beyond all reason. I guess that's always the way it goes when you have a holiday.
It was an incredible week, and I felt my heart break just a little when I had to leave on Sunday. But we're going to be together again soon...at least in november for our two year anniversary, if not sooner.
This morning I got a call from the news director in Medicine Hat who said my former PD had contacted him to tell him what a great newsie I am (wonder what I owe her for spreading those beautiful lies?). He asked me to send him my resume and air-check...so I've spent the night essentially re-doing my resume. Whooo... It's one of those things that, after a while of working on it, everything starts to blur together. But I think I managed something accurate, correct, organized, and well presented.
I'm going to go to bed very soon...but, first, I want to post this:
I miss my Brad.

one more sleep...

if I can actually get to sleep that is. Tomorrow morning, at 8 I will get up and shower and finish my packing. I will have my coffee and call my mum and then Heather will come and get me at 10 and I will be off to the airport to fly to Saskatchewan to see Brad. I can't wait to see him. I can't believe it's only one more sleep. We've been counting since the 30s...and to be down to one. I didn't believe it for most of the day and then around 8, while at the Cougars game tonight it hit me, and I suddenly have the Christmas morning feeling. I need to sleep, but my mind is busy. I feel like if I tried to go to bed right now it would just be useless...on the flip side, I'm tired enough right now.
Arrrrrgh! I wish it were tomorrow. I have a lot of travelling, but at least when I'm travelling I feel like I'm getting closer to arrival...even if the particular part of travel involves a (very) long layover in any number of cities.
Must go to bed...must make it NO more sleeps!

one-sided friendships

I'm having one of those days where I feel in a funk, I feel depressed and very low. But does anybody bother to ask me how my life is going? Hell no. Nothing beyond the "how's it going?" in passing, which is always answered with a "alright, and you?" no matter how I'm feeling. It would be clear to those who cared to look that I am not, in fact, alright. But no one cares to look. This is not a big deal as far as most of the people at work goes, because there are not many I would feel right dumping my problems on anyway. But there are some that I have given my ear to, that I have spent hours listening to the problems of, and that I have put a lot of effort into trying to help...and they are so wrapped up in their own lives that they don't notice. And that's just fine. It just puts things in perspective. I miss my real friends, who would actually bother to notice that things are off with me today.

Memories

Maureen came to visit me on sunday when I got back from Smithers. It's very strange to think that we've known each other for 12 years now. Half of my life. Sunday night we drank a bottle of wine, got very silly and reminisced. We talked until 1:30 about boys, relationships, and memories from our trip to England in 2002 (was it really 4 years ago?!). I found it funny how we can have such different memories of things when we were both in the exact same place at the exact same time. We both had to jog the other's memory for several incidents. Looking back, it's really no wonder my mum was terrified for us going to the UK. We were 19 afterall, and so completely naive. But what an incredible trip...I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

Before Sunset

I watched Before Sunset tonight, and it has occured to me, I relate more to the characters as 32 year olds than I do when they were supposed to be 23. Is that obsurd? I remember how captivated I was by the romanticism and naivity of Before Sunrise, and now, in this sequel, nine years later, the reflective nature seems more fitting to me. I'm not jaded, but it intrigues me that I would relate better to thirty-somethings than to those closer to my own age. The only conclusions I can draw are that a. they wrote the characters unrealistically (definately a possibility) and targetted them more towards my age group, or b. I'm ridiculously mature for my age. Ha! But, the movie was good. Many would argue, and many would be horribly disappointed and likely be fairly to extremely bored, but I like it. The first movies became my quiet, reflective mood movie, and the second, well...it was a good movie.

single digit countdown

we're into the single digits of the countdown now...and frankly I can't wait. And not just because I can't wait to see Brad, but I can't wait for a break from here. This is getting ridiculous. The newsroom is damn-near intollerable some days. I don't mind working hard, in fact, I like it; I like deadlines, I like being pushed, and I like being busy, but when those things are overshaddowed by a huge ball of stress, it's like a big negative cloud over the newsroom. I don't work well in such extremely negative conditions. But, not only do I get to get away for a week, three days of that are days in lieu, so I don't have to use holidays for those, and furthermore, I get to see my Brad again. God I can't wait...

A ponderism

I stood in my livingroom and spun around and around, letting my arms float up like they were weightless. When I stopped I felt dizzy and realized that's pretty much exactly what it feels like when I'm drunk, and I mean really drunk; drunk to the point where if I don't drink lots and lots of water I'm going to have a mean hang over the next day. Maybe if I only spun around 4 times instead of 6 I would just get a buzz...that sure would save money...
Anyway, the bottom line is I understand why little kids love spinning so much, but at the same time, wonder why I never felt sick after spinning when I was little?
I bet you're wondering why I was spinning in the first place...well, why the hell not?

So young

I was so young! Looking back through photos of my friends and I when we graduated in 2000...and I can't believe how little I look. I was such a little kid then...no wonder my parents were terrified I would do something stupid, I thought I was a grown up, but I was just a kid. 17 is not an adult by any means. And it so strange to think about my mentality then...the weird mindset, thinking was all grown up because I was "ready" to move off to school and get on with my adult life. I was so little...so young.

"All women should" and I still haven't...

What Every Woman Should Have:
*One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to (even if you wouldn't) and one who reminds you of how far you've come.
*Enough money within your control to move out and rent a place on your own, even if you never want or need to.
*Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
*A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you're not ashamed to be seen carrying.
*A youth you're content to move beyond.
*A past juicy enough that you're looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
*A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.
*One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
*A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
*Eight matching plates, wineglasses with stems and a recipe for a meal that will make your guests feel honored.
*A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.
*A feeling of control over your destiny.
*A skin care regime, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don't get better after 30.
*A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better.

Every Woman Should Know:
*How to fall in love without losing yourself.
*How you feel about having kids.
*How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
*When to try harder and when to walk away.
*How to kiss a man in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn't like to happen next.
*How to have a good time at a party you'd never choose to attend.
*How to ask for what you want in a way that makes it most likely you'll get it.
*That you can't change the length of your calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your parents.
*That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.
*What you would and wouldn't do for love or money.
*How to live alone, even if you don't like it.
*Who you can trust, who you can't, and why you shouldn't take it personally.
*Where to go - be it your best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn hidden in the woods - when your soul needs soothing.
*What you can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, and a year.
*Why they say life begins at 30.

I'm feeling a little torn between being lonely and enjoying the feeling of independance. My apartment is quiet and I like the feeling that everything here is mine. Living on my own was something I never thought I would actually do. It comes from believing the position I'm in in a relationship would simply continue to escalate, and negate the need to ever live solo. It sort of seems everything I promise myself I will never do turns out to happen.
For example:
- "I will never live in Res" - Whoops, two years running and happened to meet a terrific guy there.
- "I will never take the bus from BC to Saskatchewan ever again" - whoops, twice at Christmas
- "I will never give (insert name of guy here) another chance" - whoops... it applies to more guys than I could name anyway, and to all levels of relationship from the crush stage to the actual dating stage.
- "I will never speak to her again" - ok, so that's from when I was little kid and I got into a fight with my friends because they wouldn't let me play with their cabbage patch kid or something.
- "I will never live beyond my means again" - yeah, well, apparently I didn't learn that lesson the first time around.
- "I will never let myself be treated like a doormat by a guy again" - yeah, well, let's just say the "anti-doormat" clause is a recent addition to my life, and when I said it last time, I may as well have gotten "WELCOME" tattooed on my forehead.

Well, I think you get the idea. It never works out the way I say it will when I say "I will never..." or "I refuse..." So I try not to say that anymore, because usually it's something I feel rather strongly about and then feel very sheepish when I actually do end up doing what I said I would never do.
I don't really know where I'm going with this...just sort of a contemlative babble I suppose.

In other news: I love this site: http://www.menarebetterthanwomen.com/ clearly written by a chick. love it.

Growing up

I knew it would happen, or rather, I had been told it would happen, but when it actually does...well, it's surreal. From the time the first person in my class got engaged I was told it was not the end and all of a sudden everyone would be getting married.
the weird part of me is thinking about these people how I knew them in highschool. These people who went out all the time and got drunk and screwed around all the time. I know that was highschool, and it's definately not fair to hold things from those four years against anyone...afterall it was 6 year ago (holy crap!), but it's so strange to think of these kids getting hitched and being adults...even the ones I knew after highschool I still think of silly little first year university students...the fact many of them are done university too and trying to get real jobs blows my mind too. It's much the same as looking at someone you used to babysit and seeing them at graduation, or (even worse) at the bar! How did they grow up? And when did that happen? Weird

Music Memories

"Palm of your Hand" by Cake will always bring back memories of October 2004, riding the ferry back from the island with Britt, sitting on the deck, contemplating life and having trouble breathing from the wind.

And what, exactly, was I thinking?

I've been re-reading my old journals lately, and come to realize just how messed up my previous relationships have been. Whenever I look back, I try to do so with happy (yet distant) memories. But reading my journals makes me think, perhaps looking back with that sort of disposition is not entirely accurate. I am well aware that a good portion of the shittiness was likely caused by me and my idiosyncracies...but really! There was a lot of shit, and a lot of crying. I don't understand why I thought that was normal? Where did I get the impression crying myself to sleep in frustration and general misery was the sign of a good relationship? I guess i was young, and that's a large part of it, but honestly. In the end, it just really brings my current relationship into sharp focus. Brad treats me like a queen, and I appreciate that to begin with, but remembering how bad things had been really puts it into perspective. That's not to say there weren't good times before too, and I never wrote about those because I was too busy enjoying them.I just wonder sometimes what I was thinking.

drifting

I don't know how many times I've talked about how friendships change and people change and you only have so much time in the day and have to decide how to spend it and divide it among people. How that inevitably leaves people on the list that just don't get any time devoted to them...which is just the way the cookie crumbles really. How those friends get demoted to "aquaintances". That's always been my philosphy, and it always seemed to me to be the way the world works. Maybe it's just a way to cope, a defence mechanism so that when I slight someone (or get slighted) I can just say "well, that's the way the world works". I wonder if things aren't so cut and dried and maybe there's some grey area...then again...maybe not. Maybe it is that cut and dried.
I often surprise myself at how harsh I can be with friends. I'm more than willing to put in the time and energy with someone, but if that energy is not given back equally then it's a sort of three strikes rule. It's a harsh thing to do, but then again, why would I keep putting my time and energy into something that's just wasting my time and energy? That's not to say that if the lines of communication were ever brought up again I would sit there and say "screw you, you didn't have time for me six months ago, so I don't have time for you now"...I will respond and see how things go from there...but I won't be surprised if the connection fails again, and I certainly won't allow myself to feel hurt if it does.
It's one of those things that happens when people get older and start to have their own lives, and I would never begrudge someone that. It's just the way things go...but before you know it...well, who's left?

--------------------------
On a completely unrelated note, I've been asked at least 8 times in the past month if I'm engaged yet. This is getting ridiculous. I'm not, and I promise, if I were, you would know. Thank you.

Drinking gives me courage!

Ok, so, contrary to popular belief, going out and getting pissed is not going to become a habit for me. It was just a coincidence that the first two weekends I had off ended up to be big party weekends, and, what with not having to work the next day, I decided to be a little silly. Last night was a little less than planned though. Oh well. Carol and I talked for a couple hours dowing glass after glass of champagne...and two bottles later, well, yeah. Let's just say it's a good thing everyone else was pissed too, because otherwise I may have made a big fool of myself. But the good thing that came from last night is the new found feeling of "I'm going to do this and damn to anyone who says no." I think it's about time I got ballsy.

Thank you for 'Tim'

A brief note:
I finally got around to watching "Tim" tonight, a 1979 movie starring Mel Gibson.
Women everywhere must see this movie...not for plot, not for character development, not for phenomenal acting...no, women must see this movie to see Mel at the tender age of 23 wearing short-shorts and a muscle shirt, or (oh dear god, it's true) a speedo.
So, thank you Director Michael Pate for the gift of a 23 year old Mel Gibson leaping and running along the white sandy beaches of Australia, caught on tape for the world to cherish forever.

Kim Mitchell wears shiny shorts, and Jessica hearts beer!

Kim Mitchell wore black shorts with shiny silver stars on them. The crowd was mostly 40+ year olds who used to groove to the music back when it was new. You should have seen the audience go crazy when they started playing "Patio Lanterns"!



In recap of the night:
*I had lots of beer.
*Heather, darling that she is, was the DD...
*Erica came up from Quesnel for a last "Hurrah" before heading to Peace River. *No one had to pay to see the show. *Colin put on a hell of a show. *and I don't think we stopped dancing from the start of the show to the end. Though, in all honesty, I don't think I could have stopped...I get that way when I drink...I feel the Rhythm Divine...until I crash that is ...which apparently I did at CWP's house (and oh what a flattering picture that is...). A good night though, and, lo and behold, this morning I woke without a hangover! Yahoo!

a mid morning reflection

change doesn't have to be scarey. the scarey thing about change is the unknown part of it, and the way it comes regardless of whether you're ready for it or not. very few people like change, but on the other side of the coin, those who have no change in their lives become bored and restless. staying in the same job for 30 years, the same tasks day in and day out, nothing different, well, it's dull and if you were faced with that prospect for the rest of your life, it would be more awful than waking up and wondering if the rug was going to be pulled out from underfoot. so change doesn't have to be scarey, being stagnant is the scarey bit.

what was the point of this?

I was going to post, but then as I was writing, it was turning into more of a rant than anything that anyone would like to read...that includes myself. I've already bitched to everyone that would listen and I don't feel much better, so I guess it's all to do with being tired. Finally getting around to importing a bunch of music into my iPod, which is good to do. Hmmm, again, sliding into a terribly boring and pointless post...I should really just delete it all and forget the idea of posting anything at all, but for some reason I'm compelled to continue.
Right now I:
love: Jack Johnson on the Curious George soundtrack, "Lady in the Water"
hate: working 15 days straight without a day off, and having to go to council tomorrow night
am feeling: tired and a little cranky
again...what was the point of this?

not so alone it would seem

I love having guests, and I love seeing my friends, and I love being social...but it's time for a pause I think. I've lived in my apartment for just shy of a month, and since I moved in, I haven't been on my own here for more than a couple of days. When I moved in, Brad came to visit, which was absolutely wonderful and I wouldn't trade for the world. He left on Sunday and was followed by my friend (another) Brad and his girlfriend stopping by and crashing on my floor for the night en route to Kamloops. Monday through to Friday I was on my own, so I guess that's 4 nights alone, then Mare and Anna came on Friday afternoon. They stayed until Sunday afternoon. I was on my own for 3 nights from Sunday to Wednesday when I went back to Smithers for my "weekend". Thursday and Friday were at home by myself and then Saturday Maureen and Matt came to visit. They stayed until Tuesday night. Now I've had 3 nights alone. So, in roughly a month, I've only been alone in my apartment for 10 nights. That seems a little ridiculous to me...and may account for why I'm so exhausted all the time. Being a really bad hostess is hard work!
(PS, most boring blog entry ever)

appearances

I have often wondered about people and society while sitting in court.
The way people dress creates a stereotype...or does the stereotype dictate the way someone dresses? For example, what makes someone who is trailer-trashy dress in tights and a ripped mini-skirt with hooker boots, an over-the-top low-cut shirt that shows way too much cleavage to be appropriate and messy bleached and teased hair? Is it because something in their history told them that was a "sexy" look? I can only assume most of these people have access to a television, and if not, they must leave the house and see other people dressed well, or at the very least, appropriately and tastefully. So, why the trailer-trash outfit? What made them think it was a "good look"?
I have also wondered, looking at people who have obviously had a hard go with life, whether those people look as rough as they do because of their lives, or because of a stigma? For example, when a person is known as a cocaine addict, do they look as rough as they do because they really are, or is it because I know they have drug problems and likely live a dilapidated lifestyle? Would they still look as harsh if they were clean cut and dressed in a suit, for example? The facial features would still be the same.
Which came first, the assumption someone lives a broken life, or the appearance they do?

My day off (singular)

I had a really good day off. Very relaxing and long enough to feel like two, which was really good considering I really only had one day off this week (I worked a bunch of overtime yesterday...hooray for banking hours!).
It started with a big struggle to get out of bed, but I won over the pull of my comfy bed and go up and ready in the timeline I had allowed myself. I took my car in nice and early to Tony the mechanic (who should just love me for the ammount of money I've given him for repairs to my wheels. Right on schedule, I was nice and early at the bus stop waiting for the bus to take me back to my apartment.
While I was at home I made a call to Kris in FSJ who had told me about the job and thanked him but explained that I feel like I'm in a good place right now and want to stick it out for a little while longer and see what happens here. He said he totally understood and was in a similar situation, so no worries. I thanked him again for the heads up.
After less than an hour at home Tony called me with the good news: the power steering was only leaking because the hose wasn't tightenned completely, which meant I only had to pay for the time they spent working on it and making sure it was going to be ok. So I went to the bus stop again and was early for the bus back to the shop.
After picking up my car I did some errands which included returning a movie to the video store. I dropped it off and was walking around the counter when I guy standing there said "Excuse me" I turned around and he said "You are disgustingly beautiful" I gave him a strange look and said "uhhh, thank you" and left. What a weird way to compliment someone..."disgusting" isn't usually followed by "beautiful", but oh well, some people are just odd...I took it at face value and went on with my errands.
Afterwards, Docc and I went for lunch at Kelly O's where he picked up the tap since he works there and gets a discount. Then we went to Fort George Park and walked around and talked. It was a really good way to spend the day, then I dropped him off at the station and came back to my apartment once again.
I watched TV and vegged..."the bounty" was on (oh, Mel), and then I talked briefly with Brad before his phone died. I did some dishes and general tidying of my place in preparation for Mare and Anna's arrival tomorrow, and now I'm ready for bed and it's only 11. A good, full day...and it's back to work tomorrow and then a weekend of hanging out with Mare and Anna including a concert, some dancing and generally good times all around. Looking forward to the weekend, and feeling settled and content in general.

a dilema

A dilema indeed...I've been told of an on-air morning co-host/news/beat reporting job in FSJ. If I want to go back into on-air that's the way for me to go, but I feel like I've already settled myself into putting my efforts into news and following that path. I feel like I should stick with what I'm doing, because, well, the other job doesn't feel quite right to me...though I don't know why. I'm big on following my gut, but I also like to know why I feel a certain way about something before I go ahead and follow my instincts. Is it just that I feel comfortable with what I'm doing, or is it that this is actually the best thing for me to do? I don't want to do anything because of complacency...but...

life or something like it

it's one of those identity crisis moments for me, though maybe 'crisis' is the wrong word to use. I don't feel lost or lacking in identity, more just a wonderment at how I got here. I have vivid and vague memories of growing up and playing and going to school and the things I was interested in when I was young, and I can remember being in high school having no idea what was next for me, but being hell-bent on acting. Then school finished and the path my life was on changed. I got a boyfriend, I moved into my first place and I worked a retail job, and somewhere along the lines my goals changed and I fell into a sort of limbo. Things changed, as they always do, and I found a new goal for myself. That goal led me to BCIT and radio school where I found the dream of being on air. After the two year program I moved to Saskatchewan to be with Brad and couldn't get a job on-air so I began to do news. Following my hopes of going back into on-air I moved to PG for a different and better news job. Now that two on-air opportunities have fallen through, it seems news has become my career. It's a good thing. It's always a little sad to see a dream fade away, but it's also been replaced with something that holds promise for me. I know the steps of how I got here, but I can't for the life of me figure out how I got here mentally. I think a lot of it came to me this afternoon when I was reading the 3p cast for Prince George and heard the intro say "here's Jessica Williams". I know who I am, but when I hear my name it always makes me think "is that me?" People say I look like a Jessica, but what does that mean? That the seven letters suit my appearance? Would I have done the same thing with my life if my parents had given me a different name when I was born? Would I still be Jessica Williams with another name?
I've gone from a place in life where the thought of being as grown up as the 7th grade kids was a foreign idea, to the brink of graduation and being set free from high school with nothing more than a stubborn determination to be an actress, to feeling lost and pathless, to blindly following a whim and going to school, to having something I enjoy doing and wondering where I'm going and how to navigate a path in life when I don't know where the path leads. And I can't help but feel like I haven't really learned anything from life, except that it keeps going and you just have to deal with each day.

bloody car

my friggin car is busted again. yup...again. this time there's some sort of leak in the power steering. god only knows. jus when I start to get a handle on my money and feel like I can crawl out of this hole, my car goes to pot again...god willing it will only cost around a hundred to get fixed. pretty sure my mechanic's bank account loves me though.

tools of the trade

a can-openner is a very useful tool...when you have one. I, for one, do not. Thus began my problem when I realized the cheap coffee I bought today from Wal-mart did not infact have one of those nifty handy pull off tops. No, it was a fully seeled can. The thought of having no coffee in the morning moved me to search the kitchen for something sharp to be used in lieu. For future reference: cork screws do not effectively open a can, neither does bringing a knife down on the top with any reasonable ammount of force...or rather, not if you still want to have use of the knife ever again, which I did, it being my only knife. Then, it dawned upon me: a hammer would exert an appropriate ammount of force...and a screwdriver would certainly not bend under the forceful blows. So I began to hammer away at the top of my coffee can, creating a 2 inch perforation along one edge, and puncturing out the remaining bits in between. Realizing how long it would take me to fully remove the top in this manner, I began to see alternative methods again...when it occured to me: coffee is ground very small, small enough in fact, to be poured out through a two by 1/8 inch slot. necessity truly is the mother of invention, and who ever said a woman can't use tools? Bah!

a wonderful week together

the wonderful week has come to an end. Brad left this morning back to Rosetown. I hate the goodbye. A long hug and then we part...but as awful as the parting always is, the time spent together is worth it.
he arrived on friday the 14th and we spent the evening sitting and smiling stupidly at each other, just happy to be together again. saturday I had to work, but we went shopping after and went to dinner and a movie that night. sunday after work we left for Smithers and spent the night there. monday morning we left for terrace and went camping at lakelse lake. the weather wasn't wonderful; cool and cloudy, but at least it didn't rain. we had the staple camping food of hotdogs and burgers and marshmallows (I heart marshmallows!) and finally got to use all of the camping gear Brad bought in june that didn't get used when I went to visit him because of the poor weather and rain. tuesday was my birthday and we had camping egg mcmuffins (which were amazing), and spent the day relaxing and just enjoying the feeling of having nothing to do. wednesday we packed up and headed back to Smithers. that night we saw Pirates of the Caribbean for the second time (the first, in PG, was a bit of a bust since the only seats left in the theatre were in the second row and we could hardly see the whole screen). thursday was spent sleeping in and going to lunch, then packing up the car and heading back to PG. friday I had to work again, but after work Brad made supper...fillet mignon on the barbeque with baked potatoes, garlic bread and caesar salad with cheesecake for dessert. we watched a movie and went to bed trying to fight off the sweltering heat that had settled on the apartment during the day. yesterday after work we went for lunch and did a little bit of shopping, but it was too hot to do much at all, so we went back to the apartment and sat there melting. dinner at BP, and back to the apartment, which had, once again, heated up to 30 during the day. Brad had a stroke of genius during the evening and we put the fan out on the deck to push the cool air into the livingroom. the bedroom remained so bloody hot though, so we picked up the mattress off of my bed and put it on the floor in the living room, leaving the screen door open with the fan on the porch and slept there. it actually got cool enough to need a blanket...marvelous! this morning we went to tim hortons for coffee and then Brad followed me to work and said goodbye. I miss him already.

quizzie thing

SECTION 1 - YOU
+ Known as: Jess, J-Will, J-dubb, J, saucy wench, Bubs
+ Born: July 18th
+ Haircolor: some sort of mess of brown and golden brown
+ Eyecolor: Blue when I'm happy, Green when I'm pissed off or sad

SECTION 2 - HAVE YOU EVER...
+ Fallen off the bed?: I have a small scar on my chin to prove it
+ Broken someone else's heart?: yeah, what can I say, I'm a heartbreaker
+ Had your heart broken?: yeah...apparently also a heartbreakee
+ Had a dream come true?: sure have

SECTION 3 - CURRENTLY...
+ Wearing: board shorts and a t-shirt with skull and crossbones that says "Saucy Wench"
+ Listening to: 94X
+ Located: newsroom at work
+ Chatting with: no one..so lonely
+ Watching: crazy people and bums going past the station (working in the ghetto!)
+ Should REALLY be: writing a second version of a story for the 8am cast

SECTION 4 - DO YOU...
+ Do you brush your teeth?: frequently...it's what I do when I forget what I was going to do
+ Have any piercings?: several in my ears and one in my nose..and a wee scar from my eyebrow
+ Drive?: a "little mermaid green" cav
+ Drink?: on occassion
+ Have a cell phone?: yes, and I can't live without it

SECTION 5 - THE LAST PERSON YOU...
+ Hugged: Brad
+ IMed: can't remember...been moving, haven't had internet
+ Talked with on the phone: Brad, checking to see if he wanted me to pick up something for supper

SECTION 7 - PERSONAL...
+ What do you want to be when you grow up?: A pony!
+ What comes first in your life?: god only knows
+ Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush?: I have a crush on my boyfriend
+ What are you most scared of?: Bridges.
+ What do you usually think about before you go to bed?: did I set the alarm? oh god WHAT time do I have to get up?
+ Did you lose someone you really loved?: not in the "great beyond" sense, but yes+ How many times have you FALLEN in love: whooo...umm...I guess three or four?

SECTION 8 - FAVORITE...
+ Movie: Little Mermaid, Maverick, Pirates of the Caribbean : the Curse of the Black Pearl, Princess Bride, Orgazmo, to name a few
+ Band: Matchbox 20, Jack Johnson (though he's not a band)
+ Store: Wal-Mart...the source of all evil and human suffering, but SUCH good bargains!
+ Cousin: Clint
+ Sport: to watch: olympic diving, though I like watching the riders, and I like watching soccer too
+ Food: perogies. period. stop, full stop.
+ Candy: chocolate
+ Day of the week: thursday
+ color: green, yellow, red.

SECTION 9 - DO YOU...
+ Like to give hugs?: yes, but not with those creepy people that only want to hug you as an excuse for touching
+ Like to walk in the rain?: sure do
+ Prefer black or blue?: neither really
+ Sleep on your side, stomach or back?: back
+ Have a goldfish?: they have all perished.
+ Ever have the falling dream?: frequently
+ Have stuffed animals?: cuddles and commander bun-bun.

SECTION 11 - THIS OR THAT...
+ Pierced nose or tongue?: nose
+ MTV or BET?: but the view isn't on either of those stations! (kidding, kidding, I DON'T watch the View!), and I don't watch either.
+ 7th heaven or dawsons creek?: I guess Dawsons Creek cause I USED to watch it...USED to.
+ Chocolate or flowers?: Flowers
+ Color or Black-and-white photos?: generally I like color
+ Stay up late or sleep in?: one followed by the other
+ Hot or cold?: hot
+ Sun or moon?: sun
+ Left or Right?: left
+ 10 Acquaintances or one best friend?: one best friend
+ Mustard or ketchup?: ketchup in moderation.
+ Spring or Fall?: Spring+ Happy or sad: happy happy happy!
+ Wonder or amazement?: amazement
+ McDonald's or Burger King?: mmmm, BK chicken sandwich...yum...drooling..
+ Mexican or Italian food?: Italian, spicy food gives me gas

FIRSTS
First best friend: Amber...I was really little and she was bossy.
First screen name: JessW13
First self purchased CD: Friends Soundtrack
First pets: Flower the hamsterFirst piercing/tattoo: ears

LASTS
Last car ride: this morning at 5:10 cruising into work late
Last good cry:couple days ago maybe? a while ago...I don't really remember
Last crush: my boyfriend...so far so good.
Last phone call: mum when she called us in Burns Lake where the keys were locked in the car and there are no towing companies or locksmiths in the bloody town
Last time showered: this morning, roughly 4:40am
Last shoes worn: flipflops
Last Song played: .......?....can't remember
Last item bought: lunch at Louise's Kitchen
Last annoyance: my bed constantly breaking
Last website visited: hotmail
Last word/s you said: "what WAS the last item I bought....?"...alright, so I talk to myself, so what?
Last song you sang: "the beer bone" by tracy someoneorother on the Wolf...singing along

What's under your bed?: nothing...too afraid anything under there will be smooshed when my bed finally kicks it.
What time did you wake up today?: 4:30
Current mood: sleepy and a little bored.current food: post-coffee water
Current hair: frizzy mess
Current annoyance(s): not knowing when I'll start working a regular mon-fri shift and get to drop kick the weekend thing.
Current hate: companies putting allergy warnings on products just to save their asses when they could just be more careful.

Appearance
[ ] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[ ] I tan easily.
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color.
[x] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[x] I have a tattoo.
[x] I have/I've had braces.
[x] I wear glasses/contacts
[ ] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have had piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have/had freckles.

Family/Home Life
[ ] I've run away from home
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids.
[ ] I've had children.
[ ] I've lost a child.

School/Work
[ ] I'm in school.
[x] I have a job.
[x] I've fallen asleep at work/school.
[ ] I almost always do my homework.
[x] I've missed a week or more of school.
[x] I've been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years.
[ ] I failed more than 1 class last year.
[ ] I've stolen something from my job
[ ] I've been fired.

Embarrassment
[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I've peed from laughing.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[x] I've glued my hand to something
[ ] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[x] I've had my pants rip/drop in public.

Health
[ ] I was born with a disease/impairment.
[ ] I've gotten stitches.
[ ] I've broken a bone.
[ ] I've had my tonsils removed.
[x] I've sat in a doctors office with a friend.
[x] I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
[ ] I had a serious surgery.
[ ] I've had chicken pox.

Traveling
[x] I've driven over 200 miles in one day.
[x] I've been on a plane.
[x] I've been to Canada.
[ ] I've been to Mexico.
[ ] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] I've been to Japan.
[ ] I've Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[x] I've been to Europe.
[ ] I've been to Africa.

Experiences
[x] I've gotten lost in my city.
[x] I've seen a shooting star.
[x] I've wished on a shooting star.
[x] I've seen a meteor shower.
[x] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[x] I've kicked a guy where it hurts...well it was knee and it was unintentional
[x] I've been to a casino. (I like to gamble! slot machines are fun!)
[ ] I've been skydiving.
[ ] I've gone skinny dipping.
[ ] I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[ ] I've crashed a car.
[x] I've been Skiing
[x] I've been in a play.
[x] I've met someone in person from the internet.
[x] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[x] I've seen the Northern Lights.
[x] I've sat on a roof top at night.
[ ] I've played chicken.
[x] I've played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[x] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[ ] I've eaten Sushi.
[x] I've been snowboarding.

Honesty/Crime
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[ ] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[ ] I've run a red light.
[ ] I've been suspended from school.
[ ] I've been arrested.

Death and Suicide
[x] I'm afraid of dying.
[x] I hate funerals.
[ ] I've seen someone dying.
[ ] Someone close to me has committed suicide.
[ ] I've attempted suicide.
[ ] I've written a eulogy for myself.

Materialism
[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[x] I own iPod or MP3 player
[ ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[ ] I own a real designer purse
[ ] I own an accesory other than a purse from a designer
[x] I own something from Hot Topic.
[ ] I own something from Pac Sun.
[x] I collect comic books.
[x] I own something from The Gap.
[x] I own something I got on e-bay.
[ ] Majority of my closet is abercrombie/hollister

Random
[x] I can sing well. (I think I'm alright.)
[ ] I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[ ] I open up easily to others.
[x] I watch the news.
[ ] I don't kill bugs.
[ ] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
[x] I curse regularly.
[x] I sing in the shower.
[x] I am a morning person (definately becoming one anyway)
[x] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[x] I'm a snob about grammar.
[ ] I am a sports fanatic.
[x] I twirl my hair
[x] I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day
[x] I bake well.
[x] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue
[ ] I would wear pajamas to school.
[ ] I like Martha Stewart. (anyone who checks yes to this box will no longer be called friend by me)
[x] I laugh at my own jokes.
[ ] I eat fast food weekly.
[x] I believe in ghosts.
[ ] I am online 24/7 even with an away message.
[x] I've not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class
[x] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I am really ticklish.
[ ] I love white chocolate
[ ] I bite my nails.
[x] I play video games.
[ ] I'm good at remembering faces.
[ ] I'm good at remembering names
[ ] I'm good at remembering dates.
[x] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
[x] My answers are totally true.

settling and saving

all moved into my place now...it feels good to be set up and feel a little settled. Hopefully the feeling will last a little longer than a day this time.
and I've managed to set up and RRSP with little bittie contributions each month...but apparently by the time I'm 65, it will have added up to over 200-thousand dollars! Woo! Not nearly enough, but god willing I'll manage to make a wee bit more money sometime down to road and be able to put a little more cash into it as the years go by. And I guess if I don't, I'll just live out my retirement in a cardboard box under a bridge somewhere. I wonder what sort of postal code would apply to a box?

tired

I am tired, and sore. Every muscle in my body is achy and protesting the simplest movements. The reasoning is moving. I helped Mare move her stuff to a storage space yesterday. It took us roughly 5 hours and was completely exhausting. The good part is I'm now moved into my own place, well, more or less anyway. I still have to take all my clothes and other things in my room, and then the next step is to clean the apartment so she'll get her damage deposit back.
On the upside, Brad is coming to visit me very very soon. He'll be here sometime on saturday at the latest, and hopefully late friday. It will be so good to see him again; I miss him so much.
I will be very happy once this week is done

And the peace is gone! Whooooosh!

Hard at work, clearly. My mind just won't slow down and it's making it hard for me to feel at peace...oh how short lived that feeling of calmness was! But it was nice, fleeting as it was, and after this weekend, I hope to achieve a level of serenity once again...maybe it will last a little longer than a day this time.
I think I should learn to meditate...then I can be like that guy!

peace through action

Ah the feeling of things falling into place. It's been what seems like a long time with life up in the air waiting for one of many options to fall into place, and things are finally coming together. The apartment will be packed up and mostly cleared on sunday, and I'll be moving into my apartment that day; my apartment decked out with a classy crome and red mylar table from roughly 1950 with red folding chairs, a hand-me-down beige couch, and my "please don't break when I sit on you" bed. It's good to have everything coming to a point where I can do things and make things happen. A good feeling of having power of what comes next once again; something I haven't had for a while, and apparently something that Jessica does not deal well with. Ok, so I always knew I couldn't deal with having no control over things, but it was one of those personality quirks I had hoped would come with age...apparently not. But the feeling of peace that comes from the ability to take action is certainly being well received by my strained psyche.

diamonds

Mum and I spent the evening looking at pretty diamond rings on all sorts of websites. This all spawned from her story about dad wanting to buy her a diamond ring for their 30th anniversary (which made me go "awwwwwwwwwwwww!"), and in trying to describe the ring she really liked to me, we started trying to find examples on the internet. And, after perusing and weighing all of my options, I have come to this conclusion:

I want a ring with:
-a square cut Canadian diamond (they're just prettier and with more life and nicer cut in general)
-clarity rating of of SI (or better)
-color rating of H (or better)
-white gold
-0.5 Karats would be nice (but I would gladly take a smaller size for a better clarity and colour)

How utterly ridiculous is it to think about things like this? There are so many reasons why this is a bad idea to think about. For one, what happens if a ring that does NOT match that description is presented to me? Am I just setting myself up for disaster? Not to mention the supersticious aspect! Oh lord, the superstitions! Have I totally jinxed myself by looking at all those rings and deciding what I like?
Ok, now things are just getting ridiculous. If I were given a ring that does NOT match that description, well, that's fine. I am not setting myself up for disaster, and there is nothing wrong with looking at pretty sparkly things, the only bad luck comes from wearing a ring on your (wedding)ring finger before you are married/engaged. And it's not as if I've gone ahead and planned a bloody wedding, I'm just looking at pretty sparkly things and deciding what I do and do not like, much like watching a fashion show; just because I really like one of the outfits on one of the models does not mean I will be going out and buying it, I may however make note for future consideration in wardrobe planning.
So there, I don't seem the least bit neurotic, do I? Good, it's settled then.

Can't sleep (clown's gonna eat me...?) (sorry, simpson's reference)

Ugh, I can't sleep. Too many things on my mind. Things changing with my job, things changing with my life...with everything. I'll be moving into my new apartment in less than two weeks, Mare is leaving in less than two weeks, Brad is coming in less than two weeks, and god only knows what's happening with work. I'm up for an on-air morning show co-host gig, which would be phenomenal, but doesn't pay all that well. I've also got the option of taking Mare's job, which is a promotion and a raise, but still news. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy news, but I don't know if that's what I want to do career wise. My boss is putting the pressure on me to make a decision, but I don't know what to decide until I hear about the on-air posting. I've told her I want Mare's job if I DON'T get on-air, but she wants to know yesterday. I'm putting it off. The money would be a definate bonus, and would make things much better for me financially, what with now being faced with an apartment to myself and all. But, oh, I don't know.
I can deal with a few things being up in the air, but this feels like a lot.
And I can't even begin to plan my personal life since that revolves around my work life. I want to go camping with Brad when he comes for my birthday (24! eep!), but where we go depends on how much time off I have, and that depends on what days off I end up with, which depends on what job I end up with. Oh god, it just keeps spinning around and around and around in my head and won't bloody stop. So I'm going to Smithers for my weekend tomorrow morning, and I want to sleep and I'm tired, but I can't bloody well pass out. It's times like these I wish I had a little stash of dope so I could just fall asleep.

Change on the wind

As predicted, things are changing. And I'm not ready. But that's a silly statement, I don't think being ready for change ever happens. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself, and unfortunately, the only thing I can do is wait. I'll find out about a possible job this week (the wait is driving me mad), and then I have to base the rest of my decisions on that. Will I keep the apartment? Will I find a roomate? Will I have to move somewhere else? Will I leave Prince George? And if I do, where will I go? How long will it take?
What NEXT?
i'm not ready.

sky

Looking at the sky tonight made me wish I could paint. The horizon a deep aquamarine blending into the navy and then black of the night.

a change

Being back in smithers is nice. It's relaxing, and just a little boring, which is a nice change for a while from the go go go of life everywhere else. I like not having to do anything in particular for a few days. I had an eye appointment this morning and turns out I do sort of need glasses. The Dr prescribed an "optional" prescription, which basically means I can wear glasses when I need to, for night driving or watching movies, that sort of thing. I decided to go ahead and fill the prescription, so I will be getting glasses. Guess I've done pretty well for myself, gone almost 24 years without needing any, which is something considering my mum's side of the family almost all wear glasses, and even my dad has had to get some in the past couple of years. It's funny, I always wanted them when I was younger cause they seemed like such a neat accessory, and now I actually need them. Hopefully I'll like wearing them and it won't become a frustration.
So far during the visit (which has only been just over 24 hours), I haven't seen anyone I want to avoid yet; no Shawn, no Chris, no other awkwark moments...just peace...though there is always the concern that I will run into someone by accident and it will be uncomfortable, but alas, I think that's just something that needs to be dealt with.

settling things

I spent the day being mad at Brad. It's exhausting being miffed. And I'm tired to boot, and this morning at work was exhausting too. But I answered when he called. Even though I was miffed and wasn't really sure what I was going to say; I'm not very good at expressing my emotions when I'm upset...I was trained a few years ago that saying what you're upset about results in a bad conversations that usually included being told I'm wrong to feel that way, and even though I've unlearned that particular habit, it still doesn't come easily sometimes and I like to know what I'm going to say and be able to explain myself before getting into something. Besides the fact that having my own thoughts sorted out before hand makes things easier and clearer, there is really nothing more frustrating that having to try to dig out what you're upset about mid argument (because it always does become an argument when one person says "what's wrong" and gets the "I don't know" response). But we talked and I told him why I was upset and we worked it out. There were several reasons, including that I start to worry that he's dead in a ditch somewhere when I don't hear from him by midnight, and that while I wasn't worried last night, I have worried in the past and told him so I was upset that he didn't call, he should have known that I should have been worried last night and called to make sure I wouldn't. Ok, so some of the reasons behind the upset are silly, but they are still reasons. The bottom line is he knows I was upset, and he appologized, and said in the future he'd try to make sure he calls. And I guess that's all I can really ask for; that he make the effort. I especially don't want to be one of those girlfriends who nags and keeps tabs, but I think it's a little different when I'm expecting a call and don't get it and am worried and would just like to know that he's ok. I see it as respectful, and to not call is disrespectful. So I hope he understands it's not just that I worry, but that it feels like a slight to me when he doesn't call. The alternative, of course, is that I distance myself to the point where it doesn't matter to me if he calls or not...a thought that does not appeal to me at all. But like I said, we talked, he gets it, I feel better, and he likes that I worry.

a cranky morning.

I'm cranky today. It's just one of those days I think. I'm chilly at work, and tired and I really don't want to be here right now. There's nothing going on, no news today, and I just don't want to work.
Went to a BBQ last night and Mare and I were starved when we got there...three hours later we had dinner. It was fine, but we were tired to begin with and it got chilly.
I went home and Mare and I talked for a while, then she went to bed, and I stayed up later than I should have, organizing my pictures on my computer and waiting for Brad to call. He didn't. I went to bed at midnight and finally sent him four text messages before getting a response from him. Something about going to watch some band play. Apparently he sent me another text at 2:30 when he got home (translates to 3:30 sask time), saying he was safe at home and sorry he didn't call. Maybe I'm just kind of cranky to begin with (ok, so no maybe, I am. period), but I'm a little pissed off. It's the first time we haven't talked for a day since we left school. I want to know what was so important. Even when I'm busy, I take the five minutes to call him and say hello.
Then this morning I came in and one of the newsies at a network station had posted the remaining versions of stories that I ran yesterday. Yesterday, there was only one version of three stories, so I ran those...and now I get the rest of them? It just bugs me.
But I guess I should go get my news ready to go...irritating.

I was sitting, waiting, wishing...

I've been contemplating a lot today. Things are changing again and I'm in the position where all I can really do is wait. You'd think after this long I'd be used to waiting to see what happens, but no matter what it always seems to irk me a little bit...I'm not good with feeling like I don't have control over a situation. So I'm sitting, stewing over what to do...waiting on basically every scale possible..from the day to day stuff to the grandeous "where is my life headed" stuff.

The situation:
-applied for a job...not sure if I'm going to get it...waiting
-like my job now, but I don't think I want to stay with news...so I'll have to apply elsewhere...waiting
-not sure if the living arrangements I'm in right now will continue...waiting
-haven't got a clue where I could go...waiting
-brad and I live in different province's indefinately...waiting
-brad is coming to visit in July...waiting
-my car needs a new waterpump but can't get that done until monday at the latest...waiting
-going to Smithers on Wednesday...waiting.
-bored right now and want it to be tomorrow...waiting

I know, most of that is silly stuff that's not a big deal at all, but it's one of those times where I feel overwhelmed by the big things, so the small things stand out because they will be taken care of sooner and easier. Afterall, if I kill enough time, it will be tomorrow, and then the next day and the next and before I know it, it will be monday and I'll be able to do something about my car, and it will be wednesday and I'll be going to Smithers.
It's the longer waits that drive me nuts. But I guess that's about all I can do right now.
that and try not to think about it.

what can I say?

And I'm back in PG after six hours of travelling (only three of which were actually spent in the air).
It was great to see Mare (roomate of justice!) again, and we recapped our respective weeks over dinner at BP.
I miss Brad though. A lot. I was right, it is harder this time...seems to get harder everytime.

cell phones can tell you if you're old

I feel old all of a sudden. No, not because my 24th birthday is approaching, it's because of a story on Canada AM.
The story was about a cell phone ring tone that adults can't hear. The frequency is too high for adults, but youth can hear it. The idea is as we grow older we lose the ability to hear certain frequencies.
They played a clip of the ring tone...and hope as I might, I couldn't hear it.
The ring tone has two purposes: 1. to be able to play jokes in teachers in school...where the phone is ringing and the whole class can hear it but the teacher doesn't realize anything is happening...not a very funny prank but I guess it's entertaining for the class...and 2. to allow them to txt each other in class where it's not allowed...though I don't know why they don't just turn the cell to silent mode?
But the bottom line is I can't hear it.
It's official, I'm old.

I am cursed

I have come to the conclusion that I am cursed when it comes to cars. Cursed. Completely cursed. Allow me to explain

example 1: last summer driving brad's car around Rosetown - turn a corner and the tire blows up. literally. I thought something in the car had exploded.

example 2: a month ago in Prince George - turning a corner downtown and a loud clunking/grating/shuddering noise starts suddenly. I think I've run over something or am dragging my exhaust. Nope...it's the transmission. $1900 later...

example 3: a week ago in Prince George - I finally get my car back to find it makes a squeeling/chirping noise. Take it to the mechanic and find out the pully for the fan belt is bent. it wasn't before I had the transmission changed...therefore...well, it's gotta be fixed anyway.

example 4: yesterday driving to the station in Rosetown - trying to slow down to stop behind an SUV that has spontaneously stopped in the middle of the road (hey, it's Rosetown...that's acceptable). Suddenly I have the break pedal on the floor and I'm still moving. Swerve to the left and skid to a stop. Sure enough, it's the break line on the front right side.

Thus bringing me to my conclusion...I am cursed. Cars = hate me.

a rant explained.

had an interesting conversation with a friend who had read my wedding/marriage blog entry. She asked me why marriage was so important to me. It made me really think and contemplate the reasons;
Beyond the fantasies spawned by white-barbie-weddings that seemed to dominate my childhood, and playing house constantly, I think a lot of the desire comes from wanting someone to say to me they want to spend the rest of their life with me and to declare it legally infront of everyone that means something to us. the sense of stability is a factor too...knowing, no matter what, that person will be with me and will support me, and vice versa. As long as the "dating" stage continues there is always the possibility the other person could bail. So, admittedly there is an element of insecurity.
it's very tricky these days when marriage is taken so lightly and so easily dismissed. I by no means want to rush into anything because clearly that will just end in disaster...but I think if both people enter into marriage as a commitment for life, and take it seriously then there is every hope of survival.
I guess the bottom line is I want to get married because I want to commit to sharing my life with one person and only one person and I want to have that feeling as well.
Obsessive? maybe...but again, seeing as we're still in the midst of the months between may and october...all you engaged people can just bugger off with your diamond sparklies. (yeah, I know, for someone who doesn't want to hear about it, I sure do focus on it a lot! hahaha, ah well, guess I'm a hypocrit of the highest order!)
Cheers!

trip down memory lane

I stopped by the station in Rosetown today to say hello to the crew. Rox gave me a big hug and begged me to stay, Norma gave me a big hug too and we chatted for a while. I met the newest Irritating New Guy, and had some awkward small talk with the original Irritating New Guy. He asked me how Big Dog was doing as PD and I said he was doing really well, which is true. I didn't mention that Brad doesn't remember him at all, even though I really wanted to. I really don't know if Darrin ever actually knew Brad or if he's just making things up like he has before. Didn't want to get into it to be honest.
Rox and I are going to go to K-rock tomorrow to see Barkley, have some McD's and do a little shopping perhaps. It's going to be a good time. I was going to go today, but when I started driving Brad's car the breaks weren't all that good and I don't think I really trust my driving abilities to be able to handle a car with slow breaks. So Rox will drive tomorrow and we'll meet Barkley and Jamie for lunch. I'm looking forward to it. Rox and I always have a laugh together.
I asked her to let me do a newscast this morning, she laughed and said that Tia would flip out, which is probably true.
So I guess today I'll do a little laundry, make dinner, maybe vaccuum and get my stuff a little more organized so I won't have to worry about it on wednesday and Brad and I can just enjoy our night together.
It's going to be very difficult to leave again. Not looking forward to that at all. I know it will only be about a month until I see him again, but it's still going to be awful to have to leave. I hate goodbye/see-you-soons. Especially when the person I'm saying goodbye to is so important to me. But we're making it so far...and I know we'll keep on doing what we;re doing and survive it. I just miss him so much when I'm gone.

Ramblings from the land where the deer and the antelope play

I've been in Saskatchewan for five days and some. We've talked about everything and Brad has been so supportive. I know where he stands and I know he's behind me. It's a wonderful feeling to know someone has your back. To feel like he'll be there to catch me if things to go pot. There are only two more days left...then it's back to Prince George. A place that seems so foreign right now. I know I'll fall back into routine when I get there, but it seems so distant right now. Life here is slower; longer days spent trying to find something to do. It's familiar. It seems like I never left, like I haven't been living back in BC for four months. Only four months. Seems like years sometimes. I guess in a way it has been years; so close to home, to everything I grew up with. But it's a weird sense of home for me.
I feel transient again, stuck in a limbo of sorts waiting for something to pan out one way or another. I've never really had to work for an opportunity before. When I graduated I got a job, which led to another and another. I spent time at Interior until I was sick of it, and another job fell into my lap. Then I decided to apply to BCIT on a whim really, and made it without a lot of trouble. I graduated and was offered a job, which I turned down and moved. Getting my job at 1330 was the first time I've ever had to really try for something, which seems stupid really. Then the job in PG fell into my lap once again.
But now what? I've applied for the on-air job at the X, but if that doesn't happen, what then? Do I actively try to find on-air somewhere else? Do I stick with news? Do I move into something else? Where do I go? It's like I'm faced with a hundred doors and windows and can't figure out which one will be best to go through...and if I take one, then the other 99 will close and I'll have to go with my choice, no matter what.
On a side note, wedding season progresses with avid and unshakable determination. It's spread to all movies I watch. Last night we rented "date movie" as stupid-don't-have-to-think entertainment. Sure enough, though stupid and anti-thought-provoking, the theme was centred around a wedding. Then, tonight, Nanny McPhee (which was wonderful, by the way), and it ends with a terribly romantic wedding. It's unescapable, unavoidable. The moral of the story? Don't talk to me about weddings/engagements/marriages between May and October. After October I may give you a non-exasperated comment...before that, you can fully expect a very fake "ohhhh, isn't that lovely".

Gushy Gushy, here we go!

I'm off to Saskatchewan tomorrow to see my sweetheart! The countdown is on...17 more hours until I get into Saskatoon and give Brad a big hug! I can't wait to see him, it's been a month and a half and it's been hard, but good. Things are going really well. So, countdown official...can't wait! Love!

Oh George...

George W Bush is in the oval office with his staff when Rumsfeld steps in. "I'm afraid it's bad news sir" he says to the president. " Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today" Rumsfeld states.
George's face goes white. "Oh no " he says. " Oh God no". In total shock and disbelief he falls back into his chair. " No No No" says George with his voice torn with grief. He puts his face in into his hands and mumbles " No God no". The other members of the staff are moved by his outpouring of emotion.
George looks back up to Rumsfeld with a confused look on his face and says "Exactly how many is a Brazilian?"

ahh, the weekend

I got drunk. Super, super drunk. Friday night was fun. Went to the Generator and saw Rocketface. I had a really good night though...and no regrets, even though I became very acquainted with the work toilet on Saturday morning. (reminder to self: hang-overs at work at a bad idea...don't know how the jocks do it so often).
I had a good conversation about tattoos with the basist from the band. He read the Jack Johnson lyrics I have on my shoulder, and gave me the usual "that's deep". Then I explained it's not my work, and proceeded to tell him how awkward I find it when people ask me what my tattoos mean. He agreed that no matter how you explain something, or how meaningful a tattoo is to a person, when someone else tries to understand it, it just seems cheesy.
It was a good time. That was around beer #2. If it had happened around beer #3-5 I would have been incoherent. As it was, dancing was plenty for me. But, like I said, good night, free music=good times. And the band was awesome. There is little that bugs me more than seeing someone live who you think will be good because you like their CD, only to find out they actually suck when on stage.
In closing, you know it was a good night when people see you the next day who weren't even there and say "you had a good one, huh?" Or when they just laugh at how rough you look. (note: by 'you' I mean 'I' or 'me')

car and plans

I finally got my car today. $1900. Yes, that's right, just shy of a full month's salary without the income tax taken off. Whoo. That stung the pocketbook...but oh well. I guess it was necessary (though it kills me just a teeny bit inside to say "oh well") But I now have a car...and a strict budget which I'm so far adhering to. Though it is only the second of June. Oy. Oh well...like I said, what's done is done and had to be so. I'm going to see Brad in 5 more sleeps and I told him already it's going to have to be a thrifty visit because, well, I can't afford anything more. He countered with "what makes you think you'll be paying for anything?" Which is nice to hear, and it was wonderful of him to offer to help out. I do love him.
I'm going to the genny tonight to see Rocketface, who made lewd comments about be when they came into the station today to go on-air with Doc...I wasn't in the room at the time, but Doc skipped into the newsroom afterwards to tell me in a sing-song teasing voice...guess my long-dreamed of career as a groupie is not such a pipedream afterall! hahaha...ewwwww. Still, it will be nice to get out and do something tonight...and it's free...and who am I to turn down a free show? Hopefully it'll be fun. Did I mention it's free?

My roomate is the best

pretty sure I didn't get across how awsome Mare has been to me this past two weeks. I mean, seriously, I've completely inconvenienced her by borrowing her car all the time, and she's never let me know how that I'm being a big pain in the ass. She's been just wonderful, and I am so greatful. Couldn't ask for a better romate (and not just because she let's me use her car...there's the frequent emotional crisis she helps me keep at bay...and the fact that she makes me laugh until I'm crying for no apparent reason, and that's just the tip of the iceburg!)

car troubles.

Through some spiteful twist of fate, my days off are never that nice. The weather is usually grey and threatens rain...except yesterday. Yesterday was sunny and hot...and I don't have a car to enjoy it. Mare has been wonderful about letting me use her car, which I really appreciate, but I do feel bad. I feel like it's been such a huge inconvenience, and one of those things where it doesn't take long to "wear out the welcome" so to speak. I can't speak for her, but I know I'm getting restless without my wheels, and I can only assume she's getting a little tired of having to work around my schedule (though I know she'd never complain because she knows it's not on purpose). So, these past few days I'm trying to use it as little as possible, only when necessary for work. But it does leave me somewhat less flexible (obviously). Anyway, she came home sick yesterday afternoon, and while I know I could have taken the car and done some errands, I developed a headache. Figures. And it was a stretch to have the energy to go to Wal-mart with her and get some errands out of the way. Ugh. I just need my car back...but I really don't want to spend 2 grand on it. Ugh.